Grief Unfiltered

This morning as I took my warmed mug of coffee out of the microwave, a pesky bug was flying right around the cup. It triggered anger. Grief anger. I almost threw that cup of coffee on the floor. But knew it would be an even bigger mess to clean up than I already had from jostling the cup,  trying to get rid of that pesky bug. I poured the coffee into another mug and cleaned up the mess on the floor, while yelling and swearing at God. I wanted to know why (again) He had to take my husband.

Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)

Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several  months ago)  and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.

You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.

After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!

Then I continued writing:

Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
         of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.

Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered  waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day  and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.

When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.

~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...

Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."  Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.

Tangled Sheets, Tears and an 'Empty' Fridge

I didn't used to get tangled up in the sheets. I do now. Being by myself in our queen-sized bed, means I basically sleep in the middle. And the sheets get wrapped around me, all tangled up. That may seem silly but it's a painful thing to my heart. Not always, but sometimes.

I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly)  grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away." 

The fridge is 'empty'. It's strange to open it and see it so 'bare'. I have adequate food for me, but getting used to less, that hurts too. 

So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning... 

Lamentations 3:21-26

Yet this I call to mind

 and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning  great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Missing My Husband

Really missing Phil. I miss his presence, miss talking with him, miss his wit, miss holding his hand, miss going to bed with him and waking up with him, miss him telling me multiple times a day that he loves me, miss his hug amd kisses, miss him telling me he's praying for me, or asking me what he can pray for me about... I. Miss. My. Husband. 

I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately. 

New Living Translation (NLT)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through...