Strong Emotions

Last month I went to see the movie Unplanned with a friend of mine and during one scene I experienced something I hope to never experience again. I had a strong reaction to a scene with lots of blood. I had the feeling I used to get when I was younger and would visit people in the hospital - a feeling of nausea and just feeling sick. 

This reaction though, was seemingly 100 times worse. I was not only nauseous, but I 'went under' - that's what my friend told me later, that I was under water. 

I was sweating profusely, I felt sick, and my hearing was messed up. My friend's voice sounded different and far away. I don't know how long it took me to 'come out'. I had thought of getting up, but I knew I'd probably fall if I did and I didn't want to disturb the others in the theater sitting behind us. 

I opened my eyes a few times, but waited until I knew for sure it was 'safe'. I don't know how much of the movie I missed, but I don't want to watch it again to find out... 

Last week I was watching the movie, Of Mice and Men online through a streaming service. Again there was a scene with lots of blood and I started feeling like I did at the theater, so I turned it off.

I called my daughter, because I knew she'd still be up and I needed someone to talk to, so I could process through a little bit. She said she didn't know I had an aversion to blood, and I said I usually didn't. Then she said something that made sense, she wondered if it was intense emotions. Bingo.

Just this week I did something that reminded me of taking care of Phil when he was sick, and I had just an inkling of feeling the same way I did when I saw those movie scenes. The emotions came rushing to the surface. 

I wrote this in my journal yesterday: 

Empathy
No longer being a caregiver
What do I do with myself now?
Changes
I neither asked for nor wanted?
I wouldn't say that.... but the changes came
because Phil died.
No longer a wife.

Widow
Bereft
Alone
Rudderless

In the very depths of my being is the longing to be needed. To give somehow to someone... a spouse? I've been left without the means to give as I used to. To love as I loved him. Loving a spouse is different than loving anyone else... the marital love is... gone. I loved that way and it grew for 32.5 years. No wonder I feel lost so often... someone wandering in a wasteland...

So, it's not just the sudden loss of being a caregiver, but of being a wife. But where then is my identity? Hmm? Is it not in Christ and Him alone? Did I lose myself in being a wife, a caregiver? Failing to realize what was happening, not recognizing that only in Christ is true worth found... because of what our society has done with romance, making it the end all of who we are.

Yesterday I was watching a TV show online from the 1960s and the song, "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" was playing.  Wow... Really? Maybe we don't feel like somebody until we know we are loved, and I'm not talking romantically... 

So then, the grief is not just of missing Phil, it has been in missing the role I had of being his wife, and missing having a husband, someone who loved me like no one else has loved me. 

When the Facebook memories come up from Phil, I am reminded what a love he had for me... 

But

While his love isn't here anymore in a physical sense, I can remember and be blessed... 

However

There is a love that will never leave me... because God promised in His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. His love is as ongoing, and then some, as the oceans's tides. 

Wondering

Today it's two years since my husband went home to Jesus. My daughter and I miss him every day. I woke up during the night, thinking of him. I dreamed about him. And I wondered... 

Dear Phil,

How can it be two years already since you left to go to heaven, and have God receive you there? I watched The Christmas Shoes the other night and I also read the book recently and that's what the mom who is dying tells her little boy when he asks why God is taking her to heaven. She tells him it's not so much that He's taking her, but receiving her into heaven. I like that thought. God received you. He said it was time for you to come home and He lovingly received you in to His arms. 

What's it like? I can only imagine. I have wondered  what you're doing. It's like when Rebekah used to go away to camps and I would wonder what she was doing, or the times you went on retreats, or the one time you went on a 'business' trip because you were being trained to be manager of the store you were working at... 

Are you singing with the angels and all of those who have gone on before? Are you worshiping God continually? Do you go on long walks with Jesus and have amazing conversations? Do you talk with your mom, dad, and sister, and remember times on earth? Have you talked with people of the Bible whose names I know and stories I've read? What are you seeing? Are you still in awe that you can see so clearly again? I bet it's a thousand times more beautiful than anything you ever saw on earth. There's so much beauty here, I can only imagine how much more beauty there is in heaven. I'm thankful God gives us beauty here, a glimpse of what's to come. 

If I could sit down and have a talk with you what would we talk about? Would I tell you what it's been like these last two years or would I just want to be held in your arms again, looking into your eyes? Looks between us the only words we need. I wouldn't wish you back, even if I could. You're with Jesus and the pain of already 'losing' you has been so great, I wouldn't want to go through that again. 

Your last day on earth, I sat by your side as you lay in the hospital bed, holding your hand. If I let go even for a second, it was like a magnet drew me to take hold of your hand again. We loved holding hands, so it was only natural for me to do so. Wherever we were walking, putting my hand in yours was a love gift between us. Every once in a while one of us giving three squeezes, to say I love you, and the other giving three squeezes back. 

