He Sees, He Knows, He Provides

This morning a song was playing over and over in my mind and heart; actually just one phrase from a song... 

Oh my soul, 
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

You can listen to it here

In my loneliness lately, I have sometimes felt alone... because Phil isn't here to talk things over with... helping me make decisions I need to make, hard decisions (at least they seem hard to me). Needing to quit going to the chiropractor who's been helping me so much, because he doesn't take my insurance, and needing to get a job, because what I'm doing with Stampin Up isn't enough. Those two things have terrified me. Panic has risen up and caused so much stress... but in that I have cried out to God and this morning... well... wow... The thought processes had to be the Holy Spirit... I'll see if I can explain it... :) 

I was going through my Facebook memories and one from several years ago was when my daughter was here for a visit and she posted about a place we went to and said that sometimes she forgets what a hick town she's from... lol So that started me thinking about how we even got to where we live... and then Psalm 139:16 popped into my head... "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book, were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."

All of my days, written in God's book, so that means I'm not alone... I'm seen, I'm known, I'm provided for... Fear doesn't need to be part of who I am, or what I feel... because we walk by faith and not by sight, and God, He knows exactly what I need to live, and He will provide... Hard times, given to help us rely more on God and less on ourselves; in fact, we shouldn't be leaning on ourselves at all. He knows what is needed to make me rely on Him more and to build my character. So many times over the years, people have said to us, "You don't need that." Yes, we do... Absolutely nothing in this life takes God by surprise, because all of our days are written in His book and He knows exactly what we need, not just for our provisions, but for our growth in Him. In one Scripture in the New Testament, it says with food and clothing we shall be content. It says nothing of shelter... how blessed we are! Gratefulness should well up within us at how much He has provided for us, salvation being at the top of the list... and the Holy Spirit to guide, comfort and direct... 

This morning I was grieving; missing Phil so much... as lately sweeter memories have come, of our happy, love filled times together. I sometimes feel guilty for still grieving, but God spoke to my heart... "it's ok to grieve. You don't grieve without hope." And then I was able to thank Him that Phil is in heaven with Him... and my heart was stilled... because, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I can be still and know that He is God!

My feelings still want to take front and center stage when I think of what needs to be done, but I pray that I will continue, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to rely on God and know that I am not alone! It's so true what Scripture also says, "without Him we can do nothing."

Twists and Turns

Life has so many twists and turns, leaving us breathless, restless, either because we don't like change or we wish things would change, and we could be taken out of the mess we think we're in. 

As I was preparing my late breakfast, I was thinking of many things. My brain tends to jump all over the place... 😃Suddenly that first phrase jumped into my head and I knew I had a blog post begging to be written. 

So, this morning I was thinking about the twists and turns of my life, and there have been many. What I'm learning is that God is in charge of them all, and nothing takes Him by surprise. And if we're willing, He uses those twists and turns for His glory and our good; using them to shape us into the image of His Son, Jesus, if we belong to Him. 

The main thing on my mind today, is how much I've been missing Phil the last few days. More so than usual. I was wondering why, aside from the obvious  reasons... well three years ago we went on a get away to the coast for a couple of nights to celebrate the end of his radiation treatments and a belated anniversary (it had been our 31st in June).  Pictures of that time came up in my Facebook memories this last week. Also this is the time of year, 21 years ago we were preparing for me to give him a kidney. September 16 was the day of that event, that changed our lives and gave us 19 more years together. 

While seeing those pictures made me sad, and miss him more, like my brother said, when I shared with him via messenger, it's so good to have those memories! The picture I'm sharing here is from that time. 

We had eaten at a restaurant, we wouldn't normally eat at, because we had a dinner voucher from the hotel we stayed at. It was a restaurant from which we could see the ocean as we sat outside on the patio. All of a sudden diners were talking about seeing dolphins along the shore. I'm pretty sure I saw them but I don't remember for sure, because I was focused on the sunset. Either way it's a memorable experience, and I can clearly remember my husband sitting across from me and seeing his dear face and sharing our love of many years. 

Transitioning now, to the Scripture I read yesterday and that is still permeating my heart today. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. You are being guarded by God's power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. You rejoice in this, even though now for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith --more valuable than gold which, though perishable, is refined by fire-- may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him; though not seeing him now, you believe in him, and you rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9 (Christian Standard Bible, emphasis mine)

Through the trials I have gone through, God is growing my faith... The Bible I read this out of is a CH Spurgeon study Bible, and has this note for verse 7: "'The proven character of your faith.' Let us not be mistaken: God never gave us faith to play with. Faith is a sword. But it was not made to exhibit upon a parade ground. It was meant to cut and wound and slay. Whoever has it may expect, between here and heaven, to learn what battle means. God has made nothing in vain; he especially makes nothing in the spiritual kingdom in vain. He made faith with the intent that it should be used to the utmost and exercised to the full. We must expect trial because trial is the element of faith. Faith without trial is like a diamond uncut, the brilliance of which has never been seen. A fish without water or a bird without air is faith without trial. We may surely expect that our faith will be tested."

