Wondering

Today it's two years since my husband went home to Jesus. My daughter and I miss him every day. I woke up during the night, thinking of him. I dreamed about him. And I wondered... 

Dear Phil,

How can it be two years already since you left to go to heaven, and have God receive you there? I watched The Christmas Shoes the other night and I also read the book recently and that's what the mom who is dying tells her little boy when he asks why God is taking her to heaven. She tells him it's not so much that He's taking her, but receiving her into heaven. I like that thought. God received you. He said it was time for you to come home and He lovingly received you in to His arms. 

What's it like? I can only imagine. I have wondered  what you're doing. It's like when Rebekah used to go away to camps and I would wonder what she was doing, or the times you went on retreats, or the one time you went on a 'business' trip because you were being trained to be manager of the store you were working at... 

Are you singing with the angels and all of those who have gone on before? Are you worshiping God continually? Do you go on long walks with Jesus and have amazing conversations? Do you talk with your mom, dad, and sister, and remember times on earth? Have you talked with people of the Bible whose names I know and stories I've read? What are you seeing? Are you still in awe that you can see so clearly again? I bet it's a thousand times more beautiful than anything you ever saw on earth. There's so much beauty here, I can only imagine how much more beauty there is in heaven. I'm thankful God gives us beauty here, a glimpse of what's to come. 

If I could sit down and have a talk with you what would we talk about? Would I tell you what it's been like these last two years or would I just want to be held in your arms again, looking into your eyes? Looks between us the only words we need. I wouldn't wish you back, even if I could. You're with Jesus and the pain of already 'losing' you has been so great, I wouldn't want to go through that again. 

Your last day on earth, I sat by your side as you lay in the hospital bed, holding your hand. If I let go even for a second, it was like a magnet drew me to take hold of your hand again. We loved holding hands, so it was only natural for me to do so. Wherever we were walking, putting my hand in yours was a love gift between us. Every once in a while one of us giving three squeezes, to say I love you, and the other giving three squeezes back. 

When you slipped quietly, peacefully, in your sleep from this life to your new life in heaven with Jesus, I knew you were gone, and even though I knew it was coming, it hurt. It's the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. As I remember now, I have tears coming to my eyes.

Our marriage was a gift from God, you were a gift from God. When I look back over the years and see how God brought us through so much, I am grateful. The early years were tough, and we had our share of spats over the years, but God taught us to communicate and to share our feelings. All the years of health problems for you were hard, but in those times God was with us, ever growing our faith, and it is why I've been able to make it through these last two years. God has been with me, strengthening me, encouraging my heart, and giving me the will to go on. And I know, without a doubt, that He will keep on helping me. He uses words you wrote on Facebook (they come up in my FB memories) while you were sick with  brain cancer, and losing your vision, to encourage my heart. 

Until we meet again,
Jewel

It Is Well With My Soul

Life really is full of heartache isn't it? I'm experiencing it in remembering what was happening two years ago when my husband was declining and as different friends face the death of a child and a parent. Life. Is. Hard. Heartache meets us at a turn in the road and we are left with battered hearts, and we struggle to hang on to the hope that we know we have in Christ. It's a thin silver thread blowing in the breeze, but once we grasp it, hope, however small becomes ours and we find that, because of Who Christ is, it will grow and blossom even in the most aching of hearts. It's not always instant and may take time but it will grow as we keep our eyes on Christ in the midst of our sorrow. 

I know sorrow. Well. It's debilitating. After the death of a loved one, making the arrangements for burial and a service, it can kind of take a back seat because of all the planning going on. Then, everyone leaves and we have to face reality. Our loved ones aren't coming back... They're gone. Sorrow meets us in the hallway, it comes to wash over us in the deep darkness of night, stealing our sleep, bringing tears and more tears... and when we think we can't cry any more, there are more tears, becoming a puddle at our feet. 

Then, because of the hope we have in Christ, for those of us who have accepted His gift of salvation, as have our loved ones, we know we haven't lost them, as Randy Alcorn says in his book, Heaven, we have just lost touch with them. One day we will see them again. The day Jesus calls for us either in death, or when He comes in the clouds to take us to heaven with Him, we'll see HIM and all those who have gone before. Victory!

Scripture says that weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. God always shows up. He's always with us. He's always good. He's not just good when things are going how we want them to or think they should, He's good all the time. Why do we only say "God's so good." when things go 'right'? I think it's because we find it hard to see 'bad things' as 'good things'... 

I know God's goodness in the midst of difficult times, times when my heart is broken, and sorrow overwhelms me. Always, God has been there to help me, to dry my tears, drawing me close. So now, as friends go through the death of loved ones, my heart empathizes with them, and I pray that as they face these losses, they too, will know the nearness of God and His all encompassing love for them in their sorrow. 

I have talked with a friend recently about how she has felt God isn't safe, and that makes it hard to trust Him. She's wondered how the Bible can say He can be trusted when physically we aren't always safe, but then she realized, we ARE safe, because while we may go through very difficult times physically, our souls are always safe in Him. He is there. To carry us, to give us comfort in the midst of sorrow and pain. As I was thinking of our not being physically safe, the thought came to me, from the Holy Spirit, I believe, that Jesus, when He was on earth, wasn't physically safe when He was horribly beaten, and His body was nailed to the cross. But then, He rose victorious over the grave and because He did, we too can rise above the circumstances of life that want to hold us down, and we can say, It is well with my soul. 


(Lyrics for the song can be found here, with verses I've never seen before)

Empathy

I have always had a heart for people and to some degree have felt their sadness, but the last two weeks I have experienced empathy. I have cried for two ladies who have 'lost' their husbands. One is a gal I have known for many years. We were best friends in Jr High. We had lost touch for about four decades! Thanks to Facebook and ultimately, God, we reconnected a couple of years ago. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other... but that doesn't change how our friendship was instantly rekindled and the love we felt toward one another was reignited. One day last week she posted that her husband had passed away the night before. My heart instantly ached for her. Tears slid down my cheeks in silent empathy. I know the pain  of having your husband, your best friend ever, leaving his earthly body to go home to Jesus. As I've read, and heard, this last year, I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. And a song says, "I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. He was never really mine, he was always His." You can listen to that song here. I may have posted it before, but that' ok. :) 

Yesterday afternoon I learned that a man from my church passed away. I started crying... because I knew this man but I also cried (more so) for his wife... she and he had come to visit me not long after my husband passed away and throughout this last year she has sent me cards to encourage me and show her support. She has also given me hugs and talked with me at church, asking how I'm doing. Now she is facing grief as well. Because I know them both it hit a little bit closer to home, and the pain of Phil's passing came rushing back... I relived those moments before he passed away. Sitting next to his bed in the hospital room, holding his hand the last couple of hours until he slipped into the arms of Jesus. Tears flowed then, and have flowed often this last year... 

I, of course, don't know fully what these two precious ladies are feeling, but I do, to some degree, because the pain of 'losing' a husband is different than any other kind of death, although death is always hard. As I have heard of other people who have had loved ones pass away my heart goes out to them as well. Death is painful. For those who know Jesus though, we don't grieve without hope. Yes, we grieve, sometimes we grieve hard. I did... there were times I just wanted it to be over... the pain was so intense and I hurt like I've never hurt before, but God is faithful... and even though I was grieving, it was not without hope. I'm still grieving, but it's not as intense... God has proven Himself faithful. The Comforter has been with me through this dark night of the soul and I know He will be with these two precious women as well. 

If God allows, I hope and pray that I will be able to comfort them with the same comfort He has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-7)