Don't Usually Post Twice in One Day...

... But...

Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more  tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:

Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015

Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
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A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!

Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015

.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."

After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.

We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!