Empathy

I have always had a heart for people and to some degree have felt their sadness, but the last two weeks I have experienced empathy. I have cried for two ladies who have 'lost' their husbands. One is a gal I have known for many years. We were best friends in Jr High. We had lost touch for about four decades! Thanks to Facebook and ultimately, God, we reconnected a couple of years ago. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other... but that doesn't change how our friendship was instantly rekindled and the love we felt toward one another was reignited. One day last week she posted that her husband had passed away the night before. My heart instantly ached for her. Tears slid down my cheeks in silent empathy. I know the pain  of having your husband, your best friend ever, leaving his earthly body to go home to Jesus. As I've read, and heard, this last year, I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. And a song says, "I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. He was never really mine, he was always His." You can listen to that song here. I may have posted it before, but that' ok. :) 

Yesterday afternoon I learned that a man from my church passed away. I started crying... because I knew this man but I also cried (more so) for his wife... she and he had come to visit me not long after my husband passed away and throughout this last year she has sent me cards to encourage me and show her support. She has also given me hugs and talked with me at church, asking how I'm doing. Now she is facing grief as well. Because I know them both it hit a little bit closer to home, and the pain of Phil's passing came rushing back... I relived those moments before he passed away. Sitting next to his bed in the hospital room, holding his hand the last couple of hours until he slipped into the arms of Jesus. Tears flowed then, and have flowed often this last year... 

I, of course, don't know fully what these two precious ladies are feeling, but I do, to some degree, because the pain of 'losing' a husband is different than any other kind of death, although death is always hard. As I have heard of other people who have had loved ones pass away my heart goes out to them as well. Death is painful. For those who know Jesus though, we don't grieve without hope. Yes, we grieve, sometimes we grieve hard. I did... there were times I just wanted it to be over... the pain was so intense and I hurt like I've never hurt before, but God is faithful... and even though I was grieving, it was not without hope. I'm still grieving, but it's not as intense... God has proven Himself faithful. The Comforter has been with me through this dark night of the soul and I know He will be with these two precious women as well. 

If God allows, I hope and pray that I will be able to comfort them with the same comfort He has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-7) 

A Miracle

I hope you'll forgive me if I've already shared some of this or something similar. I continue to be astounded, however, at what Christ has done. This song that I just heard for the first time recently by Casting Crowns definitely describes my last year. I have learned so much this last year and know God is the God of all my days! He has shown me this again and again. Psalm 139 says He had all our days written in His book before one of them came to be. 

God has done a miracle in my heart. No question. It is His work, not mine. Period. When I look back... wow... How far He has brought me.

I was told, and I also read, that the second year of widowhood will be harder than the first. Well, maybe it will, however, I don't have to be saying, "Oh no! It's going to be harder." Why should I even think I have to go down that road, because of what I've been told or have read? God has healed my heart. I can't even begin to express to you my gratitude for what God has done. He has taken this most tragic situation in my mind and transformed it into a gift! 

When I was first widowed I had someone share an article with me by Elisabeth Elliot, that quite honestly I never read because it was about widowhood being a gift, "Um, excuse me", I thought, "No way. Widowhood is not a gift." I  never thought I would see it as such. Never.

A friend wrote a prayer for me in the sympathy card she sent. A card that was apparently blank until she penned her beautiful words... and a prayer guided by the Holy Spirit to her heart... and prayed for me... I have kept it close and read it several times this last year and I see how God has answered that prayer. Joy has overcome sorrow. The Lord has been my Comforter. He has called to my mind His precious promises. He is using (by His strength) me to walk with others in their sorrow. He has sustained me and given me the peace that passes all understanding. I had anxiety like I'd never before experienced. God has removed it and replaced it with trust in Him and with His peace... 

I could have done NONE of this on my own. This was a walk I didn't want to take, but God wanted it for me. He wanted to remove the dross in His Refiner's fire and bring forth His gold. I am in no way saying I have arrived. I know there is still work to be done in me and there will be until the day I die or He comes for me and many other believers in the sky. But God is faithful and He will provide everything I need, whatever trials may come my way. 

He has worked a miracle in my heart. Something I never expected a year ago. I literally thought the pain would go on forever. 

I praise Him for all He has done. As my late husband loved to say, from the words of Scripture, "God is my ROCK!" 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! May you know the amazing faithfulness of God's love and care for you. Do you know what a wonderful God He is? He brings beauty out of ashes and joy out of sorrow! He *is* Emmanuel, God with us!  Think. Of. That. "....and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!

Is Christ Enough?

Is Christ enough?
I'm reading a pamphlet by Joni Eareckson Tada called A Thankful Heart in a World of Hurt, and as I was reading it, this song came to mind. This pamphlet is challenging my heart and my thinking in a huge way. One passage of scripture that she quotes really jumped out at me. 2 Corinthians 6:10 (it's the middle of a sentence) "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything" Wow. I want to be able to say that Christ is enough for me. I want to be able to offer a sacrifice of thanks when my world seems to be crashing down around me. Psalm 50:23 is another passage she mentions... "He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."

Time Has Flown

My life changed forever almost a year ago. As the date of my husband's passing from this life into the arms of Jesus and as Christmas fast approaches I find myself wondering how this year could have flown by so fast. The years do fly quickly by and have for a long time and quite frankly, I wanted this year to be over with and now that it almost is I'm left scratching my head so to speak....

Looking back I'm amazed at what God has done. How near He has been to me, His brokenhearted child, bringing comfort as only He can. I have felt and acted in ways foreign to me, and yet when under pressure a teapot boils... So as I was under the pressure of grief, I often boiled over... It was just too much for me at times. What I learned via biblical counseling was that in my reaction to my feelings I was Mt. Vevusias and I wasn't trusting God. I wanted to be in control. God wants me trust Him. To trust His sovereignty, His absolute control over all things, including bringing trials and adversity into my life, for my good and His glory. The good, which also brings Him glory,  is my becoming more like Christ.

