Strong Emotions

Last month I went to see the movie Unplanned with a friend of mine and during one scene I experienced something I hope to never experience again. I had a strong reaction to a scene with lots of blood. I had the feeling I used to get when I was younger and would visit people in the hospital - a feeling of nausea and just feeling sick. 

This reaction though, was seemingly 100 times worse. I was not only nauseous, but I 'went under' - that's what my friend told me later, that I was under water. 

I was sweating profusely, I felt sick, and my hearing was messed up. My friend's voice sounded different and far away. I don't know how long it took me to 'come out'. I had thought of getting up, but I knew I'd probably fall if I did and I didn't want to disturb the others in the theater sitting behind us. 

I opened my eyes a few times, but waited until I knew for sure it was 'safe'. I don't know how much of the movie I missed, but I don't want to watch it again to find out... 

Last week I was watching the movie, Of Mice and Men online through a streaming service. Again there was a scene with lots of blood and I started feeling like I did at the theater, so I turned it off.

I called my daughter, because I knew she'd still be up and I needed someone to talk to, so I could process through a little bit. She said she didn't know I had an aversion to blood, and I said I usually didn't. Then she said something that made sense, she wondered if it was intense emotions. Bingo.

Just this week I did something that reminded me of taking care of Phil when he was sick, and I had just an inkling of feeling the same way I did when I saw those movie scenes. The emotions came rushing to the surface. 

I wrote this in my journal yesterday: 

Empathy
No longer being a caregiver
What do I do with myself now?
Changes
I neither asked for nor wanted?
I wouldn't say that.... but the changes came
because Phil died.
No longer a wife.

Widow
Bereft
Alone
Rudderless

In the very depths of my being is the longing to be needed. To give somehow to someone... a spouse? I've been left without the means to give as I used to. To love as I loved him. Loving a spouse is different than loving anyone else... the marital love is... gone. I loved that way and it grew for 32.5 years. No wonder I feel lost so often... someone wandering in a wasteland...

So, it's not just the sudden loss of being a caregiver, but of being a wife. But where then is my identity? Hmm? Is it not in Christ and Him alone? Did I lose myself in being a wife, a caregiver? Failing to realize what was happening, not recognizing that only in Christ is true worth found... because of what our society has done with romance, making it the end all of who we are.

Yesterday I was watching a TV show online from the 1960s and the song, "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" was playing.  Wow... Really? Maybe we don't feel like somebody until we know we are loved, and I'm not talking romantically... 

So then, the grief is not just of missing Phil, it has been in missing the role I had of being his wife, and missing having a husband, someone who loved me like no one else has loved me. 

When the Facebook memories come up from Phil, I am reminded what a love he had for me... 

But

While his love isn't here anymore in a physical sense, I can remember and be blessed... 

However

There is a love that will never leave me... because God promised in His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. His love is as ongoing, and then some, as the oceans's tides.