Strong Emotions

Last month I went to see the movie Unplanned with a friend of mine and during one scene I experienced something I hope to never experience again. I had a strong reaction to a scene with lots of blood. I had the feeling I used to get when I was younger and would visit people in the hospital - a feeling of nausea and just feeling sick. 

This reaction though, was seemingly 100 times worse. I was not only nauseous, but I 'went under' - that's what my friend told me later, that I was under water. 

I was sweating profusely, I felt sick, and my hearing was messed up. My friend's voice sounded different and far away. I don't know how long it took me to 'come out'. I had thought of getting up, but I knew I'd probably fall if I did and I didn't want to disturb the others in the theater sitting behind us. 

I opened my eyes a few times, but waited until I knew for sure it was 'safe'. I don't know how much of the movie I missed, but I don't want to watch it again to find out... 

Last week I was watching the movie, Of Mice and Men online through a streaming service. Again there was a scene with lots of blood and I started feeling like I did at the theater, so I turned it off.

I called my daughter, because I knew she'd still be up and I needed someone to talk to, so I could process through a little bit. She said she didn't know I had an aversion to blood, and I said I usually didn't. Then she said something that made sense, she wondered if it was intense emotions. Bingo.

Just this week I did something that reminded me of taking care of Phil when he was sick, and I had just an inkling of feeling the same way I did when I saw those movie scenes. The emotions came rushing to the surface. 

I wrote this in my journal yesterday: 

Empathy
No longer being a caregiver
What do I do with myself now?
Changes
I neither asked for nor wanted?
I wouldn't say that.... but the changes came
because Phil died.
No longer a wife.

Widow
Bereft
Alone
Rudderless

In the very depths of my being is the longing to be needed. To give somehow to someone... a spouse? I've been left without the means to give as I used to. To love as I loved him. Loving a spouse is different than loving anyone else... the marital love is... gone. I loved that way and it grew for 32.5 years. No wonder I feel lost so often... someone wandering in a wasteland...

So, it's not just the sudden loss of being a caregiver, but of being a wife. But where then is my identity? Hmm? Is it not in Christ and Him alone? Did I lose myself in being a wife, a caregiver? Failing to realize what was happening, not recognizing that only in Christ is true worth found... because of what our society has done with romance, making it the end all of who we are.

Yesterday I was watching a TV show online from the 1960s and the song, "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" was playing.  Wow... Really? Maybe we don't feel like somebody until we know we are loved, and I'm not talking romantically... 

So then, the grief is not just of missing Phil, it has been in missing the role I had of being his wife, and missing having a husband, someone who loved me like no one else has loved me. 

When the Facebook memories come up from Phil, I am reminded what a love he had for me... 

But

While his love isn't here anymore in a physical sense, I can remember and be blessed... 

However

There is a love that will never leave me... because God promised in His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. His love is as ongoing, and then some, as the oceans's tides. 

Wondering

Today it's two years since my husband went home to Jesus. My daughter and I miss him every day. I woke up during the night, thinking of him. I dreamed about him. And I wondered... 

Dear Phil,

How can it be two years already since you left to go to heaven, and have God receive you there? I watched The Christmas Shoes the other night and I also read the book recently and that's what the mom who is dying tells her little boy when he asks why God is taking her to heaven. She tells him it's not so much that He's taking her, but receiving her into heaven. I like that thought. God received you. He said it was time for you to come home and He lovingly received you in to His arms. 

What's it like? I can only imagine. I have wondered  what you're doing. It's like when Rebekah used to go away to camps and I would wonder what she was doing, or the times you went on retreats, or the one time you went on a 'business' trip because you were being trained to be manager of the store you were working at... 

