Life....

Life can be really hard at times. Downright painful. If you're like me, you may wonder at times, if you're going to make it. I have wondered that so many times in the last nine months especially, since my husband passed away in January. The pain of 'losing' the man I was married to for more than 32.5 years has been excruciating at times.

But, who gives us life? God does and according to Psalm 139:16 every day of our lives was planned out before one of them came to be! Nothing that happens in our lives takes God by surprise. 

Recently in my Facebook memories some things came up that my husband wrote. He lived his last days with brain cancer and failed eyesight. And yet, look at these words:

Life sometimes, like a broken rope, can leave you stunned when your perceived plans (trajectory?) are suddenly redirected... when you thought you were zooming along on your life course, it suddenly becomes a wild

trajectory.

You thought your middle name was invincible, until the doctor says

cancer.

If life's determined outlook were solely up to my strength, I would die of fear.

But... I know The One who has power to calm raging seas, and calm  raging fears.

In really rough cases, He even gives shoulder rides.

I'm hangin' on...

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And these from another memory that came up this week:

Ah, the days of youth! I'm finding it incredibly amazing how the Lord has been recently recalling past life snapshots, and being THE voice, behind the narration. 

Unlike the weak ~man~ behind the voice of the impotent 'wizard'  in the Wizard of Oz, Almighty God is POWER, no one 'speaks' a voice-over for Him!

In this journey, I've had interesting things happen with my hearing.

My spiritual hearing.

during this voyage I've been on, the Lord has sometimes rerun old memories, with an added track, and I'm amazed when He plays it when needed.

Sometimes at the greatest times!

I've had this new playback track kick in, right when I really needed it. Very often, the new track is an encounter with someone I haven't seen for awhile, and it's so great when they ask THE question "so...  howya doin?", and I pull off my cap, showing my  chrome dome, and they about faint, and we (Pamela & I) have the opportunity to share & encourage!

It's a melody of joy indescribable.

Sometimes it'll be in a wonderful place in my day, when the melody is so exuberant that I'm brought to tears of praiseful joy!

Sometimes...  it's in the middle of very frightening cancer doctor appointments, and I'm reminded again

fear can't survive in the presence of the Lord. Trust kills fear. I may need that inoculation  20 times in a day, but The Doctor is always in. No waiting.

One thing I've been blessed to realize is that none of my fears or hardships ever surprised Him.

"Oh my! I didn't know THAT was going to happen! " is not in my Lord's vocabulary.

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He hung on to Jesus because he KNEW Jesus was hanging on to him! And his words encourage me now to keep on, with Jesus, fixing my eyes on Him as I throw off the weight and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2). And I can only DO any of that with the help of the Holy Spirit.

This photo is at Chapel of the Roses where Phil's niche is... It's a beautiful place, BUT he's not there... He's in heaven singing praises to His Savior and King, his Creator... Free from cancer, and all the burdens of this life. And he is SEEING.

We have burdens, but please, remember with me, that we are not alone.

We have Someone Who wants to carry our burdens and is with us *every step of the way* on this journey called life, that God planned out for us long ago.

God Shines His Light

I took this picture (with my camera) a few days ago and I have it as wallpaper on my phone. I had gone for a walk and went into the courtyard of the building where my husband used to get his MRIs. I need to make an appointment there myself for a routine procedure but have been putting it off because it's one medical place I haven't been yet since he passed away. So for me going to the courtyard was a first step... What I want to share about this photo is how I have been thinking of it as I look at it... The way the light is hitting the back of the rose and how it's uneven light. And yet the whole rose can be seen because of the light. God shines His light on our lives and He wants to reach to the deepest recesses of who we are and reveal all that needs to be cleansed and stripped away and in doing so He will shine, and His beauty in our lives is what will come forth. Because everything in our lives is under His ultimate control and it's all for our good and His glory, from the lowest, darkest valley, to the highest mountain top. Through it all He is  there.  Leading. Guiding. Loving. Directing. His compassionate heart is for us. His mercies are new every morning. No matter what we are going through we have His promise to be with us through it all for He will never leave us or forsake us.
(Psalm 23; Lamentations 3:22-23; Deuteronomy 31:6)

This & That (Ways God is Working)

I haven't posted in quite a while. I had a 'Post-It note' pinned to my status bar of things that I wanted to write about. And so today I decided was the time to do that.

