Phil has, of course, been on my mind a lot, but especially lately, because of Christmas approaching and the day when he went to the hospital and never came home. My heart gets sad, and I cry, and yet, it's not the crushing grief it was the first year. This morning's thoughts about him lead me to thinking about doing things differently if I had the chance, because of a post of his that came up in my Facebook memories, that lead me to what I've been missing about him lately... the talks we had, the encouragement we shared with each other; talks that I had with him that I had with no one else. I miss that interaction, a lot. Talks we didn't really have the last year or two of his life.
My question to myself was, as I indicated above, would I go back and do things differently if I could? At first the answer was yes, but then came the question, in a bit different way, WOULD I do things differently? We ask ourselves that question at different times through our lives, don't we? I know I do, but especially these last couple of years since Phil's been gone. The answer, as I really thought about it was, no, I probably wouldn't do things differently because who I was then, is different then who I am now, and it's the looking at things in retrospect that make me THINK I would do things differently.
Those thoughts lead to me thinking of this scripture:
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV).
Jesus wants me to look forward with hope and anticipation, not look back with self recrimination and pity... I think I need to memorize this scripture.
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Seeking for Hidden Treasure
Whenever I do the dishes I take off my opal ring because I don't want it to get damaged while I'm doing the dishes. It's a ring my husband gave me for our 10th wedding anniversary. I had had it about 3 years when I lost the opal. I don't know what happened, but one day it was just gone. I never sought to have it repaired, but did keep the setting. It also has a small diamond. Last year, I took it to a local jeweler to have a new opal put in. So, even though Phil never saw it repaired, it's still really special to me.
This morning, I went to put my ring back on, because I didn't put it back on last night. It wasn't on the kitchen counter where I left it. I searched for it, even in places I knew it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if maybe I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, so, I searched through the trash too. Yuck. The bottom of it was pretty gross so I had to use a spoon. No ring. I looked in my recycling. No ring. I was crying. The ring is special to me. It hurt my heart that it was gone. I thought I was silly for feeling that way... it's just a material possession...
I took the trash and recycling out to the dumpster and recycle bin and was I was walking back to my apartment I was crying and I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this. Immediately I knew that I would see my ring on the floor when I walked in the door. I had a little sense of doubt, but I also believed that I would see it, I had that sense that the Holy Spirit had just spoken to me.
There was the ring lying on the floor. Wow. Happy tears. I had looked on the floor under the cupboards, but not all over the floor... It was lying very near where I had pulled the trash can out to look through the garbage. I could have stepped on it.
Apparently God didn't think it was silly that it was hurting my heart that the ring was missing. He spoke to my heart, that He cares about what concerns me. He could have said it was an insignificant thing, but He didn't. He isn't some far off uncaring being in the sky. He is near. He is here. He cares. He sees. He loves.
I was reminded of the parable in the Bible about the woman who swept her house clean looking for the silver coin she had lost. Luke 15:8-10 Or imagine a woman who has 10 silver coins. She loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the whole house, and search diligently until that coin is found? And when she finds it, doesn’t she invite her friends and neighbors and say, “Celebrate with me! I’ve found that silver coin that I lost”? Can’t you understand? There is joy in the presence of all God’s messengers over even one sinner who changes his way of life.
I also thought of my ring as being like a hidden treasure and God wanting me to search His Word for the hidden treasure He has for me within its pages. Nuggets of joy, hope, wisdom, peace, gentle rebuke.
The deepest treasure right now, for me, is to find joy. I have been filled with sorrow again lately as Christmas approaches. Missing my husband more than words can say, and yet the grief is gentler than it was a year and a half ago. Tears come, sadness lingers, and yet, because of who God is, I can have joy. Joy in knowing that whatever I face, He is with me in the midst of the pain, in the dark of the night, in the wondering what my future holds.
