How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!
Monday, December 18, 2017
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas! May you know the amazing faithfulness of God's love and care for you. Do you know what a wonderful God He is? He brings beauty out of ashes and joy out of sorrow! He *is* Emmanuel, God with us! Think. Of. That. "....and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Is Christ Enough?
Is Christ enough?
I'm reading a pamphlet by Joni Eareckson Tada called A Thankful Heart in a World of Hurt, and as I was reading it, this song came to mind. This pamphlet is challenging my heart and my thinking in a huge way. One passage of scripture that she quotes really jumped out at me. 2 Corinthians 6:10 (it's the middle of a sentence) "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything" Wow. I want to be able to say that Christ is enough for me. I want to be able to offer a sacrifice of thanks when my world seems to be crashing down around me. Psalm 50:23 is another passage she mentions... "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."
I'm reading a pamphlet by Joni Eareckson Tada called A Thankful Heart in a World of Hurt, and as I was reading it, this song came to mind. This pamphlet is challenging my heart and my thinking in a huge way. One passage of scripture that she quotes really jumped out at me. 2 Corinthians 6:10 (it's the middle of a sentence) "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything" Wow. I want to be able to say that Christ is enough for me. I want to be able to offer a sacrifice of thanks when my world seems to be crashing down around me. Psalm 50:23 is another passage she mentions... "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Time Has Flown
My life changed forever almost a year ago. As the date of my husband's passing from this life into the arms of Jesus and as Christmas fast approaches I find myself wondering how this year could have flown by so fast. The years do fly quickly by and have for a long time and quite frankly, I wanted this year to be over with and now that it almost is I'm left scratching my head so to speak....
Looking back I'm amazed at what God has done. How near He has been to me, His brokenhearted child, bringing comfort as only He can. I have felt and acted in ways foreign to me, and yet when under pressure a teapot boils... So as I was under the pressure of grief, I often boiled over... It was just too much for me at times. What I learned via biblical counseling was that in my reaction to my feelings I was Mt. Vevusias and I wasn't trusting God. I wanted to be in control. God wants me trust Him. To trust His sovereignty, His absolute control over all things, including bringing trials and adversity into my life, for my good and His glory. The good, which also brings Him glory, is my becoming more like Christ.
My husband is with Jesus! He is face to face with the Savior of the Universe! The Savior who came into the world as a baby, the most fragile of human forms, growing to be a man so you and I could have forgiveness of our sins and one day be in eternity with Him forever.
John 3:16-18
“For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."
My prayer for you is that you might know Jesus who loves you so much. And Who really is close to the brokenhearted as is promised in His Word.
Looking back I'm amazed at what God has done. How near He has been to me, His brokenhearted child, bringing comfort as only He can. I have felt and acted in ways foreign to me, and yet when under pressure a teapot boils... So as I was under the pressure of grief, I often boiled over... It was just too much for me at times. What I learned via biblical counseling was that in my reaction to my feelings I was Mt. Vevusias and I wasn't trusting God. I wanted to be in control. God wants me trust Him. To trust His sovereignty, His absolute control over all things, including bringing trials and adversity into my life, for my good and His glory. The good, which also brings Him glory, is my becoming more like Christ.
My husband is with Jesus! He is face to face with the Savior of the Universe! The Savior who came into the world as a baby, the most fragile of human forms, growing to be a man so you and I could have forgiveness of our sins and one day be in eternity with Him forever.
John 3:16-18
“For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."
My prayer for you is that you might know Jesus who loves you so much. And Who really is close to the brokenhearted as is promised in His Word.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Life Goes On
As I turned the calendar to November several days ago, tears filled my eyes and I felt an ache in my chest... I have always loved the holidays and I am, in some ways, still looking forward to them, especially since my parents and I are going to travel to be with my daughter and her boyfriend for Christmas this year. It's all bittersweet.
I'm still here... Still living, learning to be a widow and live alone. And in learning to live alone, I'm learning that I'm not alone. God is very near. Psalm 34:18 says
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
I actually started writing this on the first, but then saved it as a draft and I'm just now getting back to it... November 7th already.
Alone but not alone, it's true, however I do get very lonely, mostly for Phil, I think. I miss having him here to talk with, to be with even if we weren't talking, we just enjoyed each other's company.
I wouldn't have chosen this journey, not in a million years, but I trust that, God in His sovereignty, chose it for me. In Psalm 139 it says God had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be. And this has a purpose - my good and His glory. Period. The good is being conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). And that brings God glory.
I am learning so much on this journey. God led me to the biblical counselor who is just right for me. He is using her to guide me through biblical truths; opening scripture up to me in ways I've never seen before.
One thing in particular is the passage in Philippians that is so often quoted. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here it is in context...
I'm still here... Still living, learning to be a widow and live alone. And in learning to live alone, I'm learning that I'm not alone. God is very near. Psalm 34:18 says
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
and I know this well...
I actually started writing this on the first, but then saved it as a draft and I'm just now getting back to it... November 7th already.
Alone but not alone, it's true, however I do get very lonely, mostly for Phil, I think. I miss having him here to talk with, to be with even if we weren't talking, we just enjoyed each other's company.
I wouldn't have chosen this journey, not in a million years, but I trust that, God in His sovereignty, chose it for me. In Psalm 139 it says God had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be. And this has a purpose - my good and His glory. Period. The good is being conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). And that brings God glory.
I am learning so much on this journey. God led me to the biblical counselor who is just right for me. He is using her to guide me through biblical truths; opening scripture up to me in ways I've never seen before.
One thing in particular is the passage in Philippians that is so often quoted. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here it is in context...
Philippians 4:11-13The Voice (VOICE)
11 I am not saying this because I am in need. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. 12 I know how to survive in tight situations, and I know how to enjoy having plenty. In fact, I have learned how to face any circumstances: fed or hungry, with or without. 13 I can be content in any and every situation through the Anointed One who is my power and strength.
With or without... Learning to be content. Paul had to learn contentment and so do I, and that only comes through Jesus Christ who is my power and strength. Content in any situation because Christ is with me AND as I said earlier, He had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be, so I can trust Him each day. Completely.
