Strong Emotions

Last month I went to see the movie Unplanned with a friend of mine and during one scene I experienced something I hope to never experience again. I had a strong reaction to a scene with lots of blood. I had the feeling I used to get when I was younger and would visit people in the hospital - a feeling of nausea and just feeling sick. 

This reaction though, was seemingly 100 times worse. I was not only nauseous, but I 'went under' - that's what my friend told me later, that I was under water. 

I was sweating profusely, I felt sick, and my hearing was messed up. My friend's voice sounded different and far away. I don't know how long it took me to 'come out'. I had thought of getting up, but I knew I'd probably fall if I did and I didn't want to disturb the others in the theater sitting behind us. 

I opened my eyes a few times, but waited until I knew for sure it was 'safe'. I don't know how much of the movie I missed, but I don't want to watch it again to find out... 

Last week I was watching the movie, Of Mice and Men online through a streaming service. Again there was a scene with lots of blood and I started feeling like I did at the theater, so I turned it off.

I called my daughter, because I knew she'd still be up and I needed someone to talk to, so I could process through a little bit. She said she didn't know I had an aversion to blood, and I said I usually didn't. Then she said something that made sense, she wondered if it was intense emotions. Bingo.

Just this week I did something that reminded me of taking care of Phil when he was sick, and I had just an inkling of feeling the same way I did when I saw those movie scenes. The emotions came rushing to the surface. 

I wrote this in my journal yesterday: 

Empathy
No longer being a caregiver
What do I do with myself now?
Changes
I neither asked for nor wanted?
I wouldn't say that.... but the changes came
because Phil died.
No longer a wife.

Widow
Bereft
Alone
Rudderless

In the very depths of my being is the longing to be needed. To give somehow to someone... a spouse? I've been left without the means to give as I used to. To love as I loved him. Loving a spouse is different than loving anyone else... the marital love is... gone. I loved that way and it grew for 32.5 years. No wonder I feel lost so often... someone wandering in a wasteland...

So, it's not just the sudden loss of being a caregiver, but of being a wife. But where then is my identity? Hmm? Is it not in Christ and Him alone? Did I lose myself in being a wife, a caregiver? Failing to realize what was happening, not recognizing that only in Christ is true worth found... because of what our society has done with romance, making it the end all of who we are.

Yesterday I was watching a TV show online from the 1960s and the song, "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" was playing.  Wow... Really? Maybe we don't feel like somebody until we know we are loved, and I'm not talking romantically... 

So then, the grief is not just of missing Phil, it has been in missing the role I had of being his wife, and missing having a husband, someone who loved me like no one else has loved me. 

When the Facebook memories come up from Phil, I am reminded what a love he had for me... 

But

While his love isn't here anymore in a physical sense, I can remember and be blessed... 

However

There is a love that will never leave me... because God promised in His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. His love is as ongoing, and then some, as the oceans's tides. 

Wondering

Today it's two years since my husband went home to Jesus. My daughter and I miss him every day. I woke up during the night, thinking of him. I dreamed about him. And I wondered... 

Dear Phil,

How can it be two years already since you left to go to heaven, and have God receive you there? I watched The Christmas Shoes the other night and I also read the book recently and that's what the mom who is dying tells her little boy when he asks why God is taking her to heaven. She tells him it's not so much that He's taking her, but receiving her into heaven. I like that thought. God received you. He said it was time for you to come home and He lovingly received you in to His arms. 

What's it like? I can only imagine. I have wondered  what you're doing. It's like when Rebekah used to go away to camps and I would wonder what she was doing, or the times you went on retreats, or the one time you went on a 'business' trip because you were being trained to be manager of the store you were working at... 

Are you singing with the angels and all of those who have gone on before? Are you worshiping God continually? Do you go on long walks with Jesus and have amazing conversations? Do you talk with your mom, dad, and sister, and remember times on earth? Have you talked with people of the Bible whose names I know and stories I've read? What are you seeing? Are you still in awe that you can see so clearly again? I bet it's a thousand times more beautiful than anything you ever saw on earth. There's so much beauty here, I can only imagine how much more beauty there is in heaven. I'm thankful God gives us beauty here, a glimpse of what's to come. 

If I could sit down and have a talk with you what would we talk about? Would I tell you what it's been like these last two years or would I just want to be held in your arms again, looking into your eyes? Looks between us the only words we need. I wouldn't wish you back, even if I could. You're with Jesus and the pain of already 'losing' you has been so great, I wouldn't want to go through that again. 

Your last day on earth, I sat by your side as you lay in the hospital bed, holding your hand. If I let go even for a second, it was like a magnet drew me to take hold of your hand again. We loved holding hands, so it was only natural for me to do so. Wherever we were walking, putting my hand in yours was a love gift between us. Every once in a while one of us giving three squeezes, to say I love you, and the other giving three squeezes back. 

When you slipped quietly, peacefully, in your sleep from this life to your new life in heaven with Jesus, I knew you were gone, and even though I knew it was coming, it hurt. It's the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. As I remember now, I have tears coming to my eyes.

Our marriage was a gift from God, you were a gift from God. When I look back over the years and see how God brought us through so much, I am grateful. The early years were tough, and we had our share of spats over the years, but God taught us to communicate and to share our feelings. All the years of health problems for you were hard, but in those times God was with us, ever growing our faith, and it is why I've been able to make it through these last two years. God has been with me, strengthening me, encouraging my heart, and giving me the will to go on. And I know, without a doubt, that He will keep on helping me. He uses words you wrote on Facebook (they come up in my FB memories) while you were sick with  brain cancer, and losing your vision, to encourage my heart. 

Until we meet again,
Jewel