When you slipped quietly, peacefully, in your sleep from this life to your new life in heaven with Jesus, I knew you were gone, and even though I knew it was coming, it hurt. It's the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. As I remember now, I have tears coming to my eyes.

Our marriage was a gift from God, you were a gift from God. When I look back over the years and see how God brought us through so much, I am grateful. The early years were tough, and we had our share of spats over the years, but God taught us to communicate and to share our feelings. All the years of health problems for you were hard, but in those times God was with us, ever growing our faith, and it is why I've been able to make it through these last two years. God has been with me, strengthening me, encouraging my heart, and giving me the will to go on. And I know, without a doubt, that He will keep on helping me. He uses words you wrote on Facebook (they come up in my FB memories) while you were sick with  brain cancer, and losing your vision, to encourage my heart. 

Until we meet again,
Jewel

If I Could Do It Over...

Phil has, of course, been on my mind a lot, but especially lately, because of Christmas approaching and the day when he went to the hospital and never came home. My heart gets sad, and I cry, and yet, it's not the crushing grief it was the first year. This morning's thoughts about him lead me to thinking about doing things differently if I had the chance, because of a post of his that came up in my Facebook memories, that lead me to what I've been missing about him lately... the talks we had, the encouragement we shared with each other; talks that I had with him that I had with no one else. I miss that interaction, a lot. Talks we didn't really have the last year or two of his life. 

My question to myself was, as I indicated above, would I go back and do things differently if I could? At first the answer was yes, but then came the question, in a bit different way, WOULD I do things differently? We ask ourselves that question at different times through our lives, don't we? I know I do, but especially these last couple of years since Phil's been gone. The answer, as I really thought about it was, no, I probably wouldn't do things differently because who I was then, is different then who I am now, and it's the looking at things in retrospect that make me THINK I would do things differently. 

Those thoughts lead to me thinking of this scripture: 
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV).

Jesus wants me to look forward with hope and anticipation, not look back with self recrimination and pity... I think I need to memorize this scripture. 

Seeking for Hidden Treasure

Whenever I do the dishes I take off my opal ring because I don't want it to get damaged while I'm doing the dishes. It's a ring my husband gave me for our 10th wedding anniversary. I had had it about 3 years when I lost the opal. I don't know what happened, but one day it was just gone. I never sought to have it repaired, but did keep the setting. It also has a small diamond. Last year, I took it to a local jeweler to have a new opal put in. So, even though Phil never saw it repaired, it's still really special to me. 

This morning, I went to put my ring back on, because I didn't put it back on last night. It wasn't on the kitchen counter where I left it. I searched for it, even in places I knew it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if maybe I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, so, I searched through the trash too. Yuck. The bottom of it was pretty gross so I had to use a spoon. No ring. I looked in my recycling. No ring. I was crying. The ring is special to me. It hurt my heart that it was gone. I thought I was silly for feeling that way... it's just a material possession... 

I took the trash and recycling out to the dumpster and recycle bin and was I was walking back to my apartment I was crying and I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this. Immediately I knew that I would see my ring on the floor when I walked in the door. I had a little sense of doubt, but I also believed that I would see it, I had that sense that the Holy Spirit had just spoken to me. 

There was the ring lying on the floor. Wow. Happy tears. I had looked on the floor under the cupboards, but not all over the floor... It was lying very near where I had pulled the trash can out to look through the garbage. I could have stepped on it. 

Apparently God didn't think it was silly that it was hurting my heart that the ring was missing. He spoke to my heart, that He cares about what concerns me. He could have said it was an insignificant thing, but He didn't. He isn't some far off uncaring being in the sky. He is near. He is here. He cares. He sees. He loves. 

I was reminded of the parable in the Bible about the woman who swept her house clean looking for the silver coin she had lost. Luke 15:8-10 Or imagine a woman who has 10 silver coins. She loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the whole house, and search diligently until that coin is found? And when she finds it, doesn’t she invite her friends and neighbors and say, “Celebrate with me! I’ve found that silver coin that I lost”? Can’t you understand? There is joy in the presence of all God’s messengers over even one sinner who changes his way of life. 

I also thought of my ring as being like a hidden treasure and God wanting me to search His Word for the hidden treasure He has for me within its pages. Nuggets of joy, hope, wisdom, peace, gentle rebuke. 

The deepest treasure right now, for me, is to find joy. I have been filled with sorrow again lately as Christmas approaches. Missing my husband more than words can say, and yet the grief is gentler than it was a year and a half ago. Tears come, sadness lingers, and yet, because of who God is, I can have joy. Joy in knowing that whatever I face, He is with me in the midst of the pain, in the dark of the night, in the wondering what my future holds. 

