Grief Unfiltered

This morning as I took my warmed mug of coffee out of the microwave, a pesky bug was flying right around the cup. It triggered anger. Grief anger. I almost threw that cup of coffee on the floor. But knew it would be an even bigger mess to clean up than I already had from jostling the cup,  trying to get rid of that pesky bug. I poured the coffee into another mug and cleaned up the mess on the floor, while yelling and swearing at God. I wanted to know why (again) He had to take my husband.

Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)

Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several  months ago)  and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.

You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.

After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!

Then I continued writing:

Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
         of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.

Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered  waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day  and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.

When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.

~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...

Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."  Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.

Tangled Sheets, Tears and an 'Empty' Fridge

I didn't used to get tangled up in the sheets. I do now. Being by myself in our queen-sized bed, means I basically sleep in the middle. And the sheets get wrapped around me, all tangled up. That may seem silly but it's a painful thing to my heart. Not always, but sometimes.

I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly)  grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away." 

The fridge is 'empty'. It's strange to open it and see it so 'bare'. I have adequate food for me, but getting used to less, that hurts too. 

So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning... 

Lamentations 3:21-26

Yet this I call to mind

 and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning  great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Missing My Husband

Really missing Phil. I miss his presence, miss talking with him, miss his wit, miss holding his hand, miss going to bed with him and waking up with him, miss him telling me multiple times a day that he loves me, miss his hug amd kisses, miss him telling me he's praying for me, or asking me what he can pray for me about... I. Miss. My. Husband. 

I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately. 

New Living Translation (NLT)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through... 

Our Anniversary...

I shared this on Facebook but wanted to share it here too...

In an earlier post I said I was going to share memories of our wedding 💒 day... I'm just gonna share (meaning I'm just gonna start writing and see what happens). I have no idea how long this will be... Thirty-three years ago tomorrow, June 23, Philip John Kliewer and Pamela Joy Pauls were united in holy matrimony. We were 23, a couple of young kids. We wrote our own vows and had some traditional ones too. We talked to each other during the music... We gazed with love into each others eyes and we committed to love, honor and cherish each other until death parted us... Little knowing 32.5 years later it would be death that parted us. We can say what Phil died from, but in all honesty God chose the day Phil would go home to heaven. Job 14:5 says "You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer."

Phil and I walked down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife and introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Philip John Kliewer to a worship song we had the congregation sing. The words are: I will arise and go forth
In the name of the Lord of hosts,
For He has conquered every foe
By His name, by His name.
I will declare He is the Lord.
And in Him I am not afraid,
I will arise and go forth in His name.

God made us one flesh, so we wanted to honor Him from that first day as central in our marriage.

The first year or two was rough; we had many fights and lots of tears. We had to *learn* how to be married. We were friends before our courtship and I think that was in our favor. We learned how to work through our difficulties and personality differences. Several years down the road Phil even initiated counseling for us when we were at an impasse over some issues. That he initiated it spoke volumes to me of how much he loved me.

Phil faced many health challenges during the course of our marriage due to diabetes (type 1 - he was diagnosed at 18). God used those times to strengthen Phil and our marriage and to further solidify our union.

We were blessed with one child, our daughter, Rebekah, a little less than two years after we married. Phil loved having a daughter and as she grew his delight in her grew. He let her put clips and barrettes in his hair and loved every minute of it. They shared a love of fishing together in his folks' pond and in later years, hiking and enjoying photography together.

Phil loved me completely and learned my love language ~ gifts. He would leave me notes to find or bring something home from work. After he was declared legally blind and his Dr told him to quit driving he would walk across the street sometimes, on his lunch break, to buy flowers at Albertson's and present them to me when I picked him up from work.

Over the years we shared many wonderful conversations, went on a get away at least once a year (usually on our anniversary), shared our joys and sorrows, hopes and dreams.