Is it always easy? No, but the times of despair are shorter as I learn to draw near to Jesus, as He draws me to Himself in His gentle way.
I still cry with grief, but Jesus lovingly wipes my tears and comforts me with His love.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Life....
Life can be really hard at times. Downright painful. If you're like me, you may wonder at times, if you're going to make it. I have wondered that so many times in the last nine months especially, since my husband passed away in January. The pain of 'losing' the man I was married to for more than 32.5 years has been excruciating at times.
But, who gives us life? God does and according to Psalm 139:16 every day of our lives was planned out before one of them came to be! Nothing that happens in our lives takes God by surprise.
Recently in my Facebook memories some things came up that my husband wrote. He lived his last days with brain cancer and failed eyesight. And yet, look at these words:
Life sometimes, like a broken rope, can leave you stunned when your perceived plans (trajectory?) are suddenly redirected... when you thought you were zooming along on your life course, it suddenly becomes a wild
trajectory.
You thought your middle name was invincible, until the doctor says
cancer.
If life's determined outlook were solely up to my strength, I would die of fear.
But... I know The One who has power to calm raging seas, and calm raging fears.
In really rough cases, He even gives shoulder rides.
I'm hangin' on...
+++
And these from another memory that came up this week:
Ah, the days of youth! I'm finding it incredibly amazing how the Lord has been recently recalling past life snapshots, and being THE voice, behind the narration.
Unlike the weak ~man~ behind the voice of the impotent 'wizard' in the Wizard of Oz, Almighty God is POWER, no one 'speaks' a voice-over for Him!
In this journey, I've had interesting things happen with my hearing.
My spiritual hearing.
during this voyage I've been on, the Lord has sometimes rerun old memories, with an added track, and I'm amazed when He plays it when needed.
Sometimes at the greatest times!
I've had this new playback track kick in, right when I really needed it. Very often, the new track is an encounter with someone I haven't seen for awhile, and it's so great when they ask THE question "so... howya doin?", and I pull off my cap, showing my chrome dome, and they about faint, and we (Pamela & I) have the opportunity to share & encourage!
It's a melody of joy indescribable.
Sometimes it'll be in a wonderful place in my day, when the melody is so exuberant that I'm brought to tears of praiseful joy!
Sometimes... it's in the middle of very frightening cancer doctor appointments, and I'm reminded again
fear can't survive in the presence of the Lord. Trust kills fear. I may need that inoculation 20 times in a day, but The Doctor is always in. No waiting.
One thing I've been blessed to realize is that none of my fears or hardships ever surprised Him.
"Oh my! I didn't know THAT was going to happen! " is not in my Lord's vocabulary.
+++
He hung on to Jesus because he KNEW Jesus was hanging on to him! And his words encourage me now to keep on, with Jesus, fixing my eyes on Him as I throw off the weight and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2). And I can only DO any of that with the help of the Holy Spirit.
This photo is at Chapel of the Roses where Phil's niche is... It's a beautiful place, BUT he's not there... He's in heaven singing praises to His Savior and King, his Creator... Free from cancer, and all the burdens of this life. And he is SEEING.
We have burdens, but please, remember with me, that we are not alone.
We have Someone Who wants to carry our burdens and is with us *every step of the way* on this journey called life, that God planned out for us long ago.
Monday, September 18, 2017
God Shines His Light
I took this picture (with my camera) a few days ago and I have it as wallpaper on my phone. I had gone for a walk and went into the courtyard of the building where my husband used to get his MRIs. I need to make an appointment there myself for a routine procedure but have been putting it off because it's one medical place I haven't been yet since he passed away. So for me going to the courtyard was a first step... What I want to share about this photo is how I have been thinking of it as I look at it... The way the light is hitting the back of the rose and how it's uneven light. And yet the whole rose can be seen because of the light. God shines His light on our lives and He wants to reach to the deepest recesses of who we are and reveal all that needs to be cleansed and stripped away and in doing so He will shine, and His beauty in our lives is what will come forth. Because everything in our lives is under His ultimate control and it's all for our good and His glory, from the lowest, darkest valley, to the highest mountain top. Through it all He is there. Leading. Guiding. Loving. Directing. His compassionate heart is for us. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what we are going through we have His promise to be with us through it all for He will never leave us or forsake us.
(Psalm 23; Lamentations 3:22-23; Deuteronomy 31:6)
Sunday, September 17, 2017
This & That (Ways God is Working)
I haven't posted in quite a while. I had a 'Post-It note' pinned to my status bar of things that I wanted to write about. And so today I decided was the time to do that.
Hopefully this post won't get to lengthy. The first thing I want to talk about is what happened to me a week ago today, last Sunday night. So technically it was actually early Monday morning because it happened during the middle of the night. Ever since I was a little girl I have been terrified of thunderstorms. I knew that there was a possibility of some coming to our area but the chance of that happening had diminished so I went to bed with a peaceful heart. Well, during the night I was woken by the sound of thunder. I must have been sleeping pretty deeply because I was disoriented when I woke up. My thought was, is there a window in this room? And then I remembered that yes there was and where it was. I then fell back asleep, with absolutely no fear! That is huge because in the past I would have been quite fearful. And I would have been going immediately into my husband's arms, but still having fear about the storm. I know without a doubt that last Sunday night God was totally with me and taking away my fear. I woke up again later to the sound of thunder again, which was a much louder rumbling than the first time, but then, I again fell back asleep. I give God all the praise and glory for what He did for me.
Secondly, when I first became a widow someone sent me a link for an article written by Elisabeth Elliot on the gift of widowhood. I never read it, because I did not think at that time of widowhood as being a gift. A few months later someone mentioned that article again, and along with another woman or two, I said no, widowhood is not a gift. I just didn't see how I would ever see my being a widow as a gift... Well, because of what God is doing in my heart and how I have become much closer to Him than ever before in my life, and how I am learning to let go of the anger of grief and knowing that He holds me in my grief, I am now beginning to see widowhood as a gift. This is really huge, but I know that God is with me and that everything He does in my life is for my good and for His glory because of His sovereignty.