Those thoughts came from a devotional I read this morning (and just scanned again now) by the late Barbara Johnson, after finding my ring. She had much pain in her life and one day she said she had to pray the prayer of relinquishment which was, "Whatever, Lord. Whatever happens, I know you'll see me through it." She said when she prayed that prayer it seemed to release a million little sparkles inside her. The heaviness in her heart was miraculously gone and in its place was a bubble of joy that welled up in her, inspiring her to seek out the cheer hiding in each day, even in the dark, gloomy crevices that appeared when her life threatened to fall apart again. (Women of Faith Devotional Bible)

Hidden treasure. I have a choice. There is always a spot of joy somewhere in each day, if I choose to find it. Because of who God is, my heart need never fall apart. It does, because I make choices to let it fall apart. I'm not saying that I can't have emotions that are sad, but I am saying that even in the midst of those, there can always be joy. Because of Emmanuel, God with us. Joy in the midst of pain. Joy in the dark night of my soul. Joy in knowing Jesus.

Fires in California

My heart aches for California. This is not the state I was born and raised in, but it is and has been home for more than 22 years. It's more than that though, it's knowing people personally who are affected by these fires; my daughter and her boyfriend, family of friends (fire south) had to evacuate.

I was looking at Twitter and my heart broke. Seeing pictures of Paradise, gone (fire north) And my friend told me 6,600 homes were gone in an hour. Someone was looking for their 87 year old dad...

All of it breaks my heart because I now know someone personally affected. I always would get sad before, but this is empathy now...

Why is it that I'm more affected when I know someone personally? It's even been that way since Phil's death. When I know someone who has lost a loved one my heart aches for them more now. I'm wondering if it has to do with 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Now as I head to bed, I'm grieving but I'm also praying, praying to the God who holds it all together and who is the Strength of my life. Without Him to give me Peace and Hope I would be so devastated, but no matter what, I know He is with me, because He has proven Himself faithful time and time again and He has always kept His promises and He won't stop now.

It Is Well With My Soul

Life really is full of heartache isn't it? I'm experiencing it in remembering what was happening two years ago when my husband was declining and as different friends face the death of a child and a parent. Life. Is. Hard. Heartache meets us at a turn in the road and we are left with battered hearts, and we struggle to hang on to the hope that we know we have in Christ. It's a thin silver thread blowing in the breeze, but once we grasp it, hope, however small becomes ours and we find that, because of Who Christ is, it will grow and blossom even in the most aching of hearts. It's not always instant and may take time but it will grow as we keep our eyes on Christ in the midst of our sorrow. 

I know sorrow. Well. It's debilitating. After the death of a loved one, making the arrangements for burial and a service, it can kind of take a back seat because of all the planning going on. Then, everyone leaves and we have to face reality. Our loved ones aren't coming back... They're gone. Sorrow meets us in the hallway, it comes to wash over us in the deep darkness of night, stealing our sleep, bringing tears and more tears... and when we think we can't cry any more, there are more tears, becoming a puddle at our feet. 

Then, because of the hope we have in Christ, for those of us who have accepted His gift of salvation, as have our loved ones, we know we haven't lost them, as Randy Alcorn says in his book, Heaven, we have just lost touch with them. One day we will see them again. The day Jesus calls for us either in death, or when He comes in the clouds to take us to heaven with Him, we'll see HIM and all those who have gone before. Victory!

Scripture says that weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. God always shows up. He's always with us. He's always good. He's not just good when things are going how we want them to or think they should, He's good all the time. Why do we only say "God's so good." when things go 'right'? I think it's because we find it hard to see 'bad things' as 'good things'... 

I know God's goodness in the midst of difficult times, times when my heart is broken, and sorrow overwhelms me. Always, God has been there to help me, to dry my tears, drawing me close. So now, as friends go through the death of loved ones, my heart empathizes with them, and I pray that as they face these losses, they too, will know the nearness of God and His all encompassing love for them in their sorrow. 

I have talked with a friend recently about how she has felt God isn't safe, and that makes it hard to trust Him. She's wondered how the Bible can say He can be trusted when physically we aren't always safe, but then she realized, we ARE safe, because while we may go through very difficult times physically, our souls are always safe in Him. He is there. To carry us, to give us comfort in the midst of sorrow and pain. As I was thinking of our not being physically safe, the thought came to me, from the Holy Spirit, I believe, that Jesus, when He was on earth, wasn't physically safe when He was horribly beaten, and His body was nailed to the cross. But then, He rose victorious over the grave and because He did, we too can rise above the circumstances of life that want to hold us down, and we can say, It is well with my soul. 


(Lyrics for the song can be found here, with verses I've never seen before)

Ramblings

Grief can still hit unexpectedly. Yesterday morning I was having a quiet time, and just doing normal stuff around the house, when out of the blue, I was hit with unexpected tears that wouldn't stop. They streamed down my face and I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. The intensity of emotions was strong and all I could do was cry... 