It was almost 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with primary cns lymphoma (brain cancer). I watched his fear melt away over time as he *chose* to put his faith in Jesus and lean on Him. As he gradually lost his vision, his trust in God grew stronger. He was standing on the Rock and sometimes when a song would come on the radio I would look over and see his hands raised to God, tears streaming down his face, as a smile of joy was on his lips. The last several months he often said "God is my ROCK." And he meant it.

Being his wife was a delight and made the challenge of being his caregiver a bit easier. The last 4-5 months grew increasingly difficult as his body just gave out... But, every. single. day. I knew he was praying for me. He would ask me what he could pray for or tell me he was praying for me. And his grateful heart... Wow. He thanked me for everything...putting eyedrops in, bringing him water, food, helping guide him through the house, going for walks (when he was still able). He had in home health care and he was the same way with the nurses. Anyone who did anything for him was met with a heartfelt thank you.

The picture was taken sometime last year, when he was still able to get out... It's one of my favorites.

I shall miss Phil every day for the rest of my life, I'm sure, but as we always said when we talked on the phone (this started during our dating years), "Hello", meaning I'll see you later... This isn't goodbye because we both have our hope in Jesus Christ. And we believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and no man comes to the Father except through Him... Jesus shed His blood so we could be free from sin and bondage and spend eternity with Him. So, hello, honey. I love you. Happy Anniversary. ❣️

Random (?) Thoughts (long)

When I am reading nonfiction books, it is rare for me to read straight through in a matter of days, weeks, or months. I pick them up here and there and read a bit and journal/chew on it. So, I may have several nonfiction books going at once. One particular book I'm considering reading a bit in, each day now, is, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I picked it up again the other day (hadn't read in it since April) and it triggered a thought on my grief that blew me away.

The book is basically on giving thanks. And what I read was that we have to practice because giving thanks is something we have to learn. She says, "This is why I had never really learned the language of 'thanks in all things'! Though pastors preached it, I still came home and griped on. I had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation...

"This training might prove to be the hardest of my life. It just might save my life."

What I wrote by that is, Training...unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground...

Why did I write that? Because it made me think of my husband's death as being a means of a time of learning and growing for me. The verse is John 12:24 (VOICE) "I tell you the truth: unless a grain of wheat is planted in the ground and dies, it remains a solitary seed. But when it is planted, it produces in death a great harvest." I realize I am taking the verse out of context, however the thought I had the next day after reading the passage in the book again, was this (from my journal), Will I be able to/can I say now that this is the most challenging yet most rewarding experience of my life?! Something to ponder... Why does that feel like a betrayal? It shouldn't, because Phil is in heaven - in glory - face to face with Jesus.

And - rewarding - because my reward is Jesus. Like a friend said the other day,  we fix our eyes on the prize - and the prize is Jesus. (end journal entry)

Because of Phil's death - which still causes me much pain, especially this month and this week as our anniversary draws nearer (Friday June 23) - I am leaning harder on Jesus than I ever have in my life. I woke up early yesterday morning from a bad dream in which I was being threatened and in my dream I was calling Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! And then I woke up, heart pounding... And I said Jesus. Yes, I wished Phil was next to me in bed to turn to and hold me. He wasn't. I kept calling the name of Jesus and His peace settled over me and the fear left.  So, I wrote in my journal yesterday morning: Early this morning after having a bad dream and wishing just a bit Phil was here to hold me... I was reflecting on the fact that he did not complete me - that's simply not true - he wasn't my other half. Yes, we two became one we became "us".  But  it wasn't two halves becoming one it was two complete individuals becoming one. We were individuals when God created and brought us together as one. So, now that he is gone I am no less complete than I was before we married. In this whole thinking process, I realize I will still have grief - I will still shed tears, maybe get angry and have regrets - BUT  this seems to have been a paradigm shift for me and I know God will use this time as a refining fire -  it may (probably will) hurt terribly at times, but this will end in bringing glory to Him and honoring Him . It will bring me closer to Him  who loved me first.

Five Months Today and...