I have suffered grief in various trials, my husband's passing being the biggest one to date, and I noticed that the Scirptuer above says, "if necessary, so that the proven character of my faith may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ..." wow! It's hard to imagine that this was necessary, but really, knowing that God allowed it for His glory and my good, makes it something that I can rejoice in. Backwards thinking, right? Well, God's kingdom is unlike that of this world, so yeah, it does seem backwards, but oh does it bring joy to know God and to walk by faith. 

Remembering... Not Just the Past...

Oh wow... I knew when I looked at today's Facebook memories, what I would find... and, as I expected it has me in tears... but I'm crying for a different reason than I thought I would. Grief, yes, but also a deep sense of gratitude for the legacy of faith Phil left and that still touches my heart today and has helped me as I continue to learn what it means to live alone, without him... OK, maybe the tears are more grief filled than I thought... but anyway...

The memory came up of waiting in the room for the neurologist, after having gotten the call from the neurosurgeon about the results of the biopsy... lymphoma, he said, treatable... but then an hour later, the neurologist's office calling, telling us to get there ASAP. A 30 minute drive... and finding out this:

{{{Phil's lymphoma is most likely primary cns (central nervous system) and is not a good cancer to have because it doesn't have a good prognosis. It's a fairly aggressive tumor growing in multiple places. The neurologist is already working on getting referrals and authorizations for an oncologist and oncology radiation. She hopes we can have them by Monday and go to oncology radiation on Tuesday. I asked why some of the lesions have shrunk and she said because it's notoriously responsive to prednisone in the short term. She said it's a rare cancer and she hasn't seen it for a few years so she doesn't know if there have been any advancements in treatment since then. So, we'll wait and see what the oncologist says....}}}

And look what Phil said:

Whether the Lord gives me 5 more minutes or 50 more years on this earth, I am on The Rock. My life is in His hands.

So, I, too, must remember I am on the Rock. My life is in His hands... Nothing, absolutely nothing, takes Him by surprise. I can stand firm and strong *because* He is firm and strong and HE gives me the strength I need... I want/need to remember that in my weakness His strength is made strong.

Oh, how I needed to be reminded of this, this morning...

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So, I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Taking pleasure in the above mentioned things... seems so backwards, doesn't it? Our flesh wants to grumble and complain... but when we remember that Christ is our strength, we can 'take pleasure' because we know that as we do our joy is made full in Him... He gives us peace, joy, comfort, that are so beyond our understanding as to how we can be joyful, peaceful, comforted, in the midst of trying situations... but somehow, when we lean in to Him and accept what He gives... we receive, just that...

I had no idea when I started typing this that all that would come out! Praise God!

Anniversary Roses

I posted this on Instagram and decided I wanted to share it here too.

Next week Saturday, June 23 is the day I became Mrs. Phil Kliewer, 34 years ago. Even though Phil is in his eternal home, I still celebrate our marriage. When I went to Trader Joe's this morning I saw these beautiful roses. They had to come home with me as an early gift to the celebration of what I had with Phil. He loved me so well. He told me every day, several times a day. And I know he prayed for me. He told me. He would also ask how he could pray for me. He was my gift from God. The last few days, grief has been coming again, however it was *just* as I started to write the description for this post that I realized I want to *celebrate* what we had. There are still tears, but there is also joy for what we had. I was truly blessed.

Peaceful Fruit of Righteousness

I may have mentioned this before, but I don't remember. I'm reading the book Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges,  for my counseling sessions. It's been a wonderful read and I'm grateful for what I'm learning through it. This morning I was reading in the chapter, Appropriating Grace. The basic meaning of appropriate is "to take possession of", which I've tried to remember every time the word is used in the chapter, which is often. It makes it more relevant to me when I think of it that way. 

In the section subtitled Submission to God, the author references Hebrews 12 and talks about it quite a bit. I turned to it in my Bible and a verse he didn't mention jumped off the page at me: 

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it yields the peaceful  fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

The author says: "Discipline may be either corrective or remedial. It may be sent for the purpose of correcting some sinful attitude or action, or to remedy some lack in our character. In either case, it is administered by our heavenly Father in love, not in wrath. Jesus has already borne the wrath of God in our place, so all adversities that come to us, come because He loves us and designs to conform us to the likeness of His Son."

So, when I read verse 11 and saw that discipline brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, I smiled. God brings the righteousness and it is peaceful... Wow!! I have felt much more peace over the last few months, whereas last year for several months I was in so. much. pain. God was, I believe, both correcting me and remedying a lack in my character. 

Have I arrived? By no means! I know that there is so much more for me to learn and to be trained in. I pray that when I'm disciplined again (which actually, I think can happen through many different circumstances, 'big' or 'small' as I've seen lately, now that I think of it), that I will yield (submit) willingly and humbly under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6-7). 