Missing Phil
hurts
It can still be 
an anguish of 
soul
Longing
for what was
Being able to 
talk, 
receive his wisdom 
and advice 
on decisions
that need to be made
My life
forever
altered 
by his passing
but not just in hard ways
...good ways too
Leaning harder on God
than I ever have in my 
life
I've not arrived 
by any means
Arriving won't
happen
until I'm home.
Home... 
no wonder I constantly have 
a sense
of 
longing 

The other day I read a verse that I've read many times, but when I read it in this particular version it stopped me in my tracks. 

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. Trust in the LORD forever, because in the LORD, the LORD himself is an everlasting rock!"

We live in a society that encourages us to strive for independence... to think for ourselves, to be our own person... so when we see what God says, about trusting Him and depending on Him, we can probably tend to think that's backwards... but in reality, isn't it the world that is backwards to what God says? For in Him is our true self found, and our joy made complete, peace granted - not just peace, but perfect peace, as our minds are dependent on HIM. Wow... Just stop and think about that word... dependent... it really does pack a punch doesn't it? 

He Sees, He Knows, He Provides

This morning a song was playing over and over in my mind and heart; actually just one phrase from a song... 

Oh my soul, 
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

You can listen to it here

In my loneliness lately, I have sometimes felt alone... because Phil isn't here to talk things over with... helping me make decisions I need to make, hard decisions (at least they seem hard to me). Needing to quit going to the chiropractor who's been helping me so much, because he doesn't take my insurance, and needing to get a job, because what I'm doing with Stampin Up isn't enough. Those two things have terrified me. Panic has risen up and caused so much stress... but in that I have cried out to God and this morning... well... wow... The thought processes had to be the Holy Spirit... I'll see if I can explain it... :) 

I was going through my Facebook memories and one from several years ago was when my daughter was here for a visit and she posted about a place we went to and said that sometimes she forgets what a hick town she's from... lol So that started me thinking about how we even got to where we live... and then Psalm 139:16 popped into my head... "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book, were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."

All of my days, written in God's book, so that means I'm not alone... I'm seen, I'm known, I'm provided for... Fear doesn't need to be part of who I am, or what I feel... because we walk by faith and not by sight, and God, He knows exactly what I need to live, and He will provide... Hard times, given to help us rely more on God and less on ourselves; in fact, we shouldn't be leaning on ourselves at all. He knows what is needed to make me rely on Him more and to build my character. So many times over the years, people have said to us, "You don't need that." Yes, we do... Absolutely nothing in this life takes God by surprise, because all of our days are written in His book and He knows exactly what we need, not just for our provisions, but for our growth in Him. In one Scripture in the New Testament, it says with food and clothing we shall be content. It says nothing of shelter... how blessed we are! Gratefulness should well up within us at how much He has provided for us, salvation being at the top of the list... and the Holy Spirit to guide, comfort and direct... 

This morning I was grieving; missing Phil so much... as lately sweeter memories have come, of our happy, love filled times together. I sometimes feel guilty for still grieving, but God spoke to my heart... "it's ok to grieve. You don't grieve without hope." And then I was able to thank Him that Phil is in heaven with Him... and my heart was stilled... because, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I can be still and know that He is God!

My feelings still want to take front and center stage when I think of what needs to be done, but I pray that I will continue, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to rely on God and know that I am not alone! It's so true what Scripture also says, "without Him we can do nothing."

Twists and Turns

Life has so many twists and turns, leaving us breathless, restless, either because we don't like change or we wish things would change, and we could be taken out of the mess we think we're in. 

As I was preparing my late breakfast, I was thinking of many things. My brain tends to jump all over the place... 😃Suddenly that first phrase jumped into my head and I knew I had a blog post begging to be written. 

So, this morning I was thinking about the twists and turns of my life, and there have been many. What I'm learning is that God is in charge of them all, and nothing takes Him by surprise. And if we're willing, He uses those twists and turns for His glory and our good; using them to shape us into the image of His Son, Jesus, if we belong to Him. 

The main thing on my mind today, is how much I've been missing Phil the last few days. More so than usual. I was wondering why, aside from the obvious  reasons... well three years ago we went on a get away to the coast for a couple of nights to celebrate the end of his radiation treatments and a belated anniversary (it had been our 31st in June).  Pictures of that time came up in my Facebook memories this last week. Also this is the time of year, 21 years ago we were preparing for me to give him a kidney. September 16 was the day of that event, that changed our lives and gave us 19 more years together. 

While seeing those pictures made me sad, and miss him more, like my brother said, when I shared with him via messenger, it's so good to have those memories! The picture I'm sharing here is from that time. 

We had eaten at a restaurant, we wouldn't normally eat at, because we had a dinner voucher from the hotel we stayed at. It was a restaurant from which we could see the ocean as we sat outside on the patio. All of a sudden diners were talking about seeing dolphins along the shore. I'm pretty sure I saw them but I don't remember for sure, because I was focused on the sunset. Either way it's a memorable experience, and I can clearly remember my husband sitting across from me and seeing his dear face and sharing our love of many years. 