It's been five months today since my beloved left for his eternal home. I want to say he left me, but he didn't because he never would have done that.

It's also 20 days until our 33rd anniversary.

My heart feels shattered all over again today. I have gotten angry - very angry. To me it's the worst part of grief. It leaves me shaking and drained. My heart doesn't like being this angry...or calling myself names... Part of the anger is from wanting Phil here to help me with certain things, that doing on my own make me feel dumb... Or wishing he was here because I see other couples I know enjoying their 'coupleness' and I want to say it's not fair! And I did, out loud, to God. Would I wish this terrible grief on them though? Absolutely not.

I just remembered something I read yesterday... From the book Song of the Silent Harp by BJ Hoff...

Two different passages in the same scene just a few paragraphs apart:

"I have come to believe that God’s ways were never meant to be entirely understood. Perhaps the fact that I cannot perceive the reasons for His doing what He does or does not do only serves to point out that I am human, and He divine.”


“Ah, lad, don’t make the mistake of expecting life to have the qualities of God. Learn now, while you’re young, not to compare the two, or it may well drive you mad one day. Life is life, and God is God, and it’s nothing but folly to confuse the two. Life will never be fair, Daniel John, but we must believe that God is never less than fair. That is the truth, even though it’s often a hard truth to cling to, especially in times like these.”

Something else I read yesterday that helped me was from the devotional Through a Season of Grief (you can actually sign up for them to get in a daily email at griefshare.org). Here's what I read:

Healing

"Just give it time," people say. That is misleading. Time alone will not heal your grief. 

"I knew about the process and steps of grief recovery. But still, it felt like the weight of grief on my shoulders would never be lifted," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "It's okay to feel that way. But know it won't last forever.

"Your feelings at this point aren't the crucial issue. What is important is that you choose to stay close to the Lord and not turn away from Him. If you walk with God as He walks with you, one day you will wake up and say,  'It's  a little bit better.'"

God is the source of all healing. Make the decision to remain close to Him despite your emotional struggles.

"I am the LORD who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).

Jehovah Rapha, healing God, you are my healer, and I choose to walk with You. Amen.

~~~

So, yes, I get angry like I did this morning, but if I keep turning to God because I KNOW He is walking with me, all the time and all the way through this journey regardless of my actions, I will continue to move forward in this seemingly snail pace of a journey...because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He Who promised is faithful! 

Heart Hurts and Pinpricks of Light

Yesterday was May 23, not that significant of a date, really, but it is to me. Every 23rd day of the month Phil and I would say Happy Anniversary to each other because we got married on the 23rd of June, 1984, so each month when that day rolled around, it was a celebration even if we only said Happy Anniversary,  it  was packed with love and meaning for us. The first year we had a slice of our wedding cake each month which we kept in the freezer. I don't remember if we made it the whole year as it may have gotten stale.

Yesterday was hard because it began the countdown of one month until our anniversary and it brought to mind the preparations we were making for our wedding day and our life together... Ordering flowers, the cake, final tux ordering and bridesmaids dresses being made... Getting our wedding rings (I wore Phil's on a chain around my neck until the big day). Phil moved into our apartment and we began making it our home.

So there were lots of tears yesterday and I know there will be many more. In fact, I've cried already this morning because I thought I heard him call me and it woke me up, "Sweetie... Sweetie... The tears, they flowed, knowing he wasn't calling me because he's not here...

One of Phil's favorite passages in the Bible was where Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are ordered to bow down to the king or be thrown in the fiery furnace. And they said that they KNEW their God was able to deliver them but even if He didn't they would not bow. So, they were thrown in. And who was with them in that fierce, blazing heat? Jesus. So, Phil liked that story because he KNEW God was with him in every fiery trial and he would not bow to defeat. Therein lies my pinprick of light. Yes, tears are shed and my heart HURTS. Sometimes it feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces or that I'm drowning in sorrow... But GOD. He is with me in this fiery trial and even when my faith is weak, He is faithful. He. Is. Faithful.