The third thing is that last Sunday morning, which was of course before the thunderstorm, so maybe I should have written about that first, but oh well... anyway what happened Sunday morning is that I went to church knowing that my mom and dad and my brother wouldn't be there, without hardly any anxiety at all. Since my husband's death I have experienced anxiety like I have never had before in my life. It got to the point where I had to be put on anti-anxiety meds because of it. But now because I am receiving biblical counseling and memorizing scripture and more in the Word than I have been in a long time, I know that it is these things that are helping way more than any medication ever could. When I got to church none of my family was there and I sat in a row by myself. After the worship time the lady who had been playing the keyboard came and sat next to me. That really blessed me. But the hugest thing was the fact that I know God enabled me to go to church knowing that my parents and brother wouldn't be there. I had almost decided not to go but God pushed me out the door even when I was so tired, He helped me to get ready and go. And I ended up being extremely blessed.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
God is Amazing, Awesome, Wonderful, Worthy to be Praised!
Wow, it's been awhile since I posted. Almost a month... Right now I just heard an acorn hit the roof and roll down. Phil and I both loved that... A silly thing, but it was ours to share. I miss sharing it with him. I miss him. But. I'm not a victim. I'm victorious because of Christ in me. We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us (Romans 8:37).
I hope this post doesn't get too long as I have a few different things on my heart.
One
Last week Thursday I went to the Walmart Vision Center to pick up my new glasses. The young man who helped me used to work in the photo department with my husband. He told me that to this day Phil is his hero. He told me today that Phil helped him learn how to treat people with kindness no matter their attitude and to not let them ruin his day. He also said he helped him to be a better husband and father...
I told him it was God in him... It still made-up me so proud... A gift...his words were/are a gift... I was able to speak to him of God's love for him and how He helps us and he said "oh I know." I mentioned Christ dying on the cross. He assured me when I asked him, that yes he does know Jesus as his Savior and he doesn't know how people make it without God. He said, "Phil always said, God is my Rock, I say, God has my back."
Two
The first part of yesterday was hard for me, but when I laid down for a second nap and was crying so much over what happened last year at this time (Phil starting to get worse) God spoke so profoundly to my heart. He told me that was then and I'm living NOW and I don't need to live in the past. What happened, happened... Sure I still miss him, a lot, and there will still be tears, but God is with me and I can trust that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He's doing now. I know without a doubt He's using the counseling and memorizing scripture and the book (Trusting God by Jerry Bridges) I'm reading to change me...
One paragraph in particular has really helped me. " I will say this next statement as gently and compassionately as I know how. Our first priority in times of adversity is to honor and glorify God by trusting him. We tend to make our first priority the gaining of relief from our feelings of heartache or disappointment or frustration. This is a natural desire, and God has promised to give us grace sufficient for our trials and peace for our anxieties (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; Philippians 4:6-7). But just as God's will is to take precedence over our will (in Matthew 26:39 Jesus himself said, "Yet not as I will but as you will"), so God's honor is to take precedence over our feelings. We honor God by choosing to trust Him when we don't understand what He is doing or why he has allowed some adverse circumstance to occur. As we seek God's glory, we may be sure that He has purposed our good and that He will not be frustrated in fulfilling that purpose."
Something I saw on Instagram yesterday really spoke to my heart in a HUGE way that goes along with the paragraph above (I love how when God wants to teach us something He will often bring a point home in different ways). It was "To heal a wound you need to stop touching it." These words by Shelley Giglio were with that post:
"When we talk more about the wound than we do about the Healer, we minimize the power of God. By His stripes, [His wounds] WE ARE HEALED. Amen."
I'm knowing God's peace and joy in a greater way than I have in a long time. And I know that God is using Phil's death for my good and His glory, because it is what He has promised to do. (The attached picture reflects how I feel now... The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). He is my peace. His work in me is going to be completed. Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.)
Three
This Saturday September 16 is twenty years since God allowed me to give my beloved husband one of my kidneys. I asked my daughter a couple of months ago ago if she could come because I felt (as any anniversary that comes) it would be a sad time. She can't come until Monday or Tuesday but I told her that was OK. I was trying to decide how I'm going to make it through the day... But after what God did in my heart yesterday, I decided I want to CELEBRATE. Even though Phil is now in heaven, the fact remains that the kidney transplant gave us 19 more years together and my daughter had her daddy for 19 more years! That is something to celebrate!
Something I saw on Instagram yesterday really spoke to my heart in a HUGE way that goes along with the paragraph above (I love how when God wants to teach us something He will often bring a point home in different ways). It was "To heal a wound you need to stop touching it." These words by Shelley Giglio were with that post:
"When we talk more about the wound than we do about the Healer, we minimize the power of God. By His stripes, [His wounds] WE ARE HEALED. Amen."
I'm knowing God's peace and joy in a greater way than I have in a long time. And I know that God is using Phil's death for my good and His glory, because it is what He has promised to do. (The attached picture reflects how I feel now... The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). He is my peace. His work in me is going to be completed. Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.)
Three
This Saturday September 16 is twenty years since God allowed me to give my beloved husband one of my kidneys. I asked my daughter a couple of months ago ago if she could come because I felt (as any anniversary that comes) it would be a sad time. She can't come until Monday or Tuesday but I told her that was OK. I was trying to decide how I'm going to make it through the day... But after what God did in my heart yesterday, I decided I want to CELEBRATE. Even though Phil is now in heaven, the fact remains that the kidney transplant gave us 19 more years together and my daughter had her daddy for 19 more years! That is something to celebrate!
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Pain...
Pain can drip down my cheeks - or flow - at the simplest of things, such as shaking a bottle of eye drops and administering them to my eyes. Every set of eye drops I put in for Phil brought a thank you from his lips. He had the most grateful heart.
I am reminded too, of his gentleness, especially when we were having a disagreement. He would remain gentle in his tone of voice.