Transitioning now, to the Scripture I read yesterday and that is still permeating my heart today. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. You are being guarded by God's power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith --more valuable than gold which, though perishable, is refined by fire-- may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him; though not seeing him now, you believe in him, and you rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9 (Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)

Through the trials I have gone through, God is growing my faith... The Bible I read this out of is a CH Spurgeon study Bible, and has this note for verse 7: "'The proven character of your faith.' Let us not be mistaken: God never gave us faith to play with. Faith is a sword. But it was not made to exhibit upon a parade ground. It was meant to cut and wound and slay. Whoever has it may expect, between here and heaven, to learn what battle means. God has made nothing in vain; he especially makes nothing in the spiritual kingdom in vain. He made faith with the intent that it should be used to the utmost and exercised to the full. We must expect trial because trial is the element of faith. Faith without trial is like a diamond uncut, the brilliance of which has never been seen. A fish without water or a bird without air is faith without trial. We may surely expect that our faith will be tested."

I have suffered grief in various trials, my husband's passing being the biggest one to date, and I noticed that the Scirptuer above says, "if necessary, so that the proven character of my faith may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." wow! It's hard to imagine that this was necessary, but really, knowing that God allowed it for His glory and my good, makes it something that I can rejoice in. Backwards thinking, right? Well, God's kingdom is unlike that of this world, so yeah, it does seem backwards, but oh does it bring joy to know God and to walk by faith. 

Remembering... Not Just the Past...

Oh wow... I knew when I looked at today's Facebook memories, what I would find... and, as I expected it has me in tears... but I'm crying for a different reason than I thought I would. Grief, yes, but also a deep sense of gratitude for the legacy of faith Phil left and that still touches my heart today and has helped me as I continue to learn what it means to live alone, without him... OK, maybe the tears are more grief filled than I thought... but anyway...

The memory came up of waiting in the room for the neurologist, after having gotten the call from the neurosurgeon about the results of the biopsy... lymphoma, he said, treatable... but then an hour later, the neurologist's office calling, telling us to get there ASAP. A 30 minute drive... and finding out this:

{{{Phil's lymphoma is most likely primary cns (central nervous system) and is not a good cancer to have because it doesn't have a good prognosis. It's a fairly aggressive tumor growing in multiple places. The neurologist is already working on getting referrals and authorizations for an oncologist and oncology radiation. She hopes we can have them by Monday and go to oncology radiation on Tuesday. I asked why some of the lesions have shrunk and she said because it's notoriously responsive to prednisone in the short term. She said it's a rare cancer and she hasn't seen it for a few years so she doesn't know if there have been any advancements in treatment since then. So, we'll wait and see what the oncologist says....}}}

And look what Phil said:

Whether the Lord gives me 5 more minutes or 50 more years on this earth, I am on The Rock. My life is in His hands.

So, I, too, must remember I am on the Rock. My life is in His hands... Nothing, absolutely nothing, takes Him by surprise. I can stand firm and strong *because* He is firm and strong and HE gives me the strength I need... I want/need to remember that in my weakness His strength is made strong.

Oh, how I needed to be reminded of this, this morning...

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So, I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Taking pleasure in the above mentioned things... seems so backwards, doesn't it? Our flesh wants to grumble and complain... but when we remember that Christ is our strength, we can 'take pleasure' because we know that as we do our joy is made full in Him... He gives us peace, joy, comfort, that are so beyond our understanding as to how we can be joyful, peaceful, comforted, in the midst of trying situations... but somehow, when we lean in to Him and accept what He gives... we receive, just that...

I had no idea when I started typing this that all that would come out! Praise God!

Anniversary Roses

I posted this on Instagram and decided I wanted to share it here too.

Next week Saturday, June 23 is the day I became Mrs. Phil Kliewer, 34 years ago. Even though Phil is in his eternal home, I still celebrate our marriage. When I went to Trader Joe's this morning I saw these beautiful roses. They had to come home with me as an early gift to the celebration of what I had with Phil. He loved me so well. He told me every day, several times a day. And I know he prayed for me. He told me. He would also ask how he could pray for me. He was my gift from God. The last few days, grief has been coming again, however it was *just* as I started to write the description for this post that I realized I want to *celebrate* what we had. There are still tears, but there is also joy for what we had. I was truly blessed.

Peaceful Fruit of Righteousness

I may have mentioned this before, but I don't remember. I'm reading the book Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges,  for my counseling sessions. It's been a wonderful read and I'm grateful for what I'm learning through it. This morning I was reading in the chapter, Appropriating Grace. The basic meaning of appropriate is "to take possession of", which I've tried to remember every time the word is used in the chapter, which is often. It makes it more relevant to me when I think of it that way. 

In the section subtitled Submission to God, the author references Hebrews 12 and talks about it quite a bit. I turned to it in my Bible and a verse he didn't mention jumped off the page at me: 

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it yields the peaceful  fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

The author says: "Discipline may be either corrective or remedial. It may be sent for the purpose of correcting some sinful attitude or action, or to remedy some lack in our character. In either case, it is administered by our heavenly Father in love, not in wrath. Jesus has already borne the wrath of God in our place, so all adversities that come to us, come because He loves us and designs to conform us to the likeness of His Son."