My husband is with Jesus! He is face to face with the Savior of the Universe! The Savior who came into the world as a baby, the most fragile of human forms, growing to be a man so you and I could have forgiveness of our sins and one day be in eternity with Him forever.

John 3:16-18
“For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 Anyone who believes in Him is not condemned, but anyone who does not believe is already condemned, because he has not believed in the name of the One and Only Son of God."

My prayer for you is that you might know Jesus who loves you so much. And Who really is close to the brokenhearted as is promised in His Word.

Life Goes On

As I turned the calendar to November several days ago, tears filled my eyes and I felt an ache in my chest... I have always loved the holidays and I am, in some ways, still looking forward to them, especially since my parents and I are going to travel to be with my daughter and her boyfriend for Christmas this year. It's all bittersweet.

I'm still here... Still living, learning to be a widow and live alone. And in learning to live alone, I'm learning that I'm not alone. God is very near. Psalm 34:18 says

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

and I know this well...

I actually started writing this on the first, but then saved it as a draft and I'm just now getting back to it... November 7th already.

Alone but not alone, it's true, however I do get very lonely, mostly for Phil, I think. I miss having him here to talk with, to be with even if we weren't talking, we just enjoyed each other's company.

I wouldn't have chosen this journey, not in a million years, but I trust that,  God in His sovereignty,  chose it for me. In Psalm 139 it says God had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be. And this has a purpose - my good and His glory. Period. The good is being conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:28-29). And that brings God glory.

I am learning so much on this journey. God led me to the biblical counselor who is just right for me. He is using her to guide me through biblical truths; opening scripture up to me in ways I've never seen before.

One thing in particular is the passage in Philippians that is so often quoted. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Here it is in context...

Philippians 4:11-13The Voice (VOICE)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. 12 I know how to survive in tight situations, and I know how to enjoy having plenty. In fact, I have learned how to face any circumstances: fed or hungry, with or without. 13 I can be content in any and every situation through the Anointed One who is my power and strength.

With or without... Learning to be content. Paul had to learn contentment and so do I, and that only comes through Jesus Christ who is my power and strength. Content in any situation because Christ is with me AND as I said earlier, He had all my days written in His book before one of them came to be, so I can  trust Him each day. Completely.

Is it always easy? No, but the times of despair are shorter as I learn to draw near to Jesus, as He draws me to Himself in His gentle way. 

I still cry with grief, but Jesus lovingly wipes my tears and comforts me with His love. 

Life....

Life can be really hard at times. Downright painful. If you're like me, you may wonder at times, if you're going to make it. I have wondered that so many times in the last nine months especially, since my husband passed away in January. The pain of 'losing' the man I was married to for more than 32.5 years has been excruciating at times.

But, who gives us life? God does and according to Psalm 139:16 every day of our lives was planned out before one of them came to be! Nothing that happens in our lives takes God by surprise. 

Recently in my Facebook memories some things came up that my husband wrote. He lived his last days with brain cancer and failed eyesight. And yet, look at these words:

Life sometimes, like a broken rope, can leave you stunned when your perceived plans (trajectory?) are suddenly redirected... when you thought you were zooming along on your life course, it suddenly becomes a wild

trajectory.

You thought your middle name was invincible, until the doctor says

cancer.

If life's determined outlook were solely up to my strength, I would die of fear.

But... I know The One who has power to calm raging seas, and calm  raging fears.

In really rough cases, He even gives shoulder rides.

I'm hangin' on...

+++

And these from another memory that came up this week:

Ah, the days of youth! I'm finding it incredibly amazing how the Lord has been recently recalling past life snapshots, and being THE voice, behind the narration. 

Unlike the weak ~man~ behind the voice of the impotent 'wizard'  in the Wizard of Oz, Almighty God is POWER, no one 'speaks' a voice-over for Him!

In this journey, I've had interesting things happen with my hearing.

My spiritual hearing.

during this voyage I've been on, the Lord has sometimes rerun old memories, with an added track, and I'm amazed when He plays it when needed.

Sometimes at the greatest times!

I've had this new playback track kick in, right when I really needed it. Very often, the new track is an encounter with someone I haven't seen for awhile, and it's so great when they ask THE question "so...  howya doin?", and I pull off my cap, showing my  chrome dome, and they about faint, and we (Pamela & I) have the opportunity to share & encourage!

It's a melody of joy indescribable.

Sometimes it'll be in a wonderful place in my day, when the melody is so exuberant that I'm brought to tears of praiseful joy!

Sometimes...  it's in the middle of very frightening cancer doctor appointments, and I'm reminded again

fear can't survive in the presence of the Lord. Trust kills fear. I may need that inoculation  20 times in a day, but The Doctor is always in. No waiting.

One thing I've been blessed to realize is that none of my fears or hardships ever surprised Him.

"Oh my! I didn't know THAT was going to happen! " is not in my Lord's vocabulary.

+++

He hung on to Jesus because he KNEW Jesus was hanging on to him! And his words encourage me now to keep on, with Jesus, fixing my eyes on Him as I throw off the weight and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with endurance (Hebrews 12:1-2). And I can only DO any of that with the help of the Holy Spirit.

This photo is at Chapel of the Roses where Phil's niche is... It's a beautiful place, BUT he's not there... He's in heaven singing praises to His Savior and King, his Creator... Free from cancer, and all the burdens of this life. And he is SEEING.

We have burdens, but please, remember with me, that we are not alone.

We have Someone Who wants to carry our burdens and is with us *every step of the way* on this journey called life, that God planned out for us long ago.