Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! May you know the amazing faithfulness of God's love and care for you. Do you know what a wonderful God He is? He brings beauty out of ashes and joy out of sorrow! He *is* Emmanuel, God with us!  Think. Of. That. "....and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!

Is Christ Enough?

Is Christ enough?
I'm reading a pamphlet by Joni Eareckson Tada called A Thankful Heart in a World of Hurt, and as I was reading it, this song came to mind. This pamphlet is challenging my heart and my thinking in a huge way. One passage of scripture that she quotes really jumped out at me. 2 Corinthians 6:10 (it's the middle of a sentence) "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything" Wow. I want to be able to say that Christ is enough for me. I want to be able to offer a sacrifice of thanks when my world seems to be crashing down around me. Psalm 50:23 is another passage she mentions... "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."

Time Has Flown

My life changed forever almost a year ago. As the date of my husband's passing from this life into the arms of Jesus and as Christmas fast approaches I find myself wondering how this year could have flown by so fast. The years do fly quickly by and have for a long time and quite frankly, I wanted this year to be over with and now that it almost is I'm left scratching my head so to speak....

Looking back I'm amazed at what God has done. How near He has been to me, His brokenhearted child, bringing comfort as only He can. I have felt and acted in ways foreign to me, and yet when under pressure a teapot boils... So as I was under the pressure of grief, I often boiled over... It was just too much for me at times. What I learned via biblical counseling was that in my reaction to my feelings I was Mt. Vevusias and I wasn't trusting God. I wanted to be in control. God wants me trust Him. To trust His sovereignty, His absolute control over all things, including bringing trials and adversity into my life, for my good and His glory. The good, which also brings Him glory,  is my becoming more like Christ.

My husband is with Jesus! He is face to face with the Savior of the Universe! The Savior who came into the world as a baby, the most fragile of human forms, growing to be a man so you and I could have forgiveness of our sins and one day be in eternity with Him forever.

John 3:16-18
“For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."

My prayer for you is that you might know Jesus who loves you so much. And Who really is close to the brokenhearted as is promised in His Word.

Life Goes On

As I turned the calendar to November several days ago, tears filled my eyes and I felt an ache in my chest... I have always loved the holidays and I am, in some ways, still looking forward to them, especially since my parents and I are going to travel to be with my daughter and her boyfriend for Christmas this year. It's all bittersweet.

I'm still here... Still living, learning to be a widow and live alone. And in learning to live alone, I'm learning that I'm not alone. God is very near. Psalm 34:18 says

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

and I know this well...

I actually started writing this on the first, but then saved it as a draft and I'm just now getting back to it... November 7th already.

Alone but not alone, it's true, however I do get very lonely, mostly for Phil, I think. I miss having him here to talk with, to be with even if we weren't talking, we just enjoyed each other's company.

I wouldn't have chosen this journey, not in a million years, but I trust that,  God in His sovereignty,  chose it for me. In Psalm 139 it says God had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be. And this has a purpose - my good and His glory. Period. The good is being conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). And that brings God glory.

I am learning so much on this journey. God led me to the biblical counselor who is just right for me. He is using her to guide me through biblical truths; opening scripture up to me in ways I've never seen before.

One thing in particular is the passage in Philippians that is so often quoted. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here it is in context...

Philippians 4:11-13The Voice (VOICE)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. 12 I know how to survive in tight situations, and I know how to enjoy having plenty. In fact, I have learned how to face any circumstances: fed or hungry, with or without. 13 I can be content in any and every situation through the Anointed One who is my power and strength.

With or without... Learning to be content. Paul had to learn contentment and so do I, and that only comes through Jesus Christ who is my power and strength. Content in any situation because Christ is with me AND as I said earlier, He had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be, so I can  trust Him each day. Completely.

Is it always easy? No, but the times of despair are shorter as I learn to draw near to Jesus, as He draws me to Himself in His gentle way. 

I still cry with grief, but Jesus lovingly wipes my tears and comforts me with His love. 

Life....

Life can be really hard at times. Downright painful. If you're like me, you may wonder at times, if you're going to make it. I have wondered that so many times in the last nine months especially, since my husband passed away in January. The pain of 'losing' the man I was married to for more than 32.5 years has been excruciating at times.

But, who gives us life? God does and according to Psalm 139:16 every day of our lives was planned out before one of them came to be! Nothing that happens in our lives takes God by surprise. 

Recently in my Facebook memories some things came up that my husband wrote. He lived his last days with brain cancer and failed eyesight. And yet, look at these words:

Life sometimes, like a broken rope, can leave you stunned when your perceived plans (trajectory?) are suddenly redirected... when you thought you were zooming along on your life course, it suddenly becomes a wild

trajectory.

You thought your middle name was invincible, until the doctor says

cancer.

If life's determined outlook were solely up to my strength, I would die of fear.

But... I know The One who has power to calm raging seas, and calm  raging fears.

In really rough cases, He even gives shoulder rides.

I'm hangin' on...

+++

And these from another memory that came up this week:

Ah, the days of youth! I'm finding it incredibly amazing how the Lord has been recently recalling past life snapshots, and being THE voice, behind the narration. 

Unlike the weak ~man~ behind the voice of the impotent 'wizard'  in the Wizard of Oz, Almighty God is POWER, no one 'speaks' a voice-over for Him!