So, when I read verse 11 and saw that discipline brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, I smiled. God brings the righteousness and it is peaceful... Wow!! I have felt much more peace over the last few months, whereas last year for several months I was in so. much. pain. God was, I believe, both correcting me and remedying a lack in my character. 

Have I arrived? By no means! I know that there is so much more for me to learn and to be trained in. I pray that when I'm disciplined again (which actually, I think can happen through many different circumstances, 'big' or 'small' as I've seen lately, now that I think of it), that I will yield (submit) willingly and humbly under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6-7). 

How grateful I am to be so loved by the Father that He doesn't leave me as I am, but disciplines me to change me and to make me more like Jesus. 

A Testament to God's Faithfulness

I haven't posted for over two months. I suppose maybe I should change the title of my blog since I have come as far as I have, by God's grace. He has truly done so much for me and I can only attest to His faithfulness at bringing me this far. Do I still miss Phil? Absolutely. Do I still cry? Yes. My heart can really still hurt at times, but the despair is no longer a part of who I am. If I do feel myself sinking into despair or anger, I sense God's prompting quicker, because of the work He's done in my heart and I'm not prone to stay in those spaces for long. He enables me to turn to Him and to trust Him. I'm learning that everything is from His hand... because I can't do anything without Him. 

I have a friend who is in the hospital. I didn't go see her on Thursday because we had a lot of rain and there was a chance of thunderstorms. I decided to go see her yesterday and before I went I was having a lot of anxiety because I hadn't yet been to visit anyone on the main floor of the hospital since Phil passed away on that floor... I had been to the second floor when my dad had a stroke two months after Phil passed away. That was hard, but God enabled me to go. But this, this was so different, or so I thought. I went up there and I prayed before I went, and my daughter was praying for me to and I knew she was 'cheering me on' from afar. I had been texting with her before I went and I had her full support and love behind me, not to mention, of course, God's full love and support! When I got to the hospital I was sitting in the car for a minute, crying... but then God helped me dry my eyes and go in. 

Do you know how much He loves us!? I was amazed to go in, so full of peace and confidence in HIM. The first person I saw was one of the nurse's aids who had cared for Phil when he was there. He was so kind and supportive of me. And another thing that I was so thankful for, was, that even though I saw down the hall where Phil had last been and passed away, my friend was not down that hall but a different hall, and looking down the hall where Phil had been I was fine... only God's grace could do that! And then I was able to go visit her again today this time with no anxiety at all before I went. Today my friend's nurse was another one who had taken care of Phil. She was very kind and gave me a couple of hugs. 

The biggest thing from all of this though, is that God saw me through my anxiety and gave me the gift of being able to go visit my friend and be a support to her. 

I have seen His hand so many times over the years and over this last year as I've learned to let go of my beloved husband and cling to God. That brings me to say, that I know I can trust Him with my future and what He might have more to do. I did start as a demonstrator in a business with my mom (she's been in it for almost 16 years) ~ Stampin Up! ~ I hope to be able to make a go of it. I realize I need to trust God with it and if He has something else for me, I need to trust Him with that too. 

How can I not trust the God who has brought me through so much and whom I know will continue to be with me through the rest of my life?

Empathy

I have always had a heart for people and to some degree have felt their sadness, but the last two weeks I have experienced empathy. I have cried for two ladies who have 'lost' their husbands. One is a gal I have known for many years. We were best friends in Jr High. We had lost touch for about four decades! Thanks to Facebook and ultimately, God, we reconnected a couple of years ago. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other... but that doesn't change how our friendship was instantly rekindled and the love we felt toward one another was reignited. One day last week she posted that her husband had passed away the night before. My heart instantly ached for her. Tears slid down my cheeks in silent empathy. I know the pain  of having your husband, your best friend ever, leaving his earthly body to go home to Jesus. As I've read, and heard, this last year, I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. And a song says, "I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. He was never really mine, he was always His." You can listen to that song here. I may have posted it before, but that' ok. :) 

Yesterday afternoon I learned that a man from my church passed away. I started crying... because I knew this man but I also cried (more so) for his wife... she and he had come to visit me not long after my husband passed away and throughout this last year she has sent me cards to encourage me and show her support. She has also given me hugs and talked with me at church, asking how I'm doing. Now she is facing grief as well. Because I know them both it hit a little bit closer to home, and the pain of Phil's passing came rushing back... I relived those moments before he passed away. Sitting next to his bed in the hospital room, holding his hand the last couple of hours until he slipped into the arms of Jesus. Tears flowed then, and have flowed often this last year... 