Are you singing with the angels and all of those who have gone on before? Are you worshiping God continually? Do you go on long walks with Jesus and have amazing conversations? Do you talk with your mom, dad, and sister, and remember times on earth? Have you talked with people of the Bible whose names I know and stories I've read? What are you seeing? Are you still in awe that you can see so clearly again? I bet it's a thousand times more beautiful than anything you ever saw on earth. There's so much beauty here, I can only imagine how much more beauty there is in heaven. I'm thankful God gives us beauty here, a glimpse of what's to come. 

If I could sit down and have a talk with you what would we talk about? Would I tell you what it's been like these last two years or would I just want to be held in your arms again, looking into your eyes? Looks between us the only words we need. I wouldn't wish you back, even if I could. You're with Jesus and the pain of already 'losing' you has been so great, I wouldn't want to go through that again. 

Your last day on earth, I sat by your side as you lay in the hospital bed, holding your hand. If I let go even for a second, it was like a magnet drew me to take hold of your hand again. We loved holding hands, so it was only natural for me to do so. Wherever we were walking, putting my hand in yours was a love gift between us. Every once in a while one of us giving three squeezes, to say I love you, and the other giving three squeezes back. 

When you slipped quietly, peacefully, in your sleep from this life to your new life in heaven with Jesus, I knew you were gone, and even though I knew it was coming, it hurt. It's the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. As I remember now, I have tears coming to my eyes.

Our marriage was a gift from God, you were a gift from God. When I look back over the years and see how God brought us through so much, I am grateful. The early years were tough, and we had our share of spats over the years, but God taught us to communicate and to share our feelings. All the years of health problems for you were hard, but in those times God was with us, ever growing our faith, and it is why I've been able to make it through these last two years. God has been with me, strengthening me, encouraging my heart, and giving me the will to go on. And I know, without a doubt, that He will keep on helping me. He uses words you wrote on Facebook (they come up in my FB memories) while you were sick with  brain cancer, and losing your vision, to encourage my heart. 

Until we meet again,
Jewel

If I Could Do It Over...

Phil has, of course, been on my mind a lot, but especially lately, because of Christmas approaching and the day when he went to the hospital and never came home. My heart gets sad, and I cry, and yet, it's not the crushing grief it was the first year. This morning's thoughts about him lead me to thinking about doing things differently if I had the chance, because of a post of his that came up in my Facebook memories, that lead me to what I've been missing about him lately... the talks we had, the encouragement we shared with each other; talks that I had with him that I had with no one else. I miss that interaction, a lot. Talks we didn't really have the last year or two of his life. 

My question to myself was, as I indicated above, would I go back and do things differently if I could? At first the answer was yes, but then came the question, in a bit different way, WOULD I do things differently? We ask ourselves that question at different times through our lives, don't we? I know I do, but especially these last couple of years since Phil's been gone. The answer, as I really thought about it was, no, I probably wouldn't do things differently because who I was then, is different then who I am now, and it's the looking at things in retrospect that make me THINK I would do things differently. 

Those thoughts lead to me thinking of this scripture: 
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV).

Jesus wants me to look forward with hope and anticipation, not look back with self recrimination and pity... I think I need to memorize this scripture. 

Seeking for Hidden Treasure

Whenever I do the dishes I take off my opal ring because I don't want it to get damaged while I'm doing the dishes. It's a ring my husband gave me for our 10th wedding anniversary. I had had it about 3 years when I lost the opal. I don't know what happened, but one day it was just gone. I never sought to have it repaired, but did keep the setting. It also has a small diamond. Last year, I took it to a local jeweler to have a new opal put in. So, even though Phil never saw it repaired, it's still really special to me. 

This morning, I went to put my ring back on, because I didn't put it back on last night. It wasn't on the kitchen counter where I left it. I searched for it, even in places I knew it wouldn't be. I wasn't sure if maybe I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, so, I searched through the trash too. Yuck. The bottom of it was pretty gross so I had to use a spoon. No ring. I looked in my recycling. No ring. I was crying. The ring is special to me. It hurt my heart that it was gone. I thought I was silly for feeling that way... it's just a material possession... 