The memory comes of standing underneath the hallway light so he could see me. His hand goes to my face... "You're so beautiful." 😢
He loved me so completely, so well. Through all my quirks and obstinate ways he loved me. I miss him so much. He kept his vow so well and so faithfully... My dear, sweet husband...
I am reminded too, of his gentleness, especially when we were having a disagreement. He would remain gentle in his tone of voice.
The memory comes of standing underneath the hallway light so he could see me. His hand goes to my face... "You're so beautiful." 😢
He loved me so completely, so well. Through all my quirks and obstinate ways he loved me. I miss him so much. He kept his vow so well and so faithfully... My dear, sweet husband...
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Don't Usually Post Twice in One Day...
... But...
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Memories
I asked God for happy memories this morning as grief came crashing down on me - one of those grief aftershocks I read about. I had gone back to bed, not ready to face the day yet, tears flowing, sobs racking my body, as I cried out to God... A memory came. I smiled. I wanted to turn to Phil and say "remember when...?" But he's not here. He can no longer share memories with me. God was there for each moment of our marriage, so I need to learn to share the memories with Him... This grief life is a journey, a process of learning...
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)
When I woke up about an hour later, I saw a vision of a path with rocks here and there. I couldn't see what was ahead, but I've always loved path pictures because I wonder what's ahead and I think of the path I'm on with God and know He's gone before. In my vision puddles appeared on the path and then it became a river. And I thought of the above verse - when I go through the rivers they will not overwhelm me, because... God. Is. There. The first part of the next verse (3) says: For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Put that all together... When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Beauty from Ashes
http://www.fire.ca.gov/current_incidents/incidentdetails/Index/1672
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
I don't understand.
I didn't call you to understand. I called you to trust.
Totally
Resting
Under
Salvation's
Triumph
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Grief Unfiltered
This morning as I took my warmed mug of coffee out of the microwave, a pesky bug was flying right around the cup. It triggered anger. Grief anger. I almost threw that cup of coffee on the floor. But knew it would be an even bigger mess to clean up than I already had from jostling the cup, trying to get rid of that pesky bug. I poured the coffee into another mug and cleaned up the mess on the floor, while yelling and swearing at God. I wanted to know why (again) He had to take my husband.
Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)
Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several months ago) and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.
You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.
After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!
Then I continued writing:
Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.
When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.
~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...
Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.
Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)
Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several months ago) and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.
You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.
After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!
Then I continued writing:
Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.
When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.
~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...
Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Tangled Sheets, Tears and an 'Empty' Fridge
I didn't used to get tangled up in the sheets. I do now. Being by myself in our queen-sized bed, means I basically sleep in the middle. And the sheets get wrapped around me, all tangled up. That may seem silly but it's a painful thing to my heart. Not always, but sometimes.
I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly) grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,
The fridge is 'empty'. It's strange to open it and see it so 'bare'. I have adequate food for me, but getting used to less, that hurts too.
So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning...
I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly) grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,
"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away."
So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning...
Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Missing My Husband
Really missing Phil. I miss his presence, miss talking with him, miss his wit, miss holding his hand, miss going to bed with him and waking up with him, miss him telling me multiple times a day that he loves me, miss his hug amd kisses, miss him telling me he's praying for me, or asking me what he can pray for me about... I. Miss. My. Husband.
I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through...
I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately.
New Living Translation (NLT)
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through...
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Our Anniversary...
I shared this on Facebook but wanted to share it here too...
In an earlier post I said I was going to share memories of our wedding 💒 day... I'm just gonna share (meaning I'm just gonna start writing and see what happens). I have no idea how long this will be... Thirty-three years ago tomorrow, June 23, Philip John Kliewer and Pamela Joy Pauls were united in holy matrimony. We were 23, a couple of young kids. We wrote our own vows and had some traditional ones too. We talked to each other during the music... We gazed with love into each others eyes and we committed to love, honor and cherish each other until death parted us... Little knowing 32.5 years later it would be death that parted us. We can say what Phil died from, but in all honesty God chose the day Phil would go home to heaven. Job 14:5 says "You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."
Phil and I walked down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife and introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Philip John Kliewer to a worship song we had the congregation sing. The words are: I will arise and go forth
In the name of the Lord of hosts,
For He has conquered every foe
By His name, by His name.
I will declare He is the Lord.
And in Him I am not afraid,
I will arise and go forth in His name.
God made us one flesh, so we wanted to honor Him from that first day as central in our marriage.
The first year or two was rough; we had many fights and lots of tears. We had to *learn* how to be married. We were friends before our courtship and I think that was in our favor. We learned how to work through our difficulties and personality differences. Several years down the road Phil even initiated counseling for us when we were at an impasse over some issues. That he initiated it spoke volumes to me of how much he loved me.
Phil faced many health challenges during the course of our marriage due to diabetes (type 1 - he was diagnosed at 18). God used those times to strengthen Phil and our marriage and to further solidify our union.
We were blessed with one child, our daughter, Rebekah, a little less than two years after we married. Phil loved having a daughter and as she grew his delight in her grew. He let her put clips and barrettes in his hair and loved every minute of it. They shared a love of fishing together in his folks' pond and in later years, hiking and enjoying photography together.
Phil loved me completely and learned my love language ~ gifts. He would leave me notes to find or bring something home from work. After he was declared legally blind and his Dr told him to quit driving he would walk across the street sometimes, on his lunch break, to buy flowers at Albertson's and present them to me when I picked him up from work.
Over the years we shared many wonderful conversations, went on a get away at least once a year (usually on our anniversary), shared our joys and sorrows, hopes and dreams.
It was almost 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with primary cns lymphoma (brain cancer). I watched his fear melt away over time as he *chose* to put his faith in Jesus and lean on Him. As he gradually lost his vision, his trust in God grew stronger. He was standing on the Rock and sometimes when a song would come on the radio I would look over and see his hands raised to God, tears streaming down his face, as a smile of joy was on his lips. The last several months he often said "God is my ROCK." And he meant it.
