Heart Hurts and Pinpricks of Light

Yesterday was May 23, not that significant of a date, really, but it is to me. Every 23rd day of the month Phil and I would say Happy Anniversary to each other because we got married on the 23rd of June, 1984, so each month when that day rolled around, it was a celebration even if we only said Happy Anniversary,  it  was packed with love and meaning for us. The first year we had a slice of our wedding cake each month which we kept in the freezer. I don't remember if we made it the whole year as it may have gotten stale.

Yesterday was hard because it began the countdown of one month until our anniversary and it brought to mind the preparations we were making for our wedding day and our life together... Ordering flowers, the cake, final tux ordering and bridesmaids dresses being made... Getting our wedding rings (I wore Phil's on a chain around my neck until the big day). Phil moved into our apartment and we began making it our home.

So there were lots of tears yesterday and I know there will be many more. In fact, I've cried already this morning because I thought I heard him call me and it woke me up, "Sweetie... Sweetie... The tears, they flowed, knowing he wasn't calling me because he's not here...

One of Phil's favorite passages in the Bible was where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are ordered to bow down to the king or be thrown in the fiery furnace. And they said that they KNEW their God was able to deliver them but even if He didn't they would not bow. So, they were thrown in. And who was with them in that fierce, blazing heat? Jesus. So, Phil liked that story because he KNEW God was with him in every fiery trial and he would not bow to defeat. Therein lies my pinprick of light. Yes, tears are shed and my heart HURTS. Sometimes it feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces or that I'm drowning in sorrow... But GOD. He is with me in this fiery trial and even when my faith is weak, He is faithful. He. Is. Faithful.

Struggling with Acceptance

It will soon be five months since my husband passed away. My greatest struggle at this point is accepting that he is gone and will not be coming back. My heart aches so much of the time and there is always an underlying sadness. Phil isn't at the hospital soon to be home as I tried to tell myself a few months ago, but I do know where he is and for this I am eternally grateful. He is Home, Home with His Savior, who shed His blood for us so that we can be forever free from the weight of sin and have the Holy Spirit to comfort us in the midst of our darkest and deepest pain. Jesus promised to NEVER leave us or forsake us, and this promise is kept when we put our trust in Him by giving Him our lives as we then receive the Holy Spirit.

While I know the comfort of God, the struggle of accepting my new reality is very difficult and I have cried many tears. I had no idea I had so many... I miss Phil so very much...

I miss holding his hand which was as natural as breathing. Before he lost his sight and had to use a walker because of extreme weakness, taking his hand wherever we went was part of who we were.

I miss his smile, so full of fun and life.

I miss our private jokes.

The sound of his voice... Him telling me I'm beautiful, even as his vision got worse and worse and we found a spot in the house where the light was just right and he could see me...and he would gasp and say, "you're so beautiful."

I miss talking with him, the tender gentleness of his voice, calming me when I was frustrated, praying for me when I was scared.... He would often ask me throughout the day how he could pray for me or tell me that he was... And he would thank me for every little thing I did for him... He had the most grateful heart...

How do I accept that he is gone and not coming back? I don't know but I do know God is with me and will help me come to that acceptance... eventually...

Seems Harder Lately

I have wondered why grief seems so much harder lately. I realized in part,  it's because 33 years ago Phil and I were planning our June 23 wedding. I have been dreading our anniversary.

Also, March is when the birthdays start in our little family, with our daughter's at the beginning of March, mine toward the end of April and my husband's nine days after mine, in May (I was literally nine days older than him). Then, in June is our anniversary, so I've had all these 'firsts' with the biggest one looming before me...

Our last two anniversaries were already hard, because of Phil being sick, and especially last year because he was receiving treatment for primary CNS lymphoma (brain cancer). In September of 2015 was our last get away... It had been a couple years or more since we'd had one and we always tried to get away once a year. This one was a combination anniversary celebration and end of radiation treatment....

So, last night as tears flowed, I was remembering what we were doing 33 years ago.. . ordering flowers, the cake, premarital counseling, final fittings on my wedding dress, getting the tuxes and bridesmaids dresses figured out... All that goes into planning a wedding. Plus getting our first apartment... Phil moved into it a month before we got married.

And grief, it sat heavy on my shoulders, weighing me down... And it still does today...

I KNOW that I don't grieve without hope but at times this lonnnng journey, this dark night of the soul seems it will go on forever. I know it's only been four and a half months and I have a long road ahead of me... And I know God is with me and without His glimmers of light in this darkness my grief would be that much harder. I can't imagine this without Him and I know He is near when my face is wet with tears and/or anger gets the best of me...

Psalm 6:6-7a (NLT)
"I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief."

I haven't actually cried all night but there are times when I do just cry and cry... I'm reading a book by another widow on her grief journey and she had these two verses at the end of a section:

I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. PSALM 102:7

Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. JOHN 16:32

Knowing I'm not alone, that God is with me, helps, but there are times when the grief overwhelms me and I miss my husband so much and loneliness for him consumes me, especially now as I remember... And know what's coming up...

I am thankful that our daughter is coming at that time and for the plans we have...

Any prayers are appreciated. Thank you...

Grief Has No Manners

Grief Has No Manners

by Pamela Kliewer

May 16, 2017

Do I still have it in me? The ability to write? Everything has changed since the day my husband left his earthly body to go to his heavenly home. Tears are often my companion, as grief overwhelms me yet again, and there seems to be nothing that can be done to staunch their flow. Grief has no manners. It sneaks up from out of nowhere, its grip fierce and quick.

But really, it's all I can expect. The love of my life, my husband, my best friend, is gone forever from this life and to not grieve, to not cry rivers of tears would be to deny the love we shared for so many years. I find myself teary-eyed as I walk through Walmart, feeling aimless. Or tears will well up when I do something or the first time since he passed away... walking the boardwalk in Cambria by myself the other day tears pooled in my eyes, as I felt so alone, not having Phil beside me, but at the same time God was there and I felt peace and joy too. Having grief with peace and joy right beside it, is actually kind of strange, and yet, could I expect any less with God being by my side?

Sometimes I wonder how in the world I'm going to go on, and often times I don't want to go on. I just want to stay in bed all day and let the tears and the grief have their way. But I can't do that... there's something within me that causes that to go against my nature... while I do take a nap (sometimes 2) almost every day, I just can't stay in bed all day.

And the aimlessness I feel, that's just so foreign to me, but my job of caregiver, as well as my husband were ripped from me at the same time, yes, ripped, that's what it feels like, like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped away and I was left with a huge hole in my heart, in my life, with no knowledge whatsoever of what to do now.

I learned something the other day when I went to my first GriefShare meeting, and that is that sometimes people hide behind spirituality. I felt my eyes grow wide and my head nodding in agreement. It's true... people ask how are you... oh fine, God is carrying me... I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable with my grief... sometimes I tell them that it's hard but I'm making it... and truthfully, I am making it, but there are times, many times, I just want this grief to be over already.... to be through with the pain and the deep ache. To not have to shed any more tears, to not have anger overtake me to the point of being in a rage... it scares me. To be done with anxiety, and the inability, at times, to function or even make a simple decision....

On the other side of all these emotions that are so foreign to me, there is God... and while I don't always feel His presence I know He is here... because yes, He has promised to never leave me for forsake me and that He is a very present help in trouble... I cry out to Him and He's there, holding me, calming me... comforting me as only He can... I can expect it...