I, of course, don't know fully what these two precious ladies are feeling, but I do, to some degree, because the pain of 'losing' a husband is different than any other kind of death, although death is always hard. As I have heard of other people who have had loved ones pass away my heart goes out to them as well. Death is painful. For those who know Jesus though, we don't grieve without hope. Yes, we grieve, sometimes we grieve hard. I did... there were times I just wanted it to be over... the pain was so intense and I hurt like I've never hurt before, but God is faithful... and even though I was grieving, it was not without hope. I'm still grieving, but it's not as intense... God has proven Himself faithful. The Comforter has been with me through this dark night of the soul and I know He will be with these two precious women as well. 

If God allows, I hope and pray that I will be able to comfort them with the same comfort He has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-7) 

A Miracle

I hope you'll forgive me if I've already shared some of this or something similar. I continue to be astounded, however, at what Christ has done. This song that I just heard for the first time recently by Casting Crowns definitely describes my last year. I have learned so much this last year and know God is the God of all my days! He has shown me this again and again. Psalm 139 says He had all our days written in His book before one of them came to be. 

God has done a miracle in my heart. No question. It is His work, not mine. Period. When I look back... wow... How far He has brought me.

I was told, and I also read, that the second year of widowhood will be harder than the first. Well, maybe it will, however, I don't have to be saying, "Oh no! It's going to be harder." Why should I even think I have to go down that road, because of what I've been told or have read? God has healed my heart. I can't even begin to express to you my gratitude for what God has done. He has taken this most tragic situation in my mind and transformed it into a gift! 

When I was first widowed I had someone share an article with me by Elisabeth Elliot, that quite honestly I never read because it was about widowhood being a gift, "Um, excuse me", I thought, "No way. Widowhood is not a gift." I  never thought I would see it as such. Never.

A friend wrote a prayer for me in the sympathy card she sent. A card that was apparently blank until she penned her beautiful words... and a prayer guided by the Holy Spirit to her heart... and prayed for me... I have kept it close and read it several times this last year and I see how God has answered that prayer. Joy has overcome sorrow. The Lord has been my Comforter. He has called to my mind His precious promises. He is using (by His strength) me to walk with others in their sorrow. He has sustained me and given me the peace that passes all understanding. I had anxiety like I'd never before experienced. God has removed it and replaced it with trust in Him and with His peace... 

I could have done NONE of this on my own. This was a walk I didn't want to take, but God wanted it for me. He wanted to remove the dross in His Refiner's fire and bring forth His gold. I am in no way saying I have arrived. I know there is still work to be done in me and there will be until the day I die or He comes for me and many other believers in the sky. But God is faithful and He will provide everything I need, whatever trials may come my way. 

He has worked a miracle in my heart. Something I never expected a year ago. I literally thought the pain would go on forever. 

I praise Him for all He has done. As my late husband loved to say, from the words of Scripture, "God is my ROCK!" 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! May you know the amazing faithfulness of God's love and care for you. Do you know what a wonderful God He is? He brings beauty out of ashes and joy out of sorrow! He *is* Emmanuel, God with us!  Think. Of. That. "....and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!

Is Christ Enough?

Is Christ enough?
I'm reading a pamphlet by Joni Eareckson Tada called A Thankful Heart in a World of Hurt, and as I was reading it, this song came to mind. This pamphlet is challenging my heart and my thinking in a huge way. One passage of scripture that she quotes really jumped out at me. 2 Corinthians 6:10 (it's the middle of a sentence) "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything" Wow. I want to be able to say that Christ is enough for me. I want to be able to offer a sacrifice of thanks when my world seems to be crashing down around me. Psalm 50:23 is another passage she mentions... "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."

Time Has Flown

My life changed forever almost a year ago. As the date of my husband's passing from this life into the arms of Jesus and as Christmas fast approaches I find myself wondering how this year could have flown by so fast. The years do fly quickly by and have for a long time and quite frankly, I wanted this year to be over with and now that it almost is I'm left scratching my head so to speak....

Looking back I'm amazed at what God has done. How near He has been to me, His brokenhearted child, bringing comfort as only He can. I have felt and acted in ways foreign to me, and yet when under pressure a teapot boils... So as I was under the pressure of grief, I often boiled over... It was just too much for me at times. What I learned via biblical counseling was that in my reaction to my feelings I was Mt. Vevusias and I wasn't trusting God. I wanted to be in control. God wants me trust Him. To trust His sovereignty, His absolute control over all things, including bringing trials and adversity into my life, for my good and His glory. The good, which also brings Him glory,  is my becoming more like Christ.

My husband is with Jesus! He is face to face with the Savior of the Universe! The Savior who came into the world as a baby, the most fragile of human forms, growing to be a man so you and I could have forgiveness of our sins and one day be in eternity with Him forever.

John 3:16-18
“For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."

My prayer for you is that you might know Jesus who loves you so much. And Who really is close to the brokenhearted as is promised in His Word.