Being his wife was a delight and made the challenge of being his caregiver a bit easier. The last 4-5 months grew increasingly difficult as his body just gave out... But, every. single. day. I knew he was praying for me. He would ask me what he could pray for or tell me he was praying for me. And his grateful heart... Wow. He thanked me for everything...putting eyedrops in, bringing him water, food, helping guide him through the house, going for walks (when he was still able). He had in home health care and he was the same way with the nurses. Anyone who did anything for him was met with a heartfelt thank you.
The picture was taken sometime last year, when he was still able to get out... It's one of my favorites.
I shall miss Phil every day for the rest of my life, I'm sure, but as we always said when we talked on the phone (this started during our dating years), "Hello", meaning I'll see you later... This isn't goodbye because we both have our hope in Jesus Christ. And we believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and no man comes to the Father except through Him... Jesus shed His blood so we could be free from sin and bondage and spend eternity with Him. So, hello, honey. I love you. Happy Anniversary. ❣️
In an earlier post I said I was going to share memories of our wedding 💒 day... I'm just gonna share (meaning I'm just gonna start writing and see what happens). I have no idea how long this will be... Thirty-three years ago tomorrow, June 23, Philip John Kliewer and Pamela Joy Pauls were united in holy matrimony. We were 23, a couple of young kids. We wrote our own vows and had some traditional ones too. We talked to each other during the music... We gazed with love into each others eyes and we committed to love, honor and cherish each other until death parted us... Little knowing 32.5 years later it would be death that parted us. We can say what Phil died from, but in all honesty God chose the day Phil would go home to heaven. Job 14:5 says "You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."
Phil and I walked down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife and introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Philip John Kliewer to a worship song we had the congregation sing. The words are: I will arise and go forth
In the name of the Lord of hosts,
For He has conquered every foe
By His name, by His name.
I will declare He is the Lord.
And in Him I am not afraid,
I will arise and go forth in His name.
God made us one flesh, so we wanted to honor Him from that first day as central in our marriage.
The first year or two was rough; we had many fights and lots of tears. We had to *learn* how to be married. We were friends before our courtship and I think that was in our favor. We learned how to work through our difficulties and personality differences. Several years down the road Phil even initiated counseling for us when we were at an impasse over some issues. That he initiated it spoke volumes to me of how much he loved me.
Phil faced many health challenges during the course of our marriage due to diabetes (type 1 - he was diagnosed at 18). God used those times to strengthen Phil and our marriage and to further solidify our union.
We were blessed with one child, our daughter, Rebekah, a little less than two years after we married. Phil loved having a daughter and as she grew his delight in her grew. He let her put clips and barrettes in his hair and loved every minute of it. They shared a love of fishing together in his folks' pond and in later years, hiking and enjoying photography together.
Phil loved me completely and learned my love language ~ gifts. He would leave me notes to find or bring something home from work. After he was declared legally blind and his Dr told him to quit driving he would walk across the street sometimes, on his lunch break, to buy flowers at Albertson's and present them to me when I picked him up from work.
Over the years we shared many wonderful conversations, went on a get away at least once a year (usually on our anniversary), shared our joys and sorrows, hopes and dreams.
It was almost 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with primary cns lymphoma (brain cancer). I watched his fear melt away over time as he *chose* to put his faith in Jesus and lean on Him. As he gradually lost his vision, his trust in God grew stronger. He was standing on the Rock and sometimes when a song would come on the radio I would look over and see his hands raised to God, tears streaming down his face, as a smile of joy was on his lips. The last several months he often said "God is my ROCK." And he meant it.
Being his wife was a delight and made the challenge of being his caregiver a bit easier. The last 4-5 months grew increasingly difficult as his body just gave out... But, every. single. day. I knew he was praying for me. He would ask me what he could pray for or tell me he was praying for me. And his grateful heart... Wow. He thanked me for everything...putting eyedrops in, bringing him water, food, helping guide him through the house, going for walks (when he was still able). He had in home health care and he was the same way with the nurses. Anyone who did anything for him was met with a heartfelt thank you.
The picture was taken sometime last year, when he was still able to get out... It's one of my favorites.
I shall miss Phil every day for the rest of my life, I'm sure, but as we always said when we talked on the phone (this started during our dating years), "Hello", meaning I'll see you later... This isn't goodbye because we both have our hope in Jesus Christ. And we believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and no man comes to the Father except through Him... Jesus shed His blood so we could be free from sin and bondage and spend eternity with Him. So, hello, honey. I love you. Happy Anniversary. ❣️
Monday, June 19, 2017
Random (?) Thoughts (long)
When I am reading nonfiction books, it is rare for me to read straight through in a matter of days, weeks, or months. I pick them up here and there and read a bit and journal/chew on it. So, I may have several nonfiction books going at once. One particular book I'm considering reading a bit in, each day now, is, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I picked it up again the other day (hadn't read in it since April) and it triggered a thought on my grief that blew me away.
The book is basically on giving thanks. And what I read was that we have to practice because giving thanks is something we have to learn. She says, "This is why I had never really learned the language of 'thanks in all things'! Though pastors preached it, I still came home and griped on. I had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation...
"This training might prove to be the hardest of my life. It just might save my life."
What I wrote by that is, Training...unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground...
Why did I write that? Because it made me think of my husband's death as being a means of a time of learning and growing for me. The verse is John 12:24 (VOICE) "I tell you the truth: unless a grain of wheat is planted in the ground and dies, it remains a solitary seed. But when it is planted, it produces in death a great harvest." I realize I am taking the verse out of context, however the thought I had the next day after reading the passage in the book again, was this (from my journal), Will I be able to/can I say now that this is the most challenging yet most rewarding experience of my life?! Something to ponder... Why does that feel like a betrayal? It shouldn't, because Phil is in heaven - in glory - face to face with Jesus.