Those thoughts came from a devotional I read this morning (and just scanned again now) by the late Barbara Johnson, after finding my ring. She had much pain in her life and one day she said she had to pray the prayer of relinquishment which was, "Whatever, Lord. Whatever happens, I know you'll see me through it." She said when she prayed that prayer it seemed to release a million little sparkles inside her. The heaviness in her heart was miraculously gone and in its place was a bubble of joy that welled up in her, inspiring her to seek out the cheer hiding in each day, even in the dark, gloomy crevices that appeared when her life threatened to fall apart again. (Women of Faith Devotional Bible)
Hidden treasure. I have a choice. There is always a spot of joy somewhere in each day, if I choose to find it. Because of who God is, my heart need never fall apart. It does, because I make choices to let it fall apart. I'm not saying that I can't have emotions that are sad, but I am saying that even in the midst of those, there can always be joy. Because of Emmanuel, God with us. Joy in the midst of pain. Joy in the dark night of my soul. Joy in knowing Jesus.
This morning, I went to put my ring back on, because I didn't put it back on last night. It wasn't on the kitchen counter where I left it. I searched for it, even in places I knew it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if maybe I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, so, I searched through the trash too. Yuck. The bottom of it was pretty gross so I had to use a spoon. No ring. I looked in my recycling. No ring. I was crying. The ring is special to me. It hurt my heart that it was gone. I thought I was silly for feeling that way... it's just a material possession...
I took the trash and recycling out to the dumpster and recycle bin and was I was walking back to my apartment I was crying and I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this. Immediately I knew that I would see my ring on the floor when I walked in the door. I had a little sense of doubt, but I also believed that I would see it, I had that sense that the Holy Spirit had just spoken to me.
There was the ring lying on the floor. Wow. Happy tears. I had looked on the floor under the cupboards, but not all over the floor... It was lying very near where I had pulled the trash can out to look through the garbage. I could have stepped on it.
Apparently God didn't think it was silly that it was hurting my heart that the ring was missing. He spoke to my heart, that He cares about what concerns me. He could have said it was an insignificant thing, but He didn't. He isn't some far off uncaring being in the sky. He is near. He is here. He cares. He sees. He loves.
I was reminded of the parable in the Bible about the woman who swept her house clean looking for the silver coin she had lost. Luke 15:8-10 Or imagine a woman who has 10 silver coins. She loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the whole house, and search diligently until that coin is found? And when she finds it, doesn’t she invite her friends and neighbors and say, “Celebrate with me! I’ve found that silver coin that I lost”? Can’t you understand? There is joy in the presence of all God’s messengers over even one sinner who changes his way of life.
I also thought of my ring as being like a hidden treasure and God wanting me to search His Word for the hidden treasure He has for me within its pages. Nuggets of joy, hope, wisdom, peace, gentle rebuke.
The deepest treasure right now, for me, is to find joy. I have been filled with sorrow again lately as Christmas approaches. Missing my husband more than words can say, and yet the grief is gentler than it was a year and a half ago. Tears come, sadness lingers, and yet, because of who God is, I can have joy. Joy in knowing that whatever I face, He is with me in the midst of the pain, in the dark of the night, in the wondering what my future holds.
Those thoughts came from a devotional I read this morning (and just scanned again now) by the late Barbara Johnson, after finding my ring. She had much pain in her life and one day she said she had to pray the prayer of relinquishment which was, "Whatever, Lord. Whatever happens, I know you'll see me through it." She said when she prayed that prayer it seemed to release a million little sparkles inside her. The heaviness in her heart was miraculously gone and in its place was a bubble of joy that welled up in her, inspiring her to seek out the cheer hiding in each day, even in the dark, gloomy crevices that appeared when her life threatened to fall apart again. (Women of Faith Devotional Bible)
Hidden treasure. I have a choice. There is always a spot of joy somewhere in each day, if I choose to find it. Because of who God is, my heart need never fall apart. It does, because I make choices to let it fall apart. I'm not saying that I can't have emotions that are sad, but I am saying that even in the midst of those, there can always be joy. Because of Emmanuel, God with us. Joy in the midst of pain. Joy in the dark night of my soul. Joy in knowing Jesus.
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