Remembering... Not Just the Past...

Oh wow... I knew when I looked at today's Facebook memories, what I would find... and, as I expected it has me in tears... but I'm crying for a different reason than I thought I would. Grief, yes, but also a deep sense of gratitude for the legacy of faith Phil left and that still touches my heart today and has helped me as I continue to learn what it means to live alone, without him... OK, maybe the tears are more grief filled than I thought... but anyway...

The memory came up of waiting in the room for the neurologist, after having gotten the call from the neurosurgeon about the results of the biopsy... lymphoma, he said, treatable... but then an hour later, the neurologist's office calling, telling us to get there ASAP. A 30 minute drive... and finding out this:

{{{Phil's lymphoma is most likely primary cns (central nervous system) and is not a good cancer to have because it doesn't have a good prognosis. It's a fairly aggressive tumor growing in multiple places. The neurologist is already working on getting referrals and authorizations for an oncologist and oncology radiation. She hopes we can have them by Monday and go to oncology radiation on Tuesday. I asked why some of the lesions have shrunk and she said because it's notoriously responsive to prednisone in the short term. She said it's a rare cancer and she hasn't seen it for a few years so she doesn't know if there have been any advancements in treatment since then. So, we'll wait and see what the oncologist says....}}}

And look what Phil said:

Whether the Lord gives me 5 more minutes or 50 more years on this earth, I am on The Rock. My life is in His hands.

So, I, too, must remember I am on the Rock. My life is in His hands... Nothing, absolutely nothing, takes Him by surprise. I can stand firm and strong *because* He is firm and strong and HE gives me the strength I need... I want/need to remember that in my weakness His strength is made strong.

Oh, how I needed to be reminded of this, this morning...

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So, I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Taking pleasure in the above mentioned things... seems so backwards, doesn't it? Our flesh wants to grumble and complain... but when we remember that Christ is our strength, we can 'take pleasure' because we know that as we do our joy is made full in Him... He gives us peace, joy, comfort, that are so beyond our understanding as to how we can be joyful, peaceful, comforted, in the midst of trying situations... but somehow, when we lean in to Him and accept what He gives... we receive, just that...

I had no idea when I started typing this that all that would come out! Praise God!

Anniversary Roses

I posted this on Instagram and decided I wanted to share it here too.

Next week Saturday, June 23 is the day I became Mrs. Phil Kliewer, 34 years ago. Even though Phil is in his eternal home, I still celebrate our marriage. When I went to Trader Joe's this morning I saw these beautiful roses. They had to come home with me as an early gift to the celebration of what I had with Phil. He loved me so well. He told me every day, several times a day. And I know he prayed for me. He told me. He would also ask how he could pray for me. He was my gift from God. The last few days, grief has been coming again, however it was *just* as I started to write the description for this post that I realized I want to *celebrate* what we had. There are still tears, but there is also joy for what we had. I was truly blessed.

Peaceful Fruit of Righteousness

I may have mentioned this before, but I don't remember. I'm reading the book Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges,  for my counseling sessions. It's been a wonderful read and I'm grateful for what I'm learning through it. This morning I was reading in the chapter, Appropriating Grace. The basic meaning of appropriate is "to take possession of", which I've tried to remember every time the word is used in the chapter, which is often. It makes it more relevant to me when I think of it that way. 

In the section subtitled Submission to God, the author references Hebrews 12 and talks about it quite a bit. I turned to it in my Bible and a verse he didn't mention jumped off the page at me: 

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it yields the peaceful  fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

The author says: "Discipline may be either corrective or remedial. It may be sent for the purpose of correcting some sinful attitude or action, or to remedy some lack in our character. In either case, it is administered by our heavenly Father in love, not in wrath. Jesus has already borne the wrath of God in our place, so all adversities that come to us, come because He loves us and designs to conform us to the likeness of His Son."

So, when I read verse 11 and saw that discipline brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, I smiled. God brings the righteousness and it is peaceful... Wow!! I have felt much more peace over the last few months, whereas last year for several months I was in so. much. pain. God was, I believe, both correcting me and remedying a lack in my character. 

Have I arrived? By no means! I know that there is so much more for me to learn and to be trained in. I pray that when I'm disciplined again (which actually, I think can happen through many different circumstances, 'big' or 'small' as I've seen lately, now that I think of it), that I will yield (submit) willingly and humbly under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6-7). 

How grateful I am to be so loved by the Father that He doesn't leave me as I am, but disciplines me to change me and to make me more like Jesus. 

A Testament to God's Faithfulness

I haven't posted for over two months. I suppose maybe I should change the title of my blog since I have come as far as I have, by God's grace. He has truly done so much for me and I can only attest to His faithfulness at bringing me this far. Do I still miss Phil? Absolutely. Do I still cry? Yes. My heart can really still hurt at times, but the despair is no longer a part of who I am. If I do feel myself sinking into despair or anger, I sense God's prompting quicker, because of the work He's done in my heart and I'm not prone to stay in those spaces for long. He enables me to turn to Him and to trust Him. I'm learning that everything is from His hand... because I can't do anything without Him. 

I have a friend who is in the hospital. I didn't go see her on Thursday because we had a lot of rain and there was a chance of thunderstorms. I decided to go see her yesterday and before I went I was having a lot of anxiety because I hadn't yet been to visit anyone on the main floor of the hospital since Phil passed away on that floor... I had been to the second floor when my dad had a stroke two months after Phil passed away. That was hard, but God enabled me to go. But this, this was so different, or so I thought. I went up there and I prayed before I went, and my daughter was praying for me to and I knew she was 'cheering me on' from afar. I had been texting with her before I went and I had her full support and love behind me, not to mention, of course, God's full love and support! When I got to the hospital I was sitting in the car for a minute, crying... but then God helped me dry my eyes and go in. 