And - rewarding - because my reward is Jesus. Like a friend said the other day, we fix our eyes on the prize - and the prize is Jesus. (end journal entry)
Because of Phil's death - which still causes me much pain, especially this month and this week as our anniversary draws nearer (Friday June 23) - I am leaning harder on Jesus than I ever have in my life. I woke up early yesterday morning from a bad dream in which I was being threatened and in my dream I was calling Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! And then I woke up, heart pounding... And I said Jesus. Yes, I wished Phil was next to me in bed to turn to and hold me. He wasn't. I kept calling the name of Jesus and His peace settled over me and the fear left. So, I wrote in my journal yesterday morning: Early this morning after having a bad dream and wishing just a bit Phil was here to hold me... I was reflecting on the fact that he did not complete me - that's simply not true - he wasn't my other half. Yes, we two became one we became "us". But it wasn't two halves becoming one it was two complete individuals becoming one. We were individuals when God created and brought us together as one. So, now that he is gone I am no less complete than I was before we married. In this whole thinking process, I realize I will still have grief - I will still shed tears, maybe get angry and have regrets - BUT this seems to have been a paradigm shift for me and I know God will use this time as a refining fire - it may (probably will) hurt terribly at times, but this will end in bringing glory to Him and honoring Him . It will bring me closer to Him who loved me first.
The book is basically on giving thanks. And what I read was that we have to practice because giving thanks is something we have to learn. She says, "This is why I had never really learned the language of 'thanks in all things'! Though pastors preached it, I still came home and griped on. I had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation...
"This training might prove to be the hardest of my life. It just might save my life."
What I wrote by that is, Training...unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground...
Why did I write that? Because it made me think of my husband's death as being a means of a time of learning and growing for me. The verse is John 12:24 (VOICE) "I tell you the truth: unless a grain of wheat is planted in the ground and dies, it remains a solitary seed. But when it is planted, it produces in death a great harvest." I realize I am taking the verse out of context, however the thought I had the next day after reading the passage in the book again, was this (from my journal), Will I be able to/can I say now that this is the most challenging yet most rewarding experience of my life?! Something to ponder... Why does that feel like a betrayal? It shouldn't, because Phil is in heaven - in glory - face to face with Jesus.
And - rewarding - because my reward is Jesus. Like a friend said the other day, we fix our eyes on the prize - and the prize is Jesus. (end journal entry)
Because of Phil's death - which still causes me much pain, especially this month and this week as our anniversary draws nearer (Friday June 23) - I am leaning harder on Jesus than I ever have in my life. I woke up early yesterday morning from a bad dream in which I was being threatened and in my dream I was calling Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! And then I woke up, heart pounding... And I said Jesus. Yes, I wished Phil was next to me in bed to turn to and hold me. He wasn't. I kept calling the name of Jesus and His peace settled over me and the fear left. So, I wrote in my journal yesterday morning: Early this morning after having a bad dream and wishing just a bit Phil was here to hold me... I was reflecting on the fact that he did not complete me - that's simply not true - he wasn't my other half. Yes, we two became one we became "us". But it wasn't two halves becoming one it was two complete individuals becoming one. We were individuals when God created and brought us together as one. So, now that he is gone I am no less complete than I was before we married. In this whole thinking process, I realize I will still have grief - I will still shed tears, maybe get angry and have regrets - BUT this seems to have been a paradigm shift for me and I know God will use this time as a refining fire - it may (probably will) hurt terribly at times, but this will end in bringing glory to Him and honoring Him . It will bring me closer to Him who loved me first.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Five Months Today and...
It's been five months today since my beloved left for his eternal home. I want to say he left me, but he didn't because he never would have done that.
It's also 20 days until our 33rd anniversary.
My heart feels shattered all over again today. I have gotten angry - very angry. To me it's the worst part of grief. It leaves me shaking and drained. My heart doesn't like being this angry...or calling myself names... Part of the anger is from wanting Phil here to help me with certain things, that doing on my own make me feel dumb... Or wishing he was here because I see other couples I know enjoying their 'coupleness' and I want to say it's not fair! And I did, out loud, to God. Would I wish this terrible grief on them though? Absolutely not.
I just remembered something I read yesterday... From the book Song of the Silent Harp by BJ Hoff...
Two different passages in the same scene just a few paragraphs apart:
"I have come to believe that God’s ways were never meant to be entirely understood. Perhaps the fact that I cannot perceive the reasons for His doing what He does or does not do only serves to point out that I am human, and He divine.”
“Ah, lad, don’t make the mistake of expecting life to have the qualities of God. Learn now, while you’re young, not to compare the two, or it may well drive you mad one day. Life is life, and God is God, and it’s nothing but folly to confuse the two. Life will never be fair, Daniel John, but we must believe that God is never less than fair. That is the truth, even though it’s often a hard truth to cling to, especially in times like these.”
Something else I read yesterday that helped me was from the devotional Through a Season of Grief (you can actually sign up for them to get in a daily email at griefshare.org). Here's what I read:
It's also 20 days until our 33rd anniversary.
My heart feels shattered all over again today. I have gotten angry - very angry. To me it's the worst part of grief. It leaves me shaking and drained. My heart doesn't like being this angry...or calling myself names... Part of the anger is from wanting Phil here to help me with certain things, that doing on my own make me feel dumb... Or wishing he was here because I see other couples I know enjoying their 'coupleness' and I want to say it's not fair! And I did, out loud, to God. Would I wish this terrible grief on them though? Absolutely not.
I just remembered something I read yesterday... From the book Song of the Silent Harp by BJ Hoff...
Two different passages in the same scene just a few paragraphs apart:
"I have come to believe that God’s ways were never meant to be entirely understood. Perhaps the fact that I cannot perceive the reasons for His doing what He does or does not do only serves to point out that I am human, and He divine.”
“Ah, lad, don’t make the mistake of expecting life to have the qualities of God. Learn now, while you’re young, not to compare the two, or it may well drive you mad one day. Life is life, and God is God, and it’s nothing but folly to confuse the two. Life will never be fair, Daniel John, but we must believe that God is never less than fair. That is the truth, even though it’s often a hard truth to cling to, especially in times like these.”
Something else I read yesterday that helped me was from the devotional Through a Season of Grief (you can actually sign up for them to get in a daily email at griefshare.org). Here's what I read:
Healing
"Just give it time," people say. That is misleading. Time alone will not heal your grief.
"I knew about the process and steps of grief recovery. But still, it felt like the weight of grief on my shoulders would never be lifted," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "It's okay to feel that way. But know it won't last forever.