I took the trash and recycling out to the dumpster and recycle bin and was I was walking back to my apartment I was crying and I asked God what He wanted me to learn from this. Immediately I knew that I would see my ring on the floor when I walked in the door. I had a little sense of doubt, but I also believed that I would see it, I had that sense that the Holy Spirit had just spoken to me. 

There was the ring lying on the floor. Wow. Happy tears. I had looked on the floor under the cupboards, but not all over the floor... It was lying very near where I had pulled the trash can out to look through the garbage. I could have stepped on it. 

Apparently God didn't think it was silly that it was hurting my heart that the ring was missing. He spoke to my heart, that He cares about what concerns me. He could have said it was an insignificant thing, but He didn't. He isn't some far off uncaring being in the sky. He is near. He is here. He cares. He sees. He loves. 

I was reminded of the parable in the Bible about the woman who swept her house clean looking for the silver coin she had lost. Luke 15:8-10 Or imagine a woman who has 10 silver coins. She loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the whole house, and search diligently until that coin is found? And when she finds it, doesn’t she invite her friends and neighbors and say, “Celebrate with me! I’ve found that silver coin that I lost”? Can’t you understand? There is joy in the presence of all God’s messengers over even one sinner who changes his way of life. 

I also thought of my ring as being like a hidden treasure and God wanting me to search His Word for the hidden treasure He has for me within its pages. Nuggets of joy, hope, wisdom, peace, gentle rebuke. 

The deepest treasure right now, for me, is to find joy. I have been filled with sorrow again lately as Christmas approaches. Missing my husband more than words can say, and yet the grief is gentler than it was a year and a half ago. Tears come, sadness lingers, and yet, because of who God is, I can have joy. Joy in knowing that whatever I face, He is with me in the midst of the pain, in the dark of the night, in the wondering what my future holds. 

Those thoughts came from a devotional I read this morning (and just scanned again now) by the late Barbara Johnson, after finding my ring. She had much pain in her life and one day she said she had to pray the prayer of relinquishment which was, "Whatever, Lord. Whatever happens, I know you'll see me through it." She said when she prayed that prayer it seemed to release a million little sparkles inside her. The heaviness in her heart was miraculously gone and in its place was a bubble of joy that welled up in her, inspiring her to seek out the cheer hiding in each day, even in the dark, gloomy crevices that appeared when her life threatened to fall apart again. (Women of Faith Devotional Bible)

Hidden treasure. I have a choice. There is always a spot of joy somewhere in each day, if I choose to find it. Because of who God is, my heart need never fall apart. It does, because I make choices to let it fall apart. I'm not saying that I can't have emotions that are sad, but I am saying that even in the midst of those, there can always be joy. Because of Emmanuel, God with us. Joy in the midst of pain. Joy in the dark night of my soul. Joy in knowing Jesus.

Fires in California

My heart aches for California. This is not the state I was born and raised in, but it is and has been home for more than 22 years. It's more than that though, it's knowing people personally who are affected by these fires; my daughter and her boyfriend, family of friends (fire south) had to evacuate.

I was looking at Twitter and my heart broke. Seeing pictures of Paradise, gone (fire north) And my friend told me 6,600 homes were gone in an hour. Someone was looking for their 87 year old dad...

All of it breaks my heart because I now know someone personally affected. I always would get sad before, but this is empathy now...

Why is it that I'm more affected when I know someone personally? It's even been that way since Phil's death. When I know someone who has lost a loved one my heart aches for them more now. I'm wondering if it has to do with 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Now as I head to bed, I'm grieving but I'm also praying, praying to the God who holds it all together and who is the Strength of my life. Without Him to give me Peace and Hope I would be so devastated, but no matter what, I know He is with me, because He has proven Himself faithful time and time again and He has always kept His promises and He won't stop now.