Life Goes On

As I turned the calendar to November several days ago, tears filled my eyes and I felt an ache in my chest... I have always loved the holidays and I am, in some ways, still looking forward to them, especially since my parents and I are going to travel to be with my daughter and her boyfriend for Christmas this year. It's all bittersweet.

I'm still here... Still living, learning to be a widow and live alone. And in learning to live alone, I'm learning that I'm not alone. God is very near. Psalm 34:18 says

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

and I know this well...

I actually started writing this on the first, but then saved it as a draft and I'm just now getting back to it... November 7th already.

Alone but not alone, it's true, however I do get very lonely, mostly for Phil, I think. I miss having him here to talk with, to be with even if we weren't talking, we just enjoyed each other's company.

I wouldn't have chosen this journey, not in a million years, but I trust that,  God in His sovereignty,  chose it for me. In Psalm 139 it says God had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be. And this has a purpose - my good and His glory. Period. The good is being conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). And that brings God glory.

I am learning so much on this journey. God led me to the biblical counselor who is just right for me. He is using her to guide me through biblical truths; opening scripture up to me in ways I've never seen before.

One thing in particular is the passage in Philippians that is so often quoted. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here it is in context...

Philippians 4:11-13The Voice (VOICE)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. 12 I know how to survive in tight situations, and I know how to enjoy having plenty. In fact, I have learned how to face any circumstances: fed or hungry, with or without. 13 I can be content in any and every situation through the Anointed One who is my power and strength.

With or without... Learning to be content. Paul had to learn contentment and so do I, and that only comes through Jesus Christ who is my power and strength. Content in any situation because Christ is with me AND as I said earlier, He had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be, so I can  trust Him each day. Completely.

Is it always easy? No, but the times of despair are shorter as I learn to draw near to Jesus, as He draws me to Himself in His gentle way. 

I still cry with grief, but Jesus lovingly wipes my tears and comforts me with His love. 

Life....

Life can be really hard at times. Downright painful. If you're like me, you may wonder at times, if you're going to make it. I have wondered that so many times in the last nine months especially, since my husband passed away in January. The pain of 'losing' the man I was married to for more than 32.5 years has been excruciating at times.

But, who gives us life? God does and according to Psalm 139:16 every day of our lives was planned out before one of them came to be! Nothing that happens in our lives takes God by surprise. 

Recently in my Facebook memories some things came up that my husband wrote. He lived his last days with brain cancer and failed eyesight. And yet, look at these words:

Life sometimes, like a broken rope, can leave you stunned when your perceived plans (trajectory?) are suddenly redirected... when you thought you were zooming along on your life course, it suddenly becomes a wild

trajectory.

You thought your middle name was invincible, until the doctor says

cancer.

If life's determined outlook were solely up to my strength, I would die of fear.

But... I know The One who has power to calm raging seas, and calm  raging fears.

In really rough cases, He even gives shoulder rides.

I'm hangin' on...

+++

And these from another memory that came up this week:

Ah, the days of youth! I'm finding it incredibly amazing how the Lord has been recently recalling past life snapshots, and being THE voice, behind the narration. 

Unlike the weak ~man~ behind the voice of the impotent 'wizard'  in the Wizard of Oz, Almighty God is POWER, no one 'speaks' a voice-over for Him!

In this journey, I've had interesting things happen with my hearing.

My spiritual hearing.

during this voyage I've been on, the Lord has sometimes rerun old memories, with an added track, and I'm amazed when He plays it when needed.

Sometimes at the greatest times!

I've had this new playback track kick in, right when I really needed it. Very often, the new track is an encounter with someone I haven't seen for awhile, and it's so great when they ask THE question "so...  howya doin?", and I pull off my cap, showing my  chrome dome, and they about faint, and we (Pamela & I) have the opportunity to share & encourage!

It's a melody of joy indescribable.

Sometimes it'll be in a wonderful place in my day, when the melody is so exuberant that I'm brought to tears of praiseful joy!

Sometimes...  it's in the middle of very frightening cancer doctor appointments, and I'm reminded again

fear can't survive in the presence of the Lord. Trust kills fear. I may need that inoculation  20 times in a day, but The Doctor is always in. No waiting.

One thing I've been blessed to realize is that none of my fears or hardships ever surprised Him.

"Oh my! I didn't know THAT was going to happen! " is not in my Lord's vocabulary.

+++

He hung on to Jesus because he KNEW Jesus was hanging on to him! And his words encourage me now to keep on, with Jesus, fixing my eyes on Him as I throw off the weight and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2). And I can only DO any of that with the help of the Holy Spirit.

This photo is at Chapel of the Roses where Phil's niche is... It's a beautiful place, BUT he's not there... He's in heaven singing praises to His Savior and King, his Creator... Free from cancer, and all the burdens of this life. And he is SEEING.

We have burdens, but please, remember with me, that we are not alone.

We have Someone Who wants to carry our burdens and is with us *every step of the way* on this journey called life, that God planned out for us long ago.