The book is basically on giving thanks. And what I read was that we have to practice because giving thanks is something we have to learn. She says, "This is why I had never really learned the language of 'thanks in all things'! Though pastors preached it, I still came home and griped on. I had never practiced. Practiced until it became the second nature, the first skin. Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation...
"This training might prove to be the hardest of my life. It just might save my life."
What I wrote by that is, Training...unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground...
Why did I write that? Because it made me think of my husband's death as being a means of a time of learning and growing for me. The verse is John 12:24 (VOICE) "I tell you the truth: unless a grain of wheat is planted in the ground and dies, it remains a solitary seed. But when it is planted, it produces in death a great harvest." I realize I am taking the verse out of context, however the thought I had the next day after reading the passage in the book again, was this (from my journal), Will I be able to/can I say now that this is the most challenging yet most rewarding experience of my life?! Something to ponder... Why does that feel like a betrayal? It shouldn't, because Phil is in heaven - in glory - face to face with Jesus.
And - rewarding - because my reward is Jesus. Like a friend said the other day, we fix our eyes on the prize - and the prize is Jesus. (end journal entry)
Because of Phil's death - which still causes me much pain, especially this month and this week as our anniversary draws nearer (Friday June 23) - I am leaning harder on Jesus than I ever have in my life. I woke up early yesterday morning from a bad dream in which I was being threatened and in my dream I was calling Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! And then I woke up, heart pounding... And I said Jesus. Yes, I wished Phil was next to me in bed to turn to and hold me. He wasn't. I kept calling the name of Jesus and His peace settled over me and the fear left. So, I wrote in my journal yesterday morning: Early this morning after having a bad dream and wishing just a bit Phil was here to hold me... I was reflecting on the fact that he did not complete me - that's simply not true - he wasn't my other half. Yes, we two became one we became "us". But it wasn't two halves becoming one it was two complete individuals becoming one. We were individuals when God created and brought us together as one. So, now that he is gone I am no less complete than I was before we married. In this whole thinking process, I realize I will still have grief - I will still shed tears, maybe get angry and have regrets - BUT this seems to have been a paradigm shift for me and I know God will use this time as a refining fire - it may (probably will) hurt terribly at times, but this will end in bringing glory to Him and honoring Him . It will bring me closer to Him who loved me first.
No comments:
Post a Comment