Struggling with Acceptance

It will soon be five months since my husband passed away. My greatest struggle at this point is accepting that he is gone and will not be coming back. My heart aches so much of the time and there is always an underlying sadness. Phil isn't at the hospital soon to be home as I tried to tell myself a few months ago, but I do know where he is and for this I am eternally grateful. He is Home, Home with His Savior, who shed His blood for us so that we can be forever free from the weight of sin and have the Holy Spirit to comfort us in the midst of our darkest and deepest pain. Jesus promised to NEVER leave us or forsake us, and this promise is kept when we put our trust in Him by giving Him our lives as we then receive the Holy Spirit.

While I know the comfort of God, the struggle of accepting my new reality is very difficult and I have cried many tears. I had no idea I had so many... I miss Phil so very much...

I miss holding his hand which was as natural as breathing. Before he lost his sight and had to use a walker because of extreme weakness, taking his hand wherever we went was part of who we were.

I miss his smile, so full of fun and life.

I miss our private jokes.

The sound of his voice... Him telling me I'm beautiful, even as his vision got worse and worse and we found a spot in the house where the light was just right and he could see me...and he would gasp and say, "you're so beautiful."

I miss talking with him, the tender gentleness of his voice, calming me when I was frustrated, praying for me when I was scared.... He would often ask me throughout the day how he could pray for me or tell me that he was... And he would thank me for every little thing I did for him... He had the most grateful heart...

How do I accept that he is gone and not coming back? I don't know but I do know God is with me and will help me come to that acceptance... eventually...