"Your feelings at this point aren't the crucial issue. What is important is that you choose to stay close to the Lord and not turn away from Him. If you walk with God as He walks with you, one day you will wake up and say, 'It's a little bit better.'"
God is the source of all healing. Make the decision to remain close to Him despite your emotional struggles.
"I am the LORD who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).
Jehovah Rapha, healing God, you are my healer, and I choose to walk with You. Amen.
~~~
So, yes, I get angry like I did this morning, but if I keep turning to God because I KNOW He is walking with me, all the time and all the way through this journey regardless of my actions, I will continue to move forward in this seemingly snail pace of a journey...because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He Who promised is faithful!
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Heart Hurts and Pinpricks of Light
Yesterday was May 23, not that significant of a date, really, but it is to me. Every 23rd day of the month Phil and I would say Happy Anniversary to each other because we got married on the 23rd of June, 1984, so each month when that day rolled around, it was a celebration even if we only said Happy Anniversary, it was packed with love and meaning for us. The first year we had a slice of our wedding cake each month which we kept in the freezer. I don't remember if we made it the whole year as it may have gotten stale.
Yesterday was hard because it began the countdown of one month until our anniversary and it brought to mind the preparations we were making for our wedding day and our life together... Ordering flowers, the cake, final tux ordering and bridesmaids dresses being made... Getting our wedding rings (I wore Phil's on a chain around my neck until the big day). Phil moved into our apartment and we began making it our home.
So there were lots of tears yesterday and I know there will be many more. In fact, I've cried already this morning because I thought I heard him call me and it woke me up, "Sweetie... Sweetie... The tears, they flowed, knowing he wasn't calling me because he's not here...
One of Phil's favorite passages in the Bible was where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are ordered to bow down to the king or be thrown in the fiery furnace. And they said that they KNEW their God was able to deliver them but even if He didn't they would not bow. So, they were thrown in. And who was with them in that fierce, blazing heat? Jesus. So, Phil liked that story because he KNEW God was with him in every fiery trial and he would not bow to defeat. Therein lies my pinprick of light. Yes, tears are shed and my heart HURTS. Sometimes it feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces or that I'm drowning in sorrow... But GOD. He is with me in this fiery trial and even when my faith is weak, He is faithful. He. Is. Faithful.
Yesterday was hard because it began the countdown of one month until our anniversary and it brought to mind the preparations we were making for our wedding day and our life together... Ordering flowers, the cake, final tux ordering and bridesmaids dresses being made... Getting our wedding rings (I wore Phil's on a chain around my neck until the big day). Phil moved into our apartment and we began making it our home.
So there were lots of tears yesterday and I know there will be many more. In fact, I've cried already this morning because I thought I heard him call me and it woke me up, "Sweetie... Sweetie... The tears, they flowed, knowing he wasn't calling me because he's not here...
One of Phil's favorite passages in the Bible was where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are ordered to bow down to the king or be thrown in the fiery furnace. And they said that they KNEW their God was able to deliver them but even if He didn't they would not bow. So, they were thrown in. And who was with them in that fierce, blazing heat? Jesus. So, Phil liked that story because he KNEW God was with him in every fiery trial and he would not bow to defeat. Therein lies my pinprick of light. Yes, tears are shed and my heart HURTS. Sometimes it feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces or that I'm drowning in sorrow... But GOD. He is with me in this fiery trial and even when my faith is weak, He is faithful. He. Is. Faithful.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Struggling with Acceptance
It will soon be five months since my husband passed away. My greatest struggle at this point is accepting that he is gone and will not be coming back. My heart aches so much of the time and there is always an underlying sadness. Phil isn't at the hospital soon to be home as I tried to tell myself a few months ago, but I do know where he is and for this I am eternally grateful. He is Home, Home with His Savior, who shed His blood for us so that we can be forever free from the weight of sin and have the Holy Spirit to comfort us in the midst of our darkest and deepest pain. Jesus promised to NEVER leave us or forsake us, and this promise is kept when we put our trust in Him by giving Him our lives as we then receive the Holy Spirit.
While I know the comfort of God, the struggle of accepting my new reality is very difficult and I have cried many tears. I had no idea I had so many... I miss Phil so very much...
I miss holding his hand which was as natural as breathing. Before he lost his sight and had to use a walker because of extreme weakness, taking his hand wherever we went was part of who we were.
I miss his smile, so full of fun and life.
I miss our private jokes.
The sound of his voice... Him telling me I'm beautiful, even as his vision got worse and worse and we found a spot in the house where the light was just right and he could see me...and he would gasp and say, "you're so beautiful."
I miss talking with him, the tender gentleness of his voice, calming me when I was frustrated, praying for me when I was scared.... He would often ask me throughout the day how he could pray for me or tell me that he was... And he would thank me for every little thing I did for him... He had the most grateful heart...
How do I accept that he is gone and not coming back? I don't know but I do know God is with me and will help me come to that acceptance... eventually...
While I know the comfort of God, the struggle of accepting my new reality is very difficult and I have cried many tears. I had no idea I had so many... I miss Phil so very much...
I miss holding his hand which was as natural as breathing. Before he lost his sight and had to use a walker because of extreme weakness, taking his hand wherever we went was part of who we were.
I miss his smile, so full of fun and life.
I miss our private jokes.
The sound of his voice... Him telling me I'm beautiful, even as his vision got worse and worse and we found a spot in the house where the light was just right and he could see me...and he would gasp and say, "you're so beautiful."
I miss talking with him, the tender gentleness of his voice, calming me when I was frustrated, praying for me when I was scared.... He would often ask me throughout the day how he could pray for me or tell me that he was... And he would thank me for every little thing I did for him... He had the most grateful heart...
How do I accept that he is gone and not coming back? I don't know but I do know God is with me and will help me come to that acceptance... eventually...
Friday, May 19, 2017
Seems Harder Lately
I have wondered why grief seems so much harder lately. I realized in part, it's because 33 years ago Phil and I were planning our June 23 wedding. I have been dreading our anniversary.
