Seems Harder Lately

I have wondered why grief seems so much harder lately. I realized in part,  it's because 33 years ago Phil and I were planning our June 23 wedding. I have been dreading our anniversary.

Also, March is when the birthdays start in our little family, with our daughter's at the beginning of March, mine toward the end of April and my husband's nine days after mine, in May (I was literally nine days older than him). Then, in June is our anniversary, so I've had all these 'firsts' with the biggest one looming before me...

Our last two anniversaries were already hard, because of Phil being sick, and especially last year because he was receiving treatment for primary CNS lymphoma (brain cancer). In September of 2015 was our last get away... It had been a couple years or more since we'd had one and we always tried to get away once a year. This one was a combination anniversary celebration and end of radiation treatment....

So, last night as tears flowed, I was remembering what we were doing 33 years ago.. . ordering flowers, the cake, premarital counseling, final fittings on my wedding dress, getting the tuxes and bridesmaids dresses figured out... All that goes into planning a wedding. Plus getting our first apartment... Phil moved into it a month before we got married.

And grief, it sat heavy on my shoulders, weighing me down... And it still does today...

I KNOW that I don't grieve without hope but at times this lonnnng journey, this dark night of the soul seems it will go on forever. I know it's only been four and a half months and I have a long road ahead of me... And I know God is with me and without His glimmers of light in this darkness my grief would be that much harder. I can't imagine this without Him and I know He is near when my face is wet with tears and/or anger gets the best of me...

Psalm 6:6-7a (NLT)
"I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief."

I haven't actually cried all night but there are times when I do just cry and cry... I'm reading a book by another widow on her grief journey and she had these two verses at the end of a section:

I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. PSALM 102:7

Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. JOHN 16:32

Knowing I'm not alone, that God is with me, helps, but there are times when the grief overwhelms me and I miss my husband so much and loneliness for him consumes me, especially now as I remember... And know what's coming up...

I am thankful that our daughter is coming at that time and for the plans we have...

Any prayers are appreciated. Thank you...