God Shines His Light

I took this picture (with my camera) a few days ago and I have it as wallpaper on my phone. I had gone for a walk and went into the courtyard of the building where my husband used to get his MRIs. I need to make an appointment there myself for a routine procedure but have been putting it off because it's one medical place I haven't been yet since he passed away. So for me going to the courtyard was a first step... What I want to share about this photo is how I have been thinking of it as I look at it... The way the light is hitting the back of the rose and how it's uneven light. And yet the whole rose can be seen because of the light. God shines His light on our lives and He wants to reach to the deepest recesses of who we are and reveal all that needs to be cleansed and stripped away and in doing so He will shine, and His beauty in our lives is what will come forth. Because everything in our lives is under His ultimate control and it's all for our good and His glory, from the lowest, darkest valley, to the highest mountain top. Through it all He is  there.  Leading. Guiding. Loving. Directing. His compassionate heart is for us. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what we are going through we have His promise to be with us through it all for He will never leave us or forsake us.
(Psalm 23; Lamentations 3:22-23; Deuteronomy 31:6)

This & That (Ways God is Working)

I haven't posted in quite a while. I had a 'Post-It note' pinned to my status bar of things that I wanted to write about. And so today I decided was the time to do that.

Hopefully this post won't get to lengthy. The first thing I want to talk about is what happened to me a week ago today, last Sunday night. So technically it was actually early Monday morning because it happened during the middle of the night. Ever since I was a little girl I have been terrified of thunderstorms. I knew that there was a possibility of some coming to our area but the chance of that happening had diminished so I went to bed with a peaceful heart. Well, during the night I was woken by the sound of thunder. I must have been sleeping pretty deeply because I was disoriented when I woke up. My thought was, is there a window in this room? And then I remembered that yes there was and where it was. I then fell back asleep, with absolutely no fear! That is huge because in the past I would have been quite fearful. And I would have been going immediately into my husband's arms, but still having fear about the storm. I know without a doubt that last Sunday night God was totally with me and taking away my fear. I woke up again later to the sound of thunder again, which was a much louder rumbling than the first time, but then, I again fell back asleep. I give God all the praise and glory for what He did for me.

Secondly, when I first became a widow someone sent me a link for an article written by Elisabeth Elliot on the gift of widowhood. I never read it, because I did not think at that time of widowhood as being a gift. A few months later someone mentioned that article again, and along with another woman or two, I said no, widowhood is not a gift. I just didn't see how I would ever see my being a widow as a gift... Well, because of what God is doing in my heart and how I have become much closer to Him than ever before in my life, and how I am learning to let go of the anger of grief and knowing that He holds me in my grief, I am now beginning to see widowhood as a gift. This is really huge, but I know that God is with me and that everything He does in my life is for my good and for His glory because of His sovereignty.

The third thing is that last Sunday morning, which was of course before the thunderstorm, so maybe I should have written about that first, but oh well... anyway what happened Sunday morning is that I went to church knowing that my mom and dad and my brother wouldn't be there, without hardly any anxiety at all. Since my husband's death I have experienced anxiety like I have never had before in my life. It got to the point where I had to be put on anti-anxiety meds because of it. But now because I am receiving biblical counseling and memorizing scripture and more in the Word than I have been in a long time, I know that it is these things that are helping way more than any medication ever could. When I got to church none of my family was there and I sat in a row by myself. After the worship time the lady who had been playing the keyboard came and sat next to me. That really blessed me. But the hugest thing was the fact that I know God enabled me to go to church knowing that my parents and brother wouldn't be there. I had almost decided not to go but God pushed me out the door even when I was so tired, He helped me to get ready and go. And I ended up being extremely blessed.

God is Amazing, Awesome, Wonderful, Worthy to be Praised!

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted. Almost a month... Right now I just heard an acorn hit the roof and roll down. Phil and I both loved that... A silly thing, but it was ours to share. I miss sharing it with him. I miss him. But. I'm not a victim. I'm victorious because of Christ in me. We are more than  conquerors through Him who loves us (Romans 8:37).

I hope this post doesn't get too long as I have a few different things on my heart.

One 

Last week Thursday I went to the Walmart Vision Center to pick up my new glasses. The young man who helped me used to work in the photo department with my husband. He told me that to this day Phil is his hero. He told me today that Phil helped him learn how to treat people with kindness no matter their attitude and to not let them ruin his day. He also said he helped him to be a better husband and father...

I told him it was God in him... It still made-up me so proud... A gift...his words were/are a gift...     I was able to speak to him of God's love for him and how He helps us and he said "oh I know." I mentioned Christ dying on the cross. He assured me when  I asked him, that yes he does know Jesus as his Savior and he doesn't know how people make it without God. He said, "Phil always said, God is my Rock, I say, God has my back."

Two 

The first part of yesterday was hard for me, but when I laid down for a second nap and was crying so much over what happened last year at this time (Phil starting to get worse) God spoke so profoundly to my heart. He told me that was then and I'm living NOW and I don't need to live in the past. What happened, happened... Sure I still miss him, a lot, and there will still be tears, but God is with me and I can trust that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He's doing now. I know without a doubt He's using the counseling and memorizing scripture and the book (Trusting God by Jerry Bridges) I'm reading to change me... 

One paragraph in particular has really helped me. " I will say this next statement as gently and compassionately as I know how. Our first priority in times of adversity is to honor and glorify God by trusting him. We tend to make our first priority the gaining of relief from our feelings of heartache or disappointment or frustration. This is a natural desire, and God has promised to give us grace sufficient for our trials and peace for our anxieties (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; Philippians 4:6-7). But just as God's will is to take precedence over our will (in Matthew 26:39 Jesus himself said, "Yet not as I will but as you will"), so God's honor is to take precedence over our feelings. We honor God by choosing to trust Him when we don't understand what He is doing or why he has allowed some adverse circumstance to occur. As we seek God's glory, we may be sure that He has purposed our good and that He will not be frustrated in fulfilling that purpose."

Something I saw on Instagram yesterday really spoke to my heart in a HUGE way that goes along with the paragraph above (I love how when God wants to teach us something He will often bring a point home in different ways). It was "To heal a wound you need to stop touching it." These words by Shelley Giglio were with that post:
"When we talk more about the wound than we do about the Healer, we minimize the power of God. By His stripes, [His wounds] WE ARE HEALED. Amen."

I'm knowing God's peace and joy in a greater way than I have in a long time. And I know that God is using Phil's death for my good and His glory, because it is what He has promised to do. (The attached picture reflects how I feel now... The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). He is my peace. His work in me is going to be completed. Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.) 

Three
This Saturday September 16 is twenty years since God allowed me to give my beloved husband one of my kidneys. I asked my daughter a couple of months ago ago if she could come because I felt (as any anniversary that comes) it would be a sad time. She can't come until Monday or Tuesday but I told her that was OK. I was trying to decide how I'm going to make it through the day... But after what God did in my heart yesterday, I decided I want to CELEBRATE. Even though Phil is now in heaven, the fact remains that the kidney transplant gave us 19 more years together and my daughter had her daddy for 19 more years! That is something to celebrate!