Five Months Today and...

It's been five months today since my beloved left for his eternal home. I want to say he left me, but he didn't because he never would have done that.

It's also 20 days until our 33rd anniversary.

My heart feels shattered all over again today. I have gotten angry - very angry. To me it's the worst part of grief. It leaves me shaking and drained. My heart doesn't like being this angry...or calling myself names... Part of the anger is from wanting Phil here to help me with certain things, that doing on my own make me feel dumb... Or wishing he was here because I see other couples I know enjoying their 'coupleness' and I want to say it's not fair! And I did, out loud, to God. Would I wish this terrible grief on them though? Absolutely not.

I just remembered something I read yesterday... From the book Song of the Silent Harp by BJ Hoff...

Two different passages in the same scene just a few paragraphs apart:

"I have come to believe that God’s ways were never meant to be entirely understood. Perhaps the fact that I cannot perceive the reasons for His doing what He does or does not do only serves to point out that I am human, and He divine.”


“Ah, lad, don’t make the mistake of expecting life to have the qualities of God. Learn now, while you’re young, not to compare the two, or it may well drive you mad one day. Life is life, and God is God, and it’s nothing but folly to confuse the two. Life will never be fair, Daniel John, but we must believe that God is never less than fair. That is the truth, even though it’s often a hard truth to cling to, especially in times like these.”

Something else I read yesterday that helped me was from the devotional Through a Season of Grief (you can actually sign up for them to get in a daily email at griefshare.org). Here's what I read:

Healing

"Just give it time," people say. That is misleading. Time alone will not heal your grief. 

"I knew about the process and steps of grief recovery. But still, it felt like the weight of grief on my shoulders would never be lifted," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "It's okay to feel that way. But know it won't last forever.

"Your feelings at this point aren't the crucial issue. What is important is that you choose to stay close to the Lord and not turn away from Him. If you walk with God as He walks with you, one day you will wake up and say,  'It's  a little bit better.'"

God is the source of all healing. Make the decision to remain close to Him despite your emotional struggles.

"I am the LORD who heals you" (Exodus 15:26).

Jehovah Rapha, healing God, you are my healer, and I choose to walk with You. Amen.

~~~

So, yes, I get angry like I did this morning, but if I keep turning to God because I KNOW He is walking with me, all the time and all the way through this journey regardless of my actions, I will continue to move forward in this seemingly snail pace of a journey...because He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He Who promised is faithful!