Hopefully this post won't get to lengthy. The first thing I want to talk about is what happened to me a week ago today, last Sunday night. So technically it was actually early Monday morning because it happened during the middle of the night. Ever since I was a little girl I have been terrified of thunderstorms. I knew that there was a possibility of some coming to our area but the chance of that happening had diminished so I went to bed with a peaceful heart. Well, during the night I was woken by the sound of thunder. I must have been sleeping pretty deeply because I was disoriented when I woke up. My thought was, is there a window in this room? And then I remembered that yes there was and where it was. I then fell back asleep, with absolutely no fear! That is huge because in the past I would have been quite fearful. And I would have been going immediately into my husband's arms, but still having fear about the storm. I know without a doubt that last Sunday night God was totally with me and taking away my fear. I woke up again later to the sound of thunder again, which was a much louder rumbling than the first time, but then, I again fell back asleep. I give God all the praise and glory for what He did for me.

Secondly, when I first became a widow someone sent me a link for an article written by Elisabeth Elliot on the gift of widowhood. I never read it, because I did not think at that time of widowhood as being a gift. A few months later someone mentioned that article again, and along with another woman or two, I said no, widowhood is not a gift. I just didn't see how I would ever see my being a widow as a gift... Well, because of what God is doing in my heart and how I have become much closer to Him than ever before in my life, and how I am learning to let go of the anger of grief and knowing that He holds me in my grief, I am now beginning to see widowhood as a gift. This is really huge, but I know that God is with me and that everything He does in my life is for my good and for His glory because of His sovereignty.

The third thing is that last Sunday morning, which was of course before the thunderstorm, so maybe I should have written about that first, but oh well... anyway what happened Sunday morning is that I went to church knowing that my mom and dad and my brother wouldn't be there, without hardly any anxiety at all. Since my husband's death I have experienced anxiety like I have never had before in my life. It got to the point where I had to be put on anti-anxiety meds because of it. But now because I am receiving biblical counseling and memorizing scripture and more in the Word than I have been in a long time, I know that it is these things that are helping way more than any medication ever could. When I got to church none of my family was there and I sat in a row by myself. After the worship time the lady who had been playing the keyboard came and sat next to me. That really blessed me. But the hugest thing was the fact that I know God enabled me to go to church knowing that my parents and brother wouldn't be there. I had almost decided not to go but God pushed me out the door even when I was so tired, He helped me to get ready and go. And I ended up being extremely blessed.

God is Amazing, Awesome, Wonderful, Worthy to be Praised!

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted. Almost a month... Right now I just heard an acorn hit the roof and roll down. Phil and I both loved that... A silly thing, but it was ours to share. I miss sharing it with him. I miss him. But. I'm not a victim. I'm victorious because of Christ in me. We are more than  conquerors through Him who loves us (Romans 8:37).

I hope this post doesn't get too long as I have a few different things on my heart.

One 

Last week Thursday I went to the Walmart Vision Center to pick up my new glasses. The young man who helped me used to work in the photo department with my husband. He told me that to this day Phil is his hero. He told me today that Phil helped him learn how to treat people with kindness no matter their attitude and to not let them ruin his day. He also said he helped him to be a better husband and father...

I told him it was God in him... It still made-up me so proud... A gift...his words were/are a gift...     I was able to speak to him of God's love for him and how He helps us and he said "oh I know." I mentioned Christ dying on the cross. He assured me when  I asked him, that yes he does know Jesus as his Savior and he doesn't know how people make it without God. He said, "Phil always said, God is my Rock, I say, God has my back."

