Pain can drip down my cheeks - or flow - at the simplest of things, such as shaking a bottle of eye drops and administering them to my eyes. Every set of eye drops I put in for Phil brought a thank you from his lips. He had the most grateful heart.
I am reminded too, of his gentleness, especially when we were having a disagreement. He would remain gentle in his tone of voice.
The memory comes of standing underneath the hallway light so he could see me. His hand goes to my face... "You're so beautiful." 😢
He loved me so completely, so well. Through all my quirks and obstinate ways he loved me. I miss him so much. He kept his vow so well and so faithfully... My dear, sweet husband...
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Don't Usually Post Twice in One Day...
... But...
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Today things are extra hard. I'm experiencing a lot of grief today. I was wondering if something had possibly happened in the past that was triggering this more than the obvious grief of his passing, specifically thinking of Phil's cancer treatments 2 years ago. So I went back to the CaringBridge site, which I'm glad is still there. I need to download it all so that I can close that and I hope that they don't all of a sudden do away with it before I get that done. Anyway I read two entries from around the same time two years ago and I want to share them with you here. They brought more tears but I was also blessed that in them, if only for a moment, I 'heard' Phil's voice again and remember the closeness that we shared. I miss him more than words can say, but I know that I'll be okay. Here are the entries that I read:
Words From Phil
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/6/2015
Phil has a CaringBridge account but can't remember his log in information and it's just easier to have him post from my account.
~~~~~~~
A song has recently come across my journey that rocked my heart & soul (in a good way), usually bringing me to tears. Your love ran red, by Chris Tomlin, has the capability to bring this boy to tears. Describe the tears? Even though it's next to impossible, I'll try. The best description j could say would be confidence, with moments of fear (being honest here). Evenings/nights are the hardest. Mr. Honest here. I know without a doubt who my redeemer is, and I'm without a doubt saved in My Lord Jesus' hands, Guess I need to stand in His strength, and stop answering the door when fear knocks. Back to the Your love ran red song, even if I may occasionally have fear, I KNOW whether I have a day or 40 years left to live on this earth, man, will I be alive on that day I'm called home!
Well....
Journal entry by Pamela Kliewer — 8/8/2015
.... this morning it was evident that Phil's really being affected by the radiation treatments. There was hair on the bottom of the tub when he finished showering and when I combed his hair it was like combing a cat who is shedding. It. was. hard. We cried and in that moment I felt our oneness in a profound way. The tears were more for the realization that this is real, than that he's losing his hair. When I asked Phil just now if that's what it was like for him, he said, "it's like a huge slap in the face that something horrific is going on inside me and to me on the outside [the treatments]."
After that happened one of our favorite songs came on ~ Same Power ~ it sure did minister to us. Phil then said, "I have my hair falling out... Jesus had his beard ripped out." Wow. I'm so grateful for the Holy Spirit revelations. God is good. He carries us. His heart is for us. Always.
We had the joy of going out with my parents today. A much needed mini vacation to the coast. It was lovely. Thanks mom and dad!
Memories
I asked God for happy memories this morning as grief came crashing down on me - one of those grief aftershocks I read about. I had gone back to bed, not ready to face the day yet, tears flowing, sobs racking my body, as I cried out to God... A memory came. I smiled. I wanted to turn to Phil and say "remember when...?" But he's not here. He can no longer share memories with me. God was there for each moment of our marriage, so I need to learn to share the memories with Him... This grief life is a journey, a process of learning...
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
I started biblical counseling this week amd my counselor asked me to memorize this verse:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)
When I woke up about an hour later, I saw a vision of a path with rocks here and there. I couldn't see what was ahead, but I've always loved path pictures because I wonder what's ahead and I think of the path I'm on with God and know He's gone before. In my vision puddles appeared on the path and then it became a river. And I thought of the above verse - when I go through the rivers they will not overwhelm me, because... God. Is. There. The first part of the next verse (3) says: For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Put that all together... When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Beauty from Ashes
http://www.fire.ca.gov/current_incidents/incidentdetails/Index/1672
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
You may wonder why I've started this blog post with a link about a fire. Eight years ago my husband and I spent our 25th anniversary in Mariposa. We rented a cute little house for 4 nights. Yosemite is only a half hour drive from there so we of course went there and to Mariposa Grove and wandered the quaint town of Mariposa as well.
Over the course of the last several months I have asked God for good memories because a lot of my memories have been of caring for him the last two years (the last few months especially, that were so hard) and I also have memories of his last days, being in the hospital, and then when he died. There are some good memories mixed in with the hard ones...even some from the hospital... But I wanted memories from before he got sick.
When I heard that the whole town of Mariposa was evacuated and the fire had damaged buildings and destroyed so many acres it made me cry, because of the time, the absolutely wonderful time, Phil and I spent there. And as I read about this fire, keeping track of the progress, memories, really good memories came flooding in... I can picture so many things of our time there. So, beauty from ashes.
I also want to share with you two things the Lord has given me this last week.
A little conversation I had with God the other day while I was falling asleep... He also have me an acrostic for trust.
I don't understand.
I didn't call you to understand. I called you to trust.
Totally
Resting
Under
Salvation's
Triumph
And yesterday He gave me this (Attached is a little pop memo I did to go with it.):
Grief is either a conduit or a barrier. I choose to let it be a conduit. My journey to healing... Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Grief Unfiltered
This morning as I took my warmed mug of coffee out of the microwave, a pesky bug was flying right around the cup. It triggered anger. Grief anger. I almost threw that cup of coffee on the floor. But knew it would be an even bigger mess to clean up than I already had from jostling the cup, trying to get rid of that pesky bug. I poured the coffee into another mug and cleaned up the mess on the floor, while yelling and swearing at God. I wanted to know why (again) He had to take my husband.
Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)
Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several months ago) and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.
You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.
After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!
Then I continued writing:
Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.
When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.
~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...
Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.
Then I noticed a plaque on the wall that has been there for years. It says "Home is Where You Hang Your Heart." My thought was, and I said it out loud, "this doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a prison." (I took it down and put it in a closet for now.)
Then, I came back into my 'sanctuary', 'quiet time room', whatever... I'm still not sure what to call it. It's the room in which I used to share a bed with my husband. 😢 I saw the 'broken heart' pottery (literally made with a crack in it right down the middle of a heart - to indicate being broken and poured out for Jesus) in a box of stuff I've yet to go through since changing rooms around. I took the slips of paper out of it on which I have written things God has done for me since Phil died (I actually stopped writing them several months ago) and went into the entryway of my apartment and threw that piece of pottery down hard on the linoleum floor. My life shattered in a million pieces on the floor. Part of what triggered the smashing of the pottery was that today marks seven months since Phil was moved to ICU... And seeing that pottery, well, something snapped.
You know, even in my brokenness and yelling and swearing at God I heard Him say He is close to the brokenhearted 💔.
After I sat down in my recliner the anger was still there because, as I wrote in my journal, This grief (then I threw almost all the pens across the room) - I HATE IT & I WANT IT TO STOP!
Then I continued writing:
Profound
Agony
Inward
Nagging
of my soul - in depths of sorrow I have never before known in my life.
Who am I? I don't know anymore. I am consumed with deep pain, grief and anger... unchartered waters - waves crashing over me... Tears flow unchecked. Anger lashes out, clawing and scratching. Loneliness for the one who was my love, my husband, my best friend... My soul searches for and longs for him, but he's gone home and unlike someone who will come back to visit - he's not coming back because he has gone home to stay. I know I will see him again... some day and in the timing of heaven it will only be a short while, but I live in the here and now where my heart has broken in a million pieces.
When Rebekah went to China there was sadness but I had the hope and the knowledge that she would be back - and now with her living 3 hours away I have hope and knowledge of her visits - mom and dad are in Oregon for a couple of weeks and I have hope and knowledge of them returning. Phil has gone Home - and I have hope and knowledge of seeing him again some day but it's different than the hope of Rebekah visiting and Mom and Dad returning. Because in this hope is a deep well of grief which seems I will never be able to climb out of.
~~~~
I went and cleaned up the mess, but first I took pictures... And I set aside a few of the bigger pieces... Maybe as a reminder, of what I don't know...
Maybe this was hard for you to read. It's hard, in a way, for me to be this honest and vulnerable... But in the writing of it, sharing my pain, comes a bit of healing, because without grief and the sharing of it I would get stuck.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT) I do know this to be true... I have experienced it multiple times over the last seven months in ways which leave no doubt that God is near... Even in my anger and yelling at Him, I know He loves me and is with me. I would not be making it through this journey without Him.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Tangled Sheets, Tears and an 'Empty' Fridge
I didn't used to get tangled up in the sheets. I do now. Being by myself in our queen-sized bed, means I basically sleep in the middle. And the sheets get wrapped around me, all tangled up. That may seem silly but it's a painful thing to my heart. Not always, but sometimes.
I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly) grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,
The fridge is 'empty'. It's strange to open it and see it so 'bare'. I have adequate food for me, but getting used to less, that hurts too.
So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning...
I read something recently that (I'm putting my take on it since I don't remember the quote exactly) grief is like an earthquake initially, fierce and surprising. Then the aftershocks come without warning. You never know when they will hit. So, they are surprising too. Sometimes they seem worse than the first grief that hit because in the beginning I was all wrapped up in planning the memorial service and had lots of people around. Now, as a widow, alone in the home my husband and I shared, the grief will come unexpectedly and stopping the flow of tears doesn't always come easy. This morning was one of those times and it took awhile before I could even make my breakfast. It's a little after 11 now and I just finished eating a few minutes ago. I read an appropriate verse in the Psalms when I did a search for tears on biblegateway.com Psalm 42:3a "Day and night I have only tears for food," That's what it felt like this morning. I couldn't settle down to eat. The pain of loss is real and it is devastating. When I cry like I did this morning my whole body is affected and I feel the weight of grief. Psalm 31:9 says,
"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away."
So many things serve as a reminder that my husband is gone. But according to scripture I do not grieve without hope... And I read another passage this morning...
Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Missing My Husband
Really missing Phil. I miss his presence, miss talking with him, miss his wit, miss holding his hand, miss going to bed with him and waking up with him, miss him telling me multiple times a day that he loves me, miss his hug amd kisses, miss him telling me he's praying for me, or asking me what he can pray for me about... I. Miss. My. Husband.
I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through...
I KNOW I will get through this but some days are more painful than others. God IS with me, I know this. I wouldn't be making it without Him. He is my Joy in the pain, the One who wipes away my tears. He loves me and I know His presence. Isaiah 41:10 has been a comfort lately.
New Living Translation (NLT)
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
What promises this verse holds! I'm the most difficult journey I have ever faced God is with me, He is my God, He will strengthen me and help me and He will hold me up with His victorious right hand. I can be real with Him and He never lets me down, never fails me or abandons me. Phil is no longer here, but I thank God for HIS presence and carrying me through...
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