In this journey, I've had interesting things happen with my hearing.

My spiritual hearing.

during this voyage I've been on, the Lord has sometimes rerun old memories, with an added track, and I'm amazed when He plays it when needed.

Sometimes at the greatest times!

I've had this new playback track kick in, right when I really needed it. Very often, the new track is an encounter with someone I haven't seen for awhile, and it's so great when they ask THE question "so...  howya doin?", and I pull off my cap, showing my  chrome dome, and they about faint, and we (Pamela & I) have the opportunity to share & encourage!

It's a melody of joy indescribable.

Sometimes it'll be in a wonderful place in my day, when the melody is so exuberant that I'm brought to tears of praiseful joy!

Sometimes...  it's in the middle of very frightening cancer doctor appointments, and I'm reminded again

fear can't survive in the presence of the Lord. Trust kills fear. I may need that inoculation  20 times in a day, but The Doctor is always in. No waiting.

One thing I've been blessed to realize is that none of my fears or hardships ever surprised Him.

"Oh my! I didn't know THAT was going to happen! " is not in my Lord's vocabulary.

+++

He hung on to Jesus because he KNEW Jesus was hanging on to him! And his words encourage me now to keep on, with Jesus, fixing my eyes on Him as I throw off the weight and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2). And I can only DO any of that with the help of the Holy Spirit.

This photo is at Chapel of the Roses where Phil's niche is... It's a beautiful place, BUT he's not there... He's in heaven singing praises to His Savior and King, his Creator... Free from cancer, and all the burdens of this life. And he is SEEING.

We have burdens, but please, remember with me, that we are not alone.

We have Someone Who wants to carry our burdens and is with us *every step of the way* on this journey called life, that God planned out for us long ago.

God Shines His Light

I took this picture (with my camera) a few days ago and I have it as wallpaper on my phone. I had gone for a walk and went into the courtyard of the building where my husband used to get his MRIs. I need to make an appointment there myself for a routine procedure but have been putting it off because it's one medical place I haven't been yet since he passed away. So for me going to the courtyard was a first step... What I want to share about this photo is how I have been thinking of it as I look at it... The way the light is hitting the back of the rose and how it's uneven light. And yet the whole rose can be seen because of the light. God shines His light on our lives and He wants to reach to the deepest recesses of who we are and reveal all that needs to be cleansed and stripped away and in doing so He will shine, and His beauty in our lives is what will come forth. Because everything in our lives is under His ultimate control and it's all for our good and His glory, from the lowest, darkest valley, to the highest mountain top. Through it all He is  there.  Leading. Guiding. Loving. Directing. His compassionate heart is for us. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what we are going through we have His promise to be with us through it all for He will never leave us or forsake us.
(Psalm 23; Lamentations 3:22-23; Deuteronomy 31:6)

This & That (Ways God is Working)

I haven't posted in quite a while. I had a 'Post-It note' pinned to my status bar of things that I wanted to write about. And so today I decided was the time to do that.

Hopefully this post won't get to lengthy. The first thing I want to talk about is what happened to me a week ago today, last Sunday night. So technically it was actually early Monday morning because it happened during the middle of the night. Ever since I was a little girl I have been terrified of thunderstorms. I knew that there was a possibility of some coming to our area but the chance of that happening had diminished so I went to bed with a peaceful heart. Well, during the night I was woken by the sound of thunder. I must have been sleeping pretty deeply because I was disoriented when I woke up. My thought was, is there a window in this room? And then I remembered that yes there was and where it was. I then fell back asleep, with absolutely no fear! That is huge because in the past I would have been quite fearful. And I would have been going immediately into my husband's arms, but still having fear about the storm. I know without a doubt that last Sunday night God was totally with me and taking away my fear. I woke up again later to the sound of thunder again, which was a much louder rumbling than the first time, but then, I again fell back asleep. I give God all the praise and glory for what He did for me.

Secondly, when I first became a widow someone sent me a link for an article written by Elisabeth Elliot on the gift of widowhood. I never read it, because I did not think at that time of widowhood as being a gift. A few months later someone mentioned that article again, and along with another woman or two, I said no, widowhood is not a gift. I just didn't see how I would ever see my being a widow as a gift... Well, because of what God is doing in my heart and how I have become much closer to Him than ever before in my life, and how I am learning to let go of the anger of grief and knowing that He holds me in my grief, I am now beginning to see widowhood as a gift. This is really huge, but I know that God is with me and that everything He does in my life is for my good and for His glory because of His sovereignty.

The third thing is that last Sunday morning, which was of course before the thunderstorm, so maybe I should have written about that first, but oh well... anyway what happened Sunday morning is that I went to church knowing that my mom and dad and my brother wouldn't be there, without hardly any anxiety at all. Since my husband's death I have experienced anxiety like I have never had before in my life. It got to the point where I had to be put on anti-anxiety meds because of it. But now because I am receiving biblical counseling and memorizing scripture and more in the Word than I have been in a long time, I know that it is these things that are helping way more than any medication ever could. When I got to church none of my family was there and I sat in a row by myself. After the worship time the lady who had been playing the keyboard came and sat next to me. That really blessed me. But the hugest thing was the fact that I know God enabled me to go to church knowing that my parents and brother wouldn't be there. I had almost decided not to go but God pushed me out the door even when I was so tired, He helped me to get ready and go. And I ended up being extremely blessed.