Pain can drip down my cheeks - or flow - at the simplest of things, such as shaking a bottle of eye drops and administering them to my eyes. Every set of eye drops I put in for Phil brought a thank you from his lips. He had the most grateful heart.
I am reminded too, of his gentleness, especially when we were having a disagreement. He would remain gentle in his tone of voice.
The memory comes of standing underneath the hallway light so he could see me. His hand goes to my face... "You're so beautiful." 😢
He loved me so completely, so well. Through all my quirks and obstinate ways he loved me. I miss him so much. He kept his vow so well and so faithfully... My dear, sweet husband...
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Don't Usually Post Twice in One Day...
... But...
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Memories
I asked God for happy memories this morning as grief came crashing down on me - one of those grief aftershocks I read about. I had gone back to bed, not ready to face the day yet, tears flowing, sobs racking my body, as I cried out to God... A memory came. I smiled. I wanted to turn to Phil and say "remember when...?" But he's not here. He can no longer share memories with me. God was there for each moment of our marriage, so I need to learn to share the memories with Him... This grief life is a journey, a process of learning...
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)
When I woke up about an hour later, I saw a vision of a path with rocks here and there. I couldn't see what was ahead, but I've always loved path pictures because I wonder what's ahead and I think of the path I'm on with God and know He's gone before. In my vision puddles appeared on the path and then it became a river. And I thought of the above verse - when I go through the rivers they will not overwhelm me, because... God. Is. There. The first part of the next verse (3) says: For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Put that all together... When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Beauty from Ashes
http://www.fire.ca.gov/current_incidents/incidentdetails/Index/1672
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
I don't understand.
I didn't call you to understand. I called you to trust.
Totally
Resting
Under
Salvation's
Triumph
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
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