Also, March is when the birthdays start in our little family, with our daughter's at the beginning of March, mine toward the end of April and my husband's nine days after mine, in May (I was literally nine days older than him). Then, in June is our anniversary, so I've had all these 'firsts' with the biggest one looming before me...
Our last two anniversaries were already hard, because of Phil being sick, and especially last year because he was receiving treatment for primary CNS lymphoma (brain cancer). In September of 2015 was our last get away... It had been a couple years or more since we'd had one and we always tried to get away once a year. This one was a combination anniversary celebration and end of radiation treatment....
So, last night as tears flowed, I was remembering what we were doing 33 years ago.. . ordering flowers, the cake, premarital counseling, final fittings on my wedding dress, getting the tuxes and bridesmaids dresses figured out... All that goes into planning a wedding. Plus getting our first apartment... Phil moved into it a month before we got married.
And grief, it sat heavy on my shoulders, weighing me down... And it still does today...
I KNOW that I don't grieve without hope but at times this lonnnng journey, this dark night of the soul seems it will go on forever. I know it's only been four and a half months and I have a long road ahead of me... And I know God is with me and without His glimmers of light in this darkness my grief would be that much harder. I can't imagine this without Him and I know He is near when my face is wet with tears and/or anger gets the best of me...
Psalm 6:6-7a (NLT)
"I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief."
I haven't actually cried all night but there are times when I do just cry and cry... I'm reading a book by another widow on her grief journey and she had these two verses at the end of a section:
I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. PSALM 102:7
Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. JOHN 16:32
Knowing I'm not alone, that God is with me, helps, but there are times when the grief overwhelms me and I miss my husband so much and loneliness for him consumes me, especially now as I remember... And know what's coming up...
I am thankful that our daughter is coming at that time and for the plans we have...
Any prayers are appreciated. Thank you...
Also, March is when the birthdays start in our little family, with our daughter's at the beginning of March, mine toward the end of April and my husband's nine days after mine, in May (I was literally nine days older than him). Then, in June is our anniversary, so I've had all these 'firsts' with the biggest one looming before me...
Our last two anniversaries were already hard, because of Phil being sick, and especially last year because he was receiving treatment for primary CNS lymphoma (brain cancer). In September of 2015 was our last get away... It had been a couple years or more since we'd had one and we always tried to get away once a year. This one was a combination anniversary celebration and end of radiation treatment....
So, last night as tears flowed, I was remembering what we were doing 33 years ago.. . ordering flowers, the cake, premarital counseling, final fittings on my wedding dress, getting the tuxes and bridesmaids dresses figured out... All that goes into planning a wedding. Plus getting our first apartment... Phil moved into it a month before we got married.
And grief, it sat heavy on my shoulders, weighing me down... And it still does today...
I KNOW that I don't grieve without hope but at times this lonnnng journey, this dark night of the soul seems it will go on forever. I know it's only been four and a half months and I have a long road ahead of me... And I know God is with me and without His glimmers of light in this darkness my grief would be that much harder. I can't imagine this without Him and I know He is near when my face is wet with tears and/or anger gets the best of me...
Psalm 6:6-7a (NLT)
"I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief."
I haven't actually cried all night but there are times when I do just cry and cry... I'm reading a book by another widow on her grief journey and she had these two verses at the end of a section:
I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. PSALM 102:7
Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. JOHN 16:32
Knowing I'm not alone, that God is with me, helps, but there are times when the grief overwhelms me and I miss my husband so much and loneliness for him consumes me, especially now as I remember... And know what's coming up...
I am thankful that our daughter is coming at that time and for the plans we have...
Any prayers are appreciated. Thank you...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Grief Has No Manners
Grief Has No Manners
by Pamela Kliewer
May 16, 2017
Do I still have it in me? The ability
to write? Everything has changed since the day my husband left his
earthly body to go to his heavenly home. Tears are often my
companion, as grief overwhelms me yet again, and there seems to be
nothing that can be done to staunch their flow. Grief has no manners.
It sneaks up from out of nowhere, its grip fierce and quick.
But really, it's all I can expect. The
love of my life, my husband, my best friend, is gone forever from
this life and to not grieve, to not cry rivers of tears would be to
deny the love we shared for so many years. I find myself teary-eyed
as I walk through Walmart, feeling aimless. Or tears will well up
when I do something or the first time since he passed away... walking
the boardwalk in Cambria by myself the other day tears pooled in my
eyes, as I felt so alone, not having Phil beside me, but at the same
time God was there and I felt peace and joy too. Having grief with
peace and joy right beside it, is actually kind of strange, and yet,
could I expect any less with God being by my side?
Sometimes I wonder how in the world I'm
going to go on, and often times I don't want to go on. I just
want to stay in bed all day and let the tears and the grief have
their way. But I can't do that... there's something within me that
causes that to go against my nature... while I do take a nap
(sometimes 2) almost every day, I just can't stay in bed all day.
And the aimlessness I feel, that's just
so foreign to me, but my job of caregiver, as well as my husband were
ripped from me at the same time, yes, ripped, that's what it feels
like, like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped away and I was
left with a huge hole in my heart, in my life, with no knowledge
whatsoever of what to do now.
I learned something the other day when
I went to my first GriefShare meeting, and that is that sometimes
people hide behind spirituality. I felt my eyes grow wide and my head
nodding in agreement. It's true... people ask how are you... oh fine,
God is carrying me... I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable
with my grief... sometimes I tell them that it's hard but I'm making
it... and truthfully, I am making it, but there are times,
many times, I just want this grief to be over already.... to be
through with the pain and the deep ache. To not have to shed any more
tears, to not have anger overtake me to the point of being in a
rage... it scares me. To be done with anxiety, and the inability, at
times, to function or even make a simple decision....
On the other side of all these emotions
that are so foreign to me, there is God... and while I don't always
feel His presence I know He is here... because yes, He has promised
to never leave me for forsake me and that He is a very present help
in trouble... I cry out to Him and He's there, holding me, calming
me... comforting me as only He can... I can expect it...
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