Do you know how much He loves us!? I was amazed to go in, so full of peace and confidence in HIM. The first person I saw was one of the nurse's aids who had cared for Phil when he was there. He was so kind and supportive of me. And another thing that I was so thankful for, was, that even though I saw down the hall where Phil had last been and passed away, my friend was not down that hall but a different hall, and looking down the hall where Phil had been I was fine... only God's grace could do that! And then I was able to go visit her again today this time with no anxiety at all before I went. Today my friend's nurse was another one who had taken care of Phil. She was very kind and gave me a couple of hugs. 

The biggest thing from all of this though, is that God saw me through my anxiety and gave me the gift of being able to go visit my friend and be a support to her. 

I have seen His hand so many times over the years and over this last year as I've learned to let go of my beloved husband and cling to God. That brings me to say, that I know I can trust Him with my future and what He might have more to do. I did start as a demonstrator in a business with my mom (she's been in it for almost 16 years) ~ Stampin Up! ~ I hope to be able to make a go of it. I realize I need to trust God with it and if He has something else for me, I need to trust Him with that too. 

How can I not trust the God who has brought me through so much and whom I know will continue to be with me through the rest of my life?

Empathy

I have always had a heart for people and to some degree have felt their sadness, but the last two weeks I have experienced empathy. I have cried for two ladies who have 'lost' their husbands. One is a gal I have known for many years. We were best friends in Jr High. We had lost touch for about four decades! Thanks to Facebook and ultimately, God, we reconnected a couple of years ago. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other... but that doesn't change how our friendship was instantly rekindled and the love we felt toward one another was reignited. One day last week she posted that her husband had passed away the night before. My heart instantly ached for her. Tears slid down my cheeks in silent empathy. I know the pain  of having your husband, your best friend ever, leaving his earthly body to go home to Jesus. As I've read, and heard, this last year, I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. And a song says, "I didn't lose him, I know right where he is. He was never really mine, he was always His." You can listen to that song here. I may have posted it before, but that' ok. :) 

Yesterday afternoon I learned that a man from my church passed away. I started crying... because I knew this man but I also cried (more so) for his wife... she and he had come to visit me not long after my husband passed away and throughout this last year she has sent me cards to encourage me and show her support. She has also given me hugs and talked with me at church, asking how I'm doing. Now she is facing grief as well. Because I know them both it hit a little bit closer to home, and the pain of Phil's passing came rushing back... I relived those moments before he passed away. Sitting next to his bed in the hospital room, holding his hand the last couple of hours until he slipped into the arms of Jesus. Tears flowed then, and have flowed often this last year... 

I, of course, don't know fully what these two precious ladies are feeling, but I do, to some degree, because the pain of 'losing' a husband is different than any other kind of death, although death is always hard. As I have heard of other people who have had loved ones pass away my heart goes out to them as well. Death is painful. For those who know Jesus though, we don't grieve without hope. Yes, we grieve, sometimes we grieve hard. I did... there were times I just wanted it to be over... the pain was so intense and I hurt like I've never hurt before, but God is faithful... and even though I was grieving, it was not without hope. I'm still grieving, but it's not as intense... God has proven Himself faithful. The Comforter has been with me through this dark night of the soul and I know He will be with these two precious women as well. 

If God allows, I hope and pray that I will be able to comfort them with the same comfort He has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-7) 

A Miracle

I hope you'll forgive me if I've already shared some of this or something similar. I continue to be astounded, however, at what Christ has done. This song that I just heard for the first time recently by Casting Crowns definitely describes my last year. I have learned so much this last year and know God is the God of all my days! He has shown me this again and again. Psalm 139 says He had all our days written in His book before one of them came to be. 

God has done a miracle in my heart. No question. It is His work, not mine. Period. When I look back... wow... How far He has brought me.

I was told, and I also read, that the second year of widowhood will be harder than the first. Well, maybe it will, however, I don't have to be saying, "Oh no! It's going to be harder." Why should I even think I have to go down that road, because of what I've been told or have read? God has healed my heart. I can't even begin to express to you my gratitude for what God has done. He has taken this most tragic situation in my mind and transformed it into a gift! 

When I was first widowed I had someone share an article with me by Elisabeth Elliot, that quite honestly I never read because it was about widowhood being a gift, "Um, excuse me", I thought, "No way. Widowhood is not a gift." I  never thought I would see it as such. Never.

A friend wrote a prayer for me in the sympathy card she sent. A card that was apparently blank until she penned her beautiful words... and a prayer guided by the Holy Spirit to her heart... and prayed for me... I have kept it close and read it several times this last year and I see how God has answered that prayer. Joy has overcome sorrow. The Lord has been my Comforter. He has called to my mind His precious promises. He is using (by His strength) me to walk with others in their sorrow. He has sustained me and given me the peace that passes all understanding. I had anxiety like I'd never before experienced. God has removed it and replaced it with trust in Him and with His peace... 

I could have done NONE of this on my own. This was a walk I didn't want to take, but God wanted it for me. He wanted to remove the dross in His Refiner's fire and bring forth His gold. I am in no way saying I have arrived. I know there is still work to be done in me and there will be until the day I die or He comes for me and many other believers in the sky. But God is faithful and He will provide everything I need, whatever trials may come my way. 

He has worked a miracle in my heart. Something I never expected a year ago. I literally thought the pain would go on forever. 

I praise Him for all He has done. As my late husband loved to say, from the words of Scripture, "God is my ROCK!" 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! May you know the amazing faithfulness of God's love and care for you. Do you know what a wonderful God He is? He brings beauty out of ashes and joy out of sorrow! He *is* Emmanuel, God with us!  Think. Of. That. "....and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
How grateful I am for all He has done for me this year!