How grateful I am to be so loved by the Father that He doesn't leave me as I am, but disciplines me to change me and to make me more like Jesus. 

A Testament to God's Faithfulness

I haven't posted for over two months. I suppose maybe I should change the title of my blog since I have come as far as I have, by God's grace. He has truly done so much for me and I can only attest to His faithfulness at bringing me this far. Do I still miss Phil? Absolutely. Do I still cry? Yes. My heart can really still hurt at times, but the despair is no longer a part of who I am. If I do feel myself sinking into despair or anger, I sense God's prompting quicker, because of the work He's done in my heart and I'm not prone to stay in those spaces for long. He enables me to turn to Him and to trust Him. I'm learning that everything is from His hand... because I can't do anything without Him. 

I have a friend who is in the hospital. I didn't go see her on Thursday because we had a lot of rain and there was a chance of thunderstorms. I decided to go see her yesterday and before I went I was having a lot of anxiety because I hadn't yet been to visit anyone on the main floor of the hospital since Phil passed away on that floor... I had been to the second floor when my dad had a stroke two months after Phil passed away. That was hard, but God enabled me to go. But this, this was so different, or so I thought. I went up there and I prayed before I went, and my daughter was praying for me to and I knew she was 'cheering me on' from afar. I had been texting with her before I went and I had her full support and love behind me, not to mention, of course, God's full love and support! When I got to the hospital I was sitting in the car for a minute, crying... but then God helped me dry my eyes and go in. 

Do you know how much He loves us!? I was amazed to go in, so full of peace and confidence in HIM. The first person I saw was one of the nurse's aids who had cared for Phil when he was there. He was so kind and supportive of me. And another thing that I was so thankful for, was, that even though I saw down the hall where Phil had last been and passed away, my friend was not down that hall but a different hall, and looking down the hall where Phil had been I was fine... only God's grace could do that! And then I was able to go visit her again today this time with no anxiety at all before I went. Today my friend's nurse was another one who had taken care of Phil. She was very kind and gave me a couple of hugs. 

The biggest thing from all of this though, is that God saw me through my anxiety and gave me the gift of being able to go visit my friend and be a support to her. 

I have seen His hand so many times over the years and over this last year as I've learned to let go of my beloved husband and cling to God. That brings me to say, that I know I can trust Him with my future and what He might have more to do. I did start as a demonstrator in a business with my mom (she's been in it for almost 16 years) ~ Stampin Up! ~ I hope to be able to make a go of it. I realize I need to trust God with it and if He has something else for me, I need to trust Him with that too. 

How can I not trust the God who has brought me through so much and whom I know will continue to be with me through the rest of my life?

Empathy

I have always had a heart for people and to some degree have felt their sadness, but the last two weeks I have experienced empathy. I have cried for two ladies who have 'lost' their husbands. One is a gal I have known for many years. We were best friends in Jr High. We had lost touch for about four decades! Thanks to Facebook and ultimately, God, we reconnected a couple of years ago. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other... but that doesn't change how our friendship was instantly rekindled and the love we felt toward one another was reignited. One day last week she posted that her husband had passed away the night before. My heart instantly ached for her. Tears slid down my cheeks in silent empathy. I know the pain  of having your husband, your best friend ever, leaving his earthly body to go home to Jesus. As I've read, and heard, this last year, I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. And a song says, "I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. He was never really mine, he was always His." You can listen to that song here. I may have posted it before, but that' ok. :) 

Yesterday afternoon I learned that a man from my church passed away. I started crying... because I knew this man but I also cried (more so) for his wife... she and he had come to visit me not long after my husband passed away and throughout this last year she has sent me cards to encourage me and show her support. She has also given me hugs and talked with me at church, asking how I'm doing. Now she is facing grief as well. Because I know them both it hit a little bit closer to home, and the pain of Phil's passing came rushing back... I relived those moments before he passed away. Sitting next to his bed in the hospital room, holding his hand the last couple of hours until he slipped into the arms of Jesus. Tears flowed then, and have flowed often this last year... 

I, of course, don't know fully what these two precious ladies are feeling, but I do, to some degree, because the pain of 'losing' a husband is different than any other kind of death, although death is always hard. As I have heard of other people who have had loved ones pass away my heart goes out to them as well. Death is painful. For those who know Jesus though, we don't grieve without hope. Yes, we grieve, sometimes we grieve hard. I did... there were times I just wanted it to be over... the pain was so intense and I hurt like I've never hurt before, but God is faithful... and even though I was grieving, it was not without hope. I'm still grieving, but it's not as intense... God has proven Himself faithful. The Comforter has been with me through this dark night of the soul and I know He will be with these two precious women as well. 

If God allows, I hope and pray that I will be able to comfort them with the same comfort He has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-7)