It Is Well With My Soul

Life really is full of heartache isn't it? I'm experiencing it in remembering what was happening two years ago when my husband was declining and as different friends face the death of a child and a parent. Life. Is. Hard. Heartache meets us at a turn in the road and we are left with battered hearts, and we struggle to hang on to the hope that we know we have in Christ. It's a thin silver thread blowing in the breeze, but once we grasp it, hope, however small becomes ours and we find that, because of Who Christ is, it will grow and blossom even in the most aching of hearts. It's not always instant and may take time but it will grow as we keep our eyes on Christ in the midst of our sorrow. 

I know sorrow. Well. It's debilitating. After the death of a loved one, making the arrangements for burial and a service, it can kind of take a back seat because of all the planning going on. Then, everyone leaves and we have to face reality. Our loved ones aren't coming back... They're gone. Sorrow meets us in the hallway, it comes to wash over us in the deep darkness of night, stealing our sleep, bringing tears and more tears... and when we think we can't cry any more, there are more tears, becoming a puddle at our feet. 

Then, because of the hope we have in Christ, for those of us who have accepted His gift of salvation, as have our loved ones, we know we haven't lost them, as Randy Alcorn says in his book, Heaven, we have just lost touch with them. One day we will see them again. The day Jesus calls for us either in death, or when He comes in the clouds to take us to heaven with Him, we'll see HIM and all those who have gone before. Victory!

Scripture says that weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. God always shows up. He's always with us. He's always good. He's not just good when things are going how we want them to or think they should, He's good all the time. Why do we only say "God's so good." when things go 'right'? I think it's because we find it hard to see 'bad things' as 'good things'... 

I know God's goodness in the midst of difficult times, times when my heart is broken, and sorrow overwhelms me. Always, God has been there to help me, to dry my tears, drawing me close. So now, as friends go through the death of loved ones, my heart empathizes with them, and I pray that as they face these losses, they too, will know the nearness of God and His all encompassing love for them in their sorrow. 

I have talked with a friend recently about how she has felt God isn't safe, and that makes it hard to trust Him. She's wondered how the Bible can say He can be trusted when physically we aren't always safe, but then she realized, we ARE safe, because while we may go through very difficult times physically, our souls are always safe in Him. He is there. To carry us, to give us comfort in the midst of sorrow and pain. As I was thinking of our not being physically safe, the thought came to me, from the Holy Spirit, I believe, that Jesus, when He was on earth, wasn't physically safe when He was horribly beaten, and His body was nailed to the cross. But then, He rose victorious over the grave and because He did, we too can rise above the circumstances of life that want to hold us down, and we can say, It is well with my soul. 


(Lyrics for the song can be found here, with verses I've never seen before)

Ramblings

Grief can still hit unexpectedly. Yesterday morning I was having a quiet time, and just doing normal stuff around the house, when out of the blue, I was hit with unexpected tears that wouldn't stop. They streamed down my face and I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. The intensity of emotions was strong and all I could do was cry... 

Missing Phil
hurts
It can still be 
an anguish of 
soul
Longing
for what was
Being able to 
talk, 
receive his wisdom 
and advice 
on decisions
that need to be made
My life
forever
altered 
by his passing
but not just in hard ways
...good ways too
Leaning harder on God
than I ever have in my 
life
I've not arrived 
by any means
Arriving won't
happen
until I'm home.
Home... 
no wonder I constantly have 
a sense
of 
longing 

The other day I read a verse that I've read many times, but when I read it in this particular version it stopped me in my tracks. 

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. Trust in the LORD forever, because in the LORD, the LORD himself is an everlasting rock!"

We live in a society that encourages us to strive for independence... to think for ourselves, to be our own person... so when we see what God says, about trusting Him and depending on Him, we can probably tend to think that's backwards... but in reality, isn't it the world that is backwards to what God says? For in Him is our true self found, and our joy made complete, peace granted - not just peace, but perfect peace, as our minds are dependent on HIM. Wow... Just stop and think about that word... dependent... it really does pack a punch doesn't it?