Two 

The first part of yesterday was hard for me, but when I laid down for a second nap and was crying so much over what happened last year at this time (Phil starting to get worse) God spoke so profoundly to my heart. He told me that was then and I'm living NOW and I don't need to live in the past. What happened, happened... Sure I still miss him, a lot, and there will still be tears, but God is with me and I can trust that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He's doing now. I know without a doubt He's using the counseling and memorizing scripture and the book (Trusting God by Jerry Bridges) I'm reading to change me... 

One paragraph in particular has really helped me. " I will say this next statement as gently and compassionately as I know how. Our first priority in times of adversity is to honor and glorify God by trusting him. We tend to make our first priority the gaining of relief from our feelings of heartache or disappointment or frustration. This is a natural desire, and God has promised to give us grace sufficient for our trials and peace for our anxieties (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; Philippians 4:6-7). But just as God's will is to take precedence over our will (in Matthew 26:39 Jesus himself said, "Yet not as I will but as you will"), so God's honor is to take precedence over our feelings. We honor God by choosing to trust Him when we don't understand what He is doing or why he has allowed some adverse circumstance to occur. As we seek God's glory, we may be sure that He has purposed our good and that He will not be frustrated in fulfilling that purpose."

Something I saw on Instagram yesterday really spoke to my heart in a HUGE way that goes along with the paragraph above (I love how when God wants to teach us something He will often bring a point home in different ways). It was "To heal a wound you need to stop touching it." These words by Shelley Giglio were with that post:
"When we talk more about the wound than we do about the Healer, we minimize the power of God. By His stripes, [His wounds] WE ARE HEALED. Amen."

I'm knowing God's peace and joy in a greater way than I have in a long time. And I know that God is using Phil's death for my good and His glory, because it is what He has promised to do. (The attached picture reflects how I feel now... The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). He is my peace. His work in me is going to be completed. Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.) 

Three
This Saturday September 16 is twenty years since God allowed me to give my beloved husband one of my kidneys. I asked my daughter a couple of months ago ago if she could come because I felt (as any anniversary that comes) it would be a sad time. She can't come until Monday or Tuesday but I told her that was OK. I was trying to decide how I'm going to make it through the day... But after what God did in my heart yesterday, I decided I want to CELEBRATE. Even though Phil is now in heaven, the fact remains that the kidney transplant gave us 19 more years together and my daughter had her daddy for 19 more years! That is something to celebrate! 

Pain...

Pain can drip down my cheeks - or flow - at the simplest of things, such as shaking a bottle of eye drops and administering them to my eyes. Every set of eye drops I put in for Phil brought a thank you from his lips. He had the most grateful heart.

I am reminded too, of his gentleness, especially when we were having a disagreement. He would remain gentle in his tone of voice.

The memory comes of standing underneath the hallway light so he could see me. His hand goes to my face... "You're so beautiful." 😢

He loved me so completely, so well. Through all my quirks and obstinate ways he loved me. I miss him so much. He kept his vow so well and so faithfully... My dear, sweet husband...

Don't Usually Post Twice in One Day...

... But...

Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more  tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:

Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015

Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!

Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015

.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."

After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.

We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!

Memories

I asked God for happy memories this morning as grief came crashing down on me - one of those grief aftershocks I read about. I had gone back to bed, not ready to face the day yet, tears flowing, sobs racking my body, as I cried out to God...   A memory came. I smiled. I wanted to turn to Phil and say "remember when...?" But he's not here. He can no longer share memories with me. God was there for each moment of our marriage, so I need to learn to share the memories with Him... This grief life is a journey, a process of learning...

I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2 (ESV) 

When I woke up about an hour later,  I saw a vision of a path with rocks here and there. I couldn't see what was ahead, but I've always loved path pictures because I wonder what's ahead and I think of the path I'm on with God and know He's gone before. In my vision puddles appeared on the path and then it became a river. And I thought of the above verse - when I go through the rivers they will not overwhelm me, because... God. Is. There. The first part of the next verse (3) says: For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Put that all together... When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.