Grief Has No Manners

Grief Has No Manners

by Pamela Kliewer

May 16, 2017

Do I still have it in me? The ability to write? Everything has changed since the day my husband left his earthly body to go to his heavenly home. Tears are often my companion, as grief overwhelms me yet again, and there seems to be nothing that can be done to staunch their flow. Grief has no manners. It sneaks up from out of nowhere, its grip fierce and quick.

But really, it's all I can expect. The love of my life, my husband, my best friend, is gone forever from this life and to not grieve, to not cry rivers of tears would be to deny the love we shared for so many years. I find myself teary-eyed as I walk through Walmart, feeling aimless. Or tears will well up when I do something or the first time since he passed away... walking the boardwalk in Cambria by myself the other day tears pooled in my eyes, as I felt so alone, not having Phil beside me, but at the same time God was there and I felt peace and joy too. Having grief with peace and joy right beside it, is actually kind of strange, and yet, could I expect any less with God being by my side?

Sometimes I wonder how in the world I'm going to go on, and often times I don't want to go on. I just want to stay in bed all day and let the tears and the grief have their way. But I can't do that... there's something within me that causes that to go against my nature... while I do take a nap (sometimes 2) almost every day, I just can't stay in bed all day.

And the aimlessness I feel, that's just so foreign to me, but my job of caregiver, as well as my husband were ripped from me at the same time, yes, ripped, that's what it feels like, like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped away and I was left with a huge hole in my heart, in my life, with no knowledge whatsoever of what to do now.

I learned something the other day when I went to my first GriefShare meeting, and that is that sometimes people hide behind spirituality. I felt my eyes grow wide and my head nodding in agreement. It's true... people ask how are you... oh fine, God is carrying me... I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable with my grief... sometimes I tell them that it's hard but I'm making it... and truthfully, I am making it, but there are times, many times, I just want this grief to be over already.... to be through with the pain and the deep ache. To not have to shed any more tears, to not have anger overtake me to the point of being in a rage... it scares me. To be done with anxiety, and the inability, at times, to function or even make a simple decision....

On the other side of all these emotions that are so foreign to me, there is God... and while I don't always feel His presence I know He is here... because yes, He has promised to never leave me for forsake me and that He is a very present help in trouble... I cry out to Him and He's there, holding me, calming me... comforting me